Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Movie Review: Beauty Shop

Name: Beauty Shop
Actors: Queen Latifah, Alicia Silverstone, Andie McDowell, Mena Suvari
Awards/Nominations: BET Comedy Award (Nominated), Black Movie Award (Nominated), Teen Choice Award (Nominated)
Plot: A wonderful comedy about a woman (Queen Latifah), who buys a barber shop in the Atlanta "ghetto" from a local hairdresser, after she is fired from a posh hair studio. Queen Latifah battles with the startup costs of a small business and the mistrust from patrons of the previous owner. After her one of her old clients (Mena Suvari) shows Queen Latifah's "secret" conditioner to the corporate heads of Covergirl in New York, the world is at her fingertips.


Review: I thought this movie was a very inspirational comedy for the person curious about small business. The black stereotypes in this film were oh so very on-point. Birdman plays the local thug, who rolls on 22's and calls all the women "shawdy," while a woman rolls her friend chicken cart into Latifah's hair studio selling to the patrons. Like most other Queen Latifah movies, she plays the large woman in charge influencing everyone and their mother. I watched this movie on BET which completed my cultural experience with commercial breaks featuring Wendy Williams, and Monique pushing their horrible talk shows. Overall this movie made my night, maybe even month. Oh and Alicia Silverstone plays a black woman.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Well You Need a Cell Phone, Right?

You want a new cell phone right? I mean the new technology of cell phones these days can almost compare to that of a computer. Cell phone manufacturers are incorporating wifi, higher megapixel cameras, and fast processors. This new technology can help you when you are away from computer to stay connected. Anyway here my top 5 favorite cell phones that are currently out, not including the iPhone.


Name: HTC Droid Eris
Provider: Verizon
Price: $99.99 New Customer/$99.99 Qualified Upgrade
Change to Plan: Requires $29.99 Smartphone plan feature
Features: This phone has the new Google Android software, an open source operating system with a non apple app store! The Eris has a 5 megapixel camera, that is nothing to write home about, but still allows the user to put filters on the photos for added effect. The browser has html capabilities and can support everything except flash. The phone can function in two ways, touch screen or by the track ball. The touch screen can operate the entire phone, including menu selections, and virtual keyboard. The trackball will only navigate through menu options and selecting things. Google maps, one thing that is amazing on this phone. The GPS locator can find you anywhere you have service, and direct you to your location. This phone can also sync to your google contacts, google calendar, and facebook. It extracts your contacts from both google and facebook into your address book. The android market place I mentioned earlier is the best feature about all of the droid phones. You can download apps that expand the functions of your phone for a small price or for free. The droid phones run applications in the background of the phone, and this can slow your phone down a lot if you don't close them. Advanced Task Killer is a free app on the android marketplace that allows you to close all open applications.

Name: Motorola Droid
Provider: Verizon
Price: $199.99 for new customer/$199.99 Qualified Upgrade
Change To Plan: Requires a $29.99 add on like the Eris
Features: This phone runs the Android 2.0 software and is the only android phone to have this software. The Droid has the highest processor speed of all the android phones also. The phone also features a slick slideout keyboard, for the user that doesn't like touch screens. However, if you want to use the touch keyboard, you can! 5mp camera, wifi, and muchhhhhhh more!!






Name: Palm Pixi
Provider: Sprint
Price: $99.99 for both new customer and qualified upgrade
Change To Plan: The sprint customer must be on the everything data plan, family or single line
Features: Palm has completely re worked their os. The new palm os features their "card" system for browsing. Whenever you open up an application on the phone it becomes a "card," where you can minimize it into the background or simply close it, by sliding your finger over it. The pixi is the second palm phone with this new os, and the first being the Palm Pre. The Pre's slider was very broken and they took back most of them as defects. The Pixi has wifi, touch screen, html browser, and a small app store.




Name: RIM Blackberry Curve 8520
Provider: AT&T or Verizon (Sprint soon)
Price: $49.99 for both new customer and qualified upgrade
Change to Plan: Requires a Smartphone addon for $29.99.
Features: This blackberry is very interesting. It came out about a month ago, and it's only 50 bucks! This new curve still has the old curve keyboard, so if you have the old curve you won't have to adjust to anything new. Research In Motion has pioneered the touch pad on their new blackberrys to replace the trackball. The touch pad works exactly like the touch pad on a laptop. The only drawback to this phone is it runs on the EDGE network on AT&T. Why RIM didn't make this phone 3G capable confuses me. If you can bare the slower internet on this phone, it's amazing for the price. Other features include html browser, wifi, and the Blackberry App World



Name: Samsung Moment
Provider: Sprint
Price: $99.99 for new customers and $179.99 for Qualified Upgrade
Change to Plan: The Sprint customer must also be on the everything data plan like the Palm Pixi
Features: This phone is probably my favorite. It features an OLED screen from samsung with the same HD technology Samsung uses in their light weight high quality televisions. Aside from the screen quality the phone has a slide out keyboard like the Motorola Droid. This phone also runs the Google android software (do you kinda see the trend here?). Like the blackberry this phone has the track pad for laptop-like navigation. Other features include wifi, 3G speeds, facebook and google sync.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

It's That Time of the Year Again


Christmas.

My childhood appreciation for this wonderful holiday has been jaded by working retail. I see first hand how much this holiday has been tainted by consumerism. People just looking for that good buy.

The Best Buy where I work, made a million dollars in one day. One million dollars.

Oregon is in the top 10 for unemployment rates at 11.3 percent, yet people apply for credit they can't pay back. I check peoples credit everyday when activating cell phones and deposits for a cell phone plan can get as high as 1,200 dollars. This means their credit score can be as low as 300. That is scary, I would probably kill myself if my credit was that low.

Best Buy doesn't let its employees request time off from November 20th to Jan 20th. I am flying home for Christmas on Christmas at 10am, and returning on December 26th at 10am. What the fuck.

It almost doesn't seem worth it to me. When I asked my boss for 5 days off during the week of Christmas he asked me, "What do you think the busiest day of the year is?" I said, "Black Friday." Then he asked me, "What do you think the second busiest day of the year is?" I said, "Christmas Eve." He asked, "What do you think the third busiest day of the year is?" I replied, "Day after Christmas." Boss says, "So then no, you can't."

What a dick! He couldn't be sympathetic to the fact I haven't seen my parents during the holidays for 2 years? He had to ask me a series of sarcastic questions. I'm fucking pissed.

Anyway I'm done ranting. I've kept it inside for awhile. This time of year just always puts me in a bad mood. Thanks for listening.

-Rahb

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Breasts

I like you,
The only thing is you vary too much
Everything can be so great when you're amazing
But really
Why are you so sought after
It's skin and fat
But, I like that

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Steven Seagal is Actually a Cop

Imagine getting pulled over by Seagal... apparently he's had a "secret career" as a police officer in a small town in Louisiana for the last 20 years. Soooo when he made a lot of those sick movies he was actually taking a break from his secret job in Real Law Enforcement.

The mind boggles.

http://blog.nola.com/davewalker/2008/11/steven_seagals_secret_life_as.html

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Windowkicker

This is what happened when Kinzer tried to kick my window

Saturday, November 14, 2009

A True Story

With an awesome animated video...


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

Again

After that night whenever David and I crossed paths it was never the same. He treated me like another one of his one-night-stand loves. We made love I cannot deny that. The way he penetrated my ass was no pretense for one of those things we call a “booty call.” I started to stalk him. Anytime he was on E news with another woman I hated that bitch, I knew he was gay and so did he. “Stop trying to hide it,” I yelled at myself, punching my pillow once again, pretending it was Jennifer Anniston. If he wanted me he would call me.

After a few months he did just that. My asshole got wet when I saw his name on my phone. “Hey what are you doing he asked.” I wanted to get mad but how could I. All I imagined was his big dick in my virgin ass. “Why the fuck haven’t you called,” I asked with sarcasm. “I’ve been busy on broadway, filming Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes.”

We decided to meet up at a small café` during the day. I got real drunk that afternoon, fantasizing about what he would do to me, not knowing what would come of it.

He bought me a small coffee with some whipped cream. He wanted me to put it on my lips and call him daddy. I agreed. That must be what he wanted, a father figure slurping up what was left of his “childhood.”

Once again I found myself in his loft, ass in the air, begging for dick. He wanted to put whipped cream on my asshole and fuck it off of me, I agreed. His dick went in and out of my ass taking that sweet sugary paste farther and farther away from my fuck hole. He wanted me to taste the sweat and whipped cream, but I told him I couldn’t. Oh that made him mad, Jesus. He slammed my face into the ground to make me bloody, then mixed it with the whipped cream, and told me it was the “candy cane.” Fuck was my dick hard.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I Saw David Again...

I was at a fundraiser for seals that had been massacred by Russian fishing boats when our eyes locked. We exchanged glances for a few minutes flirty at that. I knew he remembered me. How could he forget his giant cock in my virgin ass.

He approached me with the slyness of a fox, saying his hello's to people who greeted him when he passed, all while returning his glance to me. He glared at me with those eyes that made me strive for his cock once in my ass again.

"How have you been?" He inquisitively flirted.

I pretended to sip my wine, but shyly looked up from my glass and said, "Oh you know, I've been auditioning for a few plays here and there, but mostly hosting at Venus Blue."

I had been working as a host at a new "gay hot spot" in the east village while auditioning for various plays that my agent had given me.

"Oh, well if you ever need someone to put a good word for you, let me know," he replied.

"Oh David, don't be so fake with me, ask me if I want to fuck already," I said bluntly.

His jaw dropped and he blushed. He beckoned and I followed. We entered a cab, and proceeded into the wet New York night. He tried to make small talk with me in the cab, but I didn't let him have it.

When we got to the apartment, he opened a very nice bottle of red wine, after he blew the dust off it. At least he cared, I thought. We had a few glasses and oh boy was I ready. We proceeded to that familiar bed shaded by see-through fabric. He undressed me and started to play with my asshole.

"May I shave you?" he asked

I was puzzled. Was I hairy?

"Am I too hairy for you?" I asked

"No, I just like shaving other people," he said.

He lathered my ass with lotion and gracefully shaved my ass with the most tender stroke. After he finished we went into the shower so I could clean off. He was so hard and so was I. We fucked for what seemed like hours, like I remembered. He finished me off on the bed and made me swallow his dick until I choked with a mouth full of cum.




Yea I just did that

-RAHB

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Semi-Sober Life

Not really. I'm drinking again. I have wine some beer etc. It's one of those things that just goes by the by, but no one really notices. I drink, but it's manageable. We say to specific people, you are definitely an alcoholic, but we don't give them credit. Do you drink regularly? Do you drink to cope with pain and suffering? It's a thing that suggests pain and suffering, but in manageable quantities we suggest manageability. I fear only death, that which promotes the possibility of no more breathing. When it happens anxious feelings overcome the possibility of feeling normal and that's normal. Se io andare in bici, io battara' da un macchina. That's that. Should I wear a helmet? Precautions that a person would take.

Will I ever be okay? That is the utmost question. Semi-Weekend update from R-O-B. I got offered a full time position at Best Buy, and with my current schedule I could possibly do it. 32 plus hours of work with benefits sounds absolutely amazing to me. I get the paid vacation I've always wanted. With leverage I negotiated the possibility of a "Sales Leader" promotion. Look at me, the man with all that was once known as Ricky, selling cell phones with power. Yikes. Anyway, I'm becoming the college fellow with a plan for life, Woah Woah.
-Rahb

Sunday, September 13, 2009

PharmaSUITicals

Since I recently got cable, I have been noticing the large number of pharmaceutical drug ads. They depict these people with common problems, like depression and insomnia, and have this simple solution for them, in the form of a pill. At the end of the commercial, side effects are given in a clear manner. The side effects are usually horrible, like heart attack, stroke, and other life threatening problems. Now I know some side effects can be predetermined by a doctor, and the pill can actually be very effective when prescribed right, but my problem with pharmaceutical companies is their priority of business over ethics.

Drugs go through tons of testing to be passed by the FDA. They are tested in groups of animals, single patients, small groups of people, and then they are given final analysis before put into production. It's the fact that unethical lobbying and other questionable actions that go on during this process. Big business has too much power in legislation and it gets by too easily. When it starts to deal with people's safety is when I get angry.

I recently watched a documentary called The Union: The Business Behind Getting High. The documentary deals with the business behind marijuana. It gives an overview of all the current legislation in Canada for Medical Marijuana, and the legislation in the US for Medical Marijuana as well. There is a culture part of the documentary that provides a nice background for the two sides of this war between supporters of legalization of marijuana, and those who are opposed. I became extremely frustrated when they pretty much factually proved that the sole reason why marijuana is not legal or regulated is the fact that pharmaceutical companies do not want to lose money.

This left me scratching my head. You mean to say that drugs like oxycontin, vicodin, and anxiety medications that I have seen friends ruin their lives with are legal? What gives you the right to blatantly insult Americans by saying marijuana is illegal because it's a gateway drug, or it's health risks. There are studies that show marijuana has no health risks besides the effects of smoke inhalation (not cigarette smoke inhalation). To top it off hundreds diseases can be aided by use of marijuana. In the documentary, they showed a man with Muscular Dystrophy, and he could barely talk or pick up things from all of his shaking. A person helped him smoke a bowl of weed and the change was amazing. He could speak clear, and he wasn't shaking as much.

I just can't get over the fact that there are so many substances in our world that have a much more severe effect on people's health that marijuana and it is still illegal. The worst, however is that powerful white men in suits are doing as much harm to people as the drug dealers on the streets.


IMDB link to The Union: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1039647/

-RAHB

Monday, August 31, 2009

A Less Than Perfect Shopping Experience

SPRINGFIELD, OR -- Local shoppers at Gateway Mall encountered a disturbance Friday morning. Robert Belmont set up shop in the parking lot of the mall selling used electronics that ranged from flat screen TV's to blenders. However, all of Belmont's employee's helped customers in the nude. Belmont's criminal past includes many incidents involving public indecency, so the Springfield Police patrolled the area heavily.

"I'm not doing anything wrong," Belmont said, "In Oregon public nudity is not a criminal offense."

Later on in the evening Belmont slipped up. The parking lot bargain sale included an open bar, and customers started to participate in the nudity with Belmont and his employees. Around 5 p.m. Belmont was found naked and erect spray painting a large sign that read "FREE ORGY," close to the entrance of the mall's parking lot.

Authorities returned to the mall and tried to break up the massive gang bang, but were overpowered by the growing mob of participants. Two officers fell in the line of duty when Belmont, mid thrust, hurled a flaming Plasma TV at a police vehicle, causing the car to explode.

Officer Melissa Torres, and officer Frank Compton, both suffered 3rd degree burns. They were rushed to Lane County Hospital, but were pronounced dead hours later.

Belmont faces a life sentence, and the court date is set for the 6th of September.

"I'm going to miss my Amtrak Train back to the Bay Area damn," commented Belmont, "I had a roomette and all."

Robert Belmont

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Local San Francisco Guy Arrives

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- On July 30th Manface arrived. On July 31st at 3:47am Lil' Big broke his ankle during a dog pile organized by Attorney General Lucas Wilson.

During further investigation into the matter it was discovered that Dr. Brian Jacobson, of Eugene, OR, was the last one on the pyramid causing the final blow that snapped Big's fibula.

"Dude I swear to god someone is going to break a bone tonight," Big said to Manface when the two met up at Bryan Lock's manor. "I just know it."

Dr. Jacobson pictured here moments before he landed on the dog pile.

Big was driven to the hospital two and a half hours after Grant Martin diagnosed his injuries.

"It wasn't that we were neglecting to take care of him," Manface said. "It's just that Lucas turned on Point Break and we all got sidetracked."

At 11am on July 31st Big was released from the hospital on crutches. Dr. Jacobson escorted him back to the Wilson's home and they made a recovery together.

"The doctors say I need surgery but insurance will not cover the costs and It'll be about 27 weeks before I can walk again," Big said. "The operation is said to be about $2.5 million, something to do with a Dr. Storey and his excessive retainer."

Grant Martin pictured here with Attorney General Lucas Wilson on their way to the gym.

With 12 albums in the pipeline this is not the most ideal time for Big to be out. He is confident though that William Smartt, of Smartt Investments, will be able to raise enough capital for his surgery.

"If not I can always hit up Jack Herr," Big said. "I owe him about $34,000 for all those times we went to Sweden House, but he's such a push over, you know?"

President Belmont was unavailable to comment, due to the recent purchase of an Xbox 360.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Zip Zero...Stingy With Dinero

Let's go
Hov!
Uh huh, Hov'
You, are, not, ready
Hov', unstoppable, Dynasty, young Hova

I'm a hustler baby [I'm a hustler]
I just want you to know [Wanna let you know]
It aint where I been [It aint where I been]
But where I'm bout to go [Top of the world!]
Now I just wanna love you [just wanna love you]
But be who I am [you know you love me]
And with all this cash [mo' money, mo' problems]
You'll forget your man
Now give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
C'mon, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff


*When the Remi's in the system
Aint no tellin will I fuck 'em will I diss 'em
That's what they be yellin
I'm a pimp by blood, not relation
Y'all be chasin, I replace them*
Huh, drunk of Crist', mommy on E
Can't keep her little model hands off me
Both in the club, high, singing off key
*And I wish I never met her at all...*
It gets better, ordered another round
It's, about, to go, down
Got six model chicks, six bottles of Crist'
Four Belvederes, got weed everywhere
What do you say, me, you and your Clovey glasses
Go somewhere private where we can discuss fashion
Like, Prada blouse, Gucci bra
Filth marked jeans, take that off

Give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
C'mon, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
I said give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
Motha, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff


Yeah, save the narrative you savin it for marriage
Let's keep it real ma you savin it for cabbage
You wanna see how far I'ma go
How, much I'ma spend but you already know
Zip, zero, stingy with dinero
Might buy you Crist', but that about it
Might light your wrist, but that about it
Fuck it, I might wife you and buy you nice whips
Ma, but you really gotta ride nice dick
Know how to work your hips and your head's priceless
Profess you love the Hov', and I'll never let you down
Get you bling like the Neptune sound
Okay, hot Hov', too hot to hold
Ladies love me long time like 2Pac sold
Only way to roll, Jigga and two ladies
I'm too cold, Motorola, two way page me, c'mon

Give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
C'mon, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
I said give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
Mama, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
I'm a hustler baby [uh, Hov']
I just want you to know [Hov']
It aint where I been
But where I'm bout to go [Hov', Hov']
Now I just wanna love you [young Hova]
But be who I am [know you love me]
And with all this cash [mo' money, mo' problems]
You'll forget your man


Yeah, yeah, yeah
Same song, I'm back, been around the world
Ro-mancing girls that dance with girls
From, Club Cheetah, to Club Amnesia
The Peanuts in L.A., bubblin and dubblins
Can't deny me, why would you want to
You need me, why don't you try me
Baby you want to, believe me, Hov'!

Give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
C'mon, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
I said give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
Mama, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff

You gotta...
Give it to me
Uh, uh huh

Monday, June 29, 2009

Welcome To Berkeley Community College


It is with great pleasure that we announce The Philistine's own Trevor Todd Storey as the next candidate for the Smartt Investment Little Urban Achiever Scholarship.

Storey, a former MD, has been living in the Berkeley area for the past eight months. His medical license was revoked in a freak situation where Storey attempted to perform his debut stand up comedy routine during brain surgery.

When Dr. Brian Jacobson was made aware of the situation the matter was kicked up to the medical board of Alta Bates Medical Center, where Storey worked.

"We lost that guy that Doc Storey was fuckin around with, but that's not the reason [Storey] was booted," Dr. Jacobson said. "Everyone was so appalled by his comedy routine that nobody on the board felt comfortable keeping him around."

When asked to comment President Belmont refused, but his staff issued this statement on Monday:

"We are happy that Trevor has taken an interest in softball. The president has not yet declared his opinion on the comedy bit but we will expect to hear back from him when he returns from his bike ride next month."

Storey will be featured in this month's issue of the NAACP magazine, as the first white person to receive the aforementioned scholarship.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Doctors Find Cure for Scrotum Sweat

A group of scientists led by Dr. Brian Jacobson, have just finished a proposal to the FDA for an anti-scrotum sweat medicine that comes in pill form, called Testicaid.

Scrotum sweat is a disease common in males of ages 16 on. If the male doesn't shower for a few days or has been exerting themselves, the scrotum can cause a putrid smell. This has been a problem for females who perform fellatio for their significant others on a regular basis.

"This deficiency among men was actually not hard to remove," Dr. Jacobson said, "We simply target the sweat glands in the scrotum with an acid that comes in pill form."

Venture capitalist William Smartt also participated in the research and proposal. Smartt has his Ph.D. in Micro phosphorus Genetics from College of Marin. Smartt's contribution to the research was strictly finding the side effects.

"The patients have a 6 week to 3 year treatment time, and the process is actually very painful," Smartt said, "The testicles are very likely to explode, and also are certain to cause an unbearable burning feeling."

Along with testicle explosion and third degree burns of the genitalia the other side effects of Testicaid, are a severe drop in hormone levels, loss of hair, the left foot can develop two feet of its own, eye shrinkage, ear infections, loss of appetite, vomiting, blood may seep through pores, rapid heart growth to abnormal size, rapid shrinkage of heart to an abnormal size, memory loss, can lead to Parkinson's disease, depression, may increase odor of testicle sweat, HIV, homosexuality in heterosexuals, heterosexuality in homosexuals, elephantiasis, brain damage, loss of affection for children, anger, hallucinations, drowsiness, and menopause.

"The drug is not very safe, and should not be ingested by any form of organism or microorganism," Smartt said.

Testicaid will be reviewed by the FDA in August.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Best Buy Employee Returns After Stint in Jail

SPRINGFIELD, OREGON-- Robert Belmont was jailed last February after stealing numerous cell phones and womens virginities from Springfield's Best Buy. Belmont has been rehired as of this coming Saturday.

Belmont was charged with rape, public nudity, armed robbery, and disturbing the peace, but only two charges were stuck to Belmont's sentence. The three women Belmont allegedly "raped" testified in Belmont's defense saying it was the best sex they'd ever had. The judge was puzzled since they all were virgins.

Amy Whittaker, 20, was one of the women Belmont assaulted. Whittaker said, "He was gentle, he held my hand, that is all I wanted for my first time."

Belmont was charged with a year sentence for public nudity and armed robbery. He was released this past Thursday with a job waiting for him at the Springfield Best Buy.

Charles Barkley, General Manager of Best Buy #666, was impressed with the increase in business since Belmont's heist.

"More and more young virgins have been asking for Robert, so we cut him a deal. He took the newly created position 'Customer Experience Manager,'" Barkley said.

Belmont will be returning to his position this Saturday at 10 a.m., until closing at 9 p.m. and signing autographs at the front door.


-RAHBB

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Bike Ride

As I stared at the sluggishness of the blog, and tried to conquer my recent writers block I thought I'd share some of my plans for the week...

For a few months now I've been planning to ride my bike to Corvallis, Oregon. The ride is about 41.2 miles, and I am planning on doing it this Thursday. Here is the route I will be taking.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Vetrenarian Office Vandalized


EUGENE, OR -- Wags and Purrs Clinic was vandalized this weekend by local protesters. The 0utside walls were painted with images depicting aborted baby dogs. The images were painted with human blood and everybody loved it. That's not all, the clinic was coated with cream cheese and put in between two bagels. One vet was trapped inside, and he had to eat his was out of the bagel sandwich.

Neighboring houses of the clinic were mortified and some ate the bagel to drown their sorrows away. Your mom is the lord of the rings.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Local Eugene Inmate Violently Brutalized

MADRAS, OR -- Pete, a local Eugene felon and overall good guy, has recently been checked into the intensive care unit at Deer Ridge Correctional.

Pete sustained several injuries during an altercation with her cellmate, Matisse Frazier. Prison staff discovered the two women moments after the conflict had ended.

Pete had been badly beaten due to an argument involving who got to sleep on the single cot that is currently available in their cell.

Prison guards explained that the cot situation at Deer Ridge is a mounting problem, overcrowding has forced certain prisoners to sleep on the ground of their cells.

"I don't give a fuck, you fucking bitch ass motherfuckers, you can all suck my dick, fucking bullshit" Frazier said. "I'm not sleeping on the ground, no way, fuck ass."

Pete could not comment because of severe damage to her jawbone. She was able to scribble this on a pad: "I didn't even give a fuck about the sleeping situation, Matisse took my shiv, I was trying to kill that bitch."

Dr. Storey did correctly diagnose at least one injury that Pete sustained as a bruise:

Friday, May 29, 2009

You can't disconnect unless you...

nevermind.
Get me.

Good Morning

I am so tired. I need my red bull and my cigarette. This whole term I've had class at 9 am everyday. I wake up at 7:45, take a shower, ride my bike to 711, buy a red bull (and some cigarettes if I don't have any), and sit outside the building and smoke a cigarette. So all in all i just need a cig and some energy drink.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A funny article I found in the eugene daily Emerald

Infamous Sex Offender Caught in Dollar Store
by Robert Belmont

EUGENE, OR -- This weekend Eugene police arrested Ricky Belmont, the infamous sex offender whose catch phrase involved women touching their pussy with their hands.

Police were informed when Eugene resident, Marsha Bobbett heard a man screaming "TOUCH YOUR PUSSY WITH YOUR HANDS," at three in the morning on a Sunday a few months back.

The perpetrator, Belmont, was caught three days later in a dollar store harassing a young lady named Barbara Stessen. Belmont was naked in the kitchen utensil isle trying to masturbate with barbecue tongs. He approached Stessen with the tongs yelling, "NOW YOU TOUCH YOUR PUSSY WITH YOUR HANDS."

Eugene police linked the cases together and charged Belmont with two counts of disturbing the peace, one count of public nudity, and two counts of sexual assault. The second count of sexual assault was given when Belmont tried to use his penis in the credit card machine.

The police are holding Belmont with a 150,000 dollar bail until he faces trial sometime next month. Eugene city police commissioner Dale Heartly commented, "We do not know if Belmont's actions were due to insanity or some substance abuse, but he is doing fine in prison except for his constant masturbation."

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Apple Releases iPhone App for the iPhone 3G


MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - Apple announced its latest addition to the App Store on Tuesday, the iPhone App. The iPhone App lets you make phone calls, send text messages, and store phone numbers. The application is said to be a revolutionary for iPhone users.

"The iPhone has been suffocated by endless amounts of useless applications such as a bird identifier," Steve Jobs commented. "iPhone users have become more and more lame."

The iPhone app uses alphabetical order to organize your contacts, 0-9 numeric keypad for dialing, and text messaging without predictive text.

The application is $39.99 at the app store, and all proceeds go to patients that suffer from iPhone withdrawals.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Why Intel (really) Rulez

Europe Fines Intel $1.45 Billion in Antitrust Case

BRUSSELS — The European Commission fined Intel a record 1.06 billion euros Wednesday for abusing its dominance in the computer chip market, the strongest sign yet that regulators worldwide are serious about opening the technology sector to competition.

The European Union's competition commissioner, Neelie Kroes, said the penalty against Intel, the equivalent of $1.45 billion, was justified because the company had skewed competition and denied consumers a choice for chips.

Sorry Trevor, it has nothing to do with their "clever" marketing. Read the rest here.

Why Rob should start drinking again

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Shooting People in Alleys

I shot a man in an alley once. He screamed, "Hey man there is someone walking here." Luckily it wasn't a real gun, just a BB gun. I walked back inside and sat in my lawn chair that was sitting in the living room. I thought, "This doesn't make sense, why is there a lawn chair in my living room, there's no lawn inside."

I began to pace. Enough had happened already today, people calling me in different languages, shooting people in alleys, lawn chairs not on lawns. I needed some rest.

After I napped for a few hours, I felt new and improved. The nap had also given me the urge to go for a drive. I got into my car, which made thousands of beeping noises as I turned it on. "Man I should really get my car fixed," I thought to myself. I pulled out of my car port and turned on to the street. As I drove I thought of what I should name a dog if I were to get one. Maybe Otis? Otis was my godfather's black poodle's name. Not one of those prissy little poodles that you want to murder, but a large one that was very strong. I came to the conclusion I wasn't fit to care for a dog and I let my mind wander as I kept driving.

I arrived at the 7-11 down the street from my house, inching forward to perfect my parking job. I was all backwards as I tried to turn off my car. I opened the door, and tried to exit, forgetting to put my car in park. This caused the car to inch ahead with its own inertia. I slammed the break down and correctly put the car in park and turned the engine off.

I spent more than my usual amount of time deciding what I wanted in 7-11, probably because I was still half thinking what I would name a dog if I owned one. I finalized my decision on some M&Ms and approached the counter.

The man working at the counter asked me how my day was going, and I was tempted to tell him about the lawn chair in my living room, but I wanted to seem sane enough to be purchasing cigarettes and M&Ms. "Kamel K Reds," I said. Obviously everyone calls those cigarettes something different. I mean first of all they are made by Camel but spelled with a K. Second they are always behind a plastic flap door so the cashier usually doesn't know where they are. Third they always mistake them for Marlboro Reds, so you have to correct someone who has been degraded enough to the job of a 7-11 cashier to make their day that much shittier.

I left 7-11 and felt like a new man. Restarting an afternoon with M&Ms and cigarettes, lunch of champions.

Making my way back to my house I started to think about every time I said the word "Fuck." Maybe I swore too much. Do people think I swear a lot?" Fuckity Fuck Fuck.

Tits. I usually think about tits a dozen times a day. It might just be a quick flash in front of my eyes that catches me off guard, nothing dangerous or anything, I can still drive while thinking about tits. Other times I picture tits in funny places, like tits underwater, tits driving tractors, tits crocheting, or flying helicopters.

I let my thoughts drift to my obligations. Man that stresses me out. Why can't a guy just think about tits in peace. Someone called me, it was Liz. My student ID and a old lozenge rapper was stuck to my phone as I answered it. Ok, I have to go pick her up now.

-Rahb

Saturday, May 9, 2009

MF Doom - Born Like This

Born Like this is MF Doom's newest album released in March of this year. Born like this was a title chosen based on the poem by Charles Bukowski called Dinosauria, We. Doom uses a sample of Bukowski reciting this poem in the 10th track on the album titled Cellz. This new release from Doom is very similar to his old albums, where he uses samples from the Fantastic Four's enemy Dr. Doom. Some highlight tracks I enjoyed were: Ballskin, Cellz, Rap Ambush, and Lightworks. My favorite track off the album, however, is That's That, it shows a somber side of Doom which I had never heardbefore.






Tracklist:

01. Supervillain Intro
02. Gazillion Ear
03. Ballskin
04. Yessir [ft. Raekwon]
05. Absolutely
06. Rap Ambush
07. Lightworks
08. Batty-Boys
09. Angelz [ft. Tony Starks]
09. Cellz
10. Still Dope [ft. Empress Sharhh]
11. Microwave Mayo
12. More Rhymin' [ft. Kurious]
13. That's That
14. Suppervillainz
15. Bump's Message
16. Thank Ya

Link to Charles Bukowski's poem : http://rasml.org/dinosauria-we/

-RAHB

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Study Abroad Student Contemplates Culture-Shock of Returning to the United States

ANGERS, FRANCE -- A local study-abroad student attending the Université Catholique de l'Ouest has been caught contemplating the implications of his return to the United States as the end of his travels nears. Nicholas Hinman, notorious for such films as Placid Lake 2 and the straight-to-DVD Batman in Robin, has been walking around aimlessly in circles muttering sweet-nothings to himself.

With the help of various witnesses (who wished to remain anonymous) and McDonald's surveillance tapes, The Philistine has compiled an accurate list of Mr. Hinman's dazed questions.

"Why doesn't every man over 30 have a mustache?"
"Why does everyone drive Urban-Assault Vehicles (UAVs)?"
"Where is baguette?"
"Why aren't all of the guys over 18 sporting 7th-grade haircuts and wearing a lot of Diesel?"
"Where is cheeses?"
"Why are the girls ugly?"
"Why aren't all the girls fucking crazy?"
"Why does everyone understand what I'm saying?"
"What is 'good' music?"
"Where'd all the dog shit go?"
"Why do hella people don't know I left?"

As his stint in France comes to a close, we anticipate Mr. Hinman either becoming somewhat more sane or deteriorating further to the point of schizophrenia, torn between whether he should be wearing stripes and eating cheese or drinking Hennessey and blowing lines.

- Nicolas Cage contributed to this article

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Philistine Welcomes Dr. Jacobson

A new contributor has been hired to start the "News in Medicine and Broadway Theater" section at the Philistine, Brian Jacobson, P.H.D. Dr. Jacobson has spent the last several months in Argentina studying the effects of theater music in malnourished babies. His findings indicate that the increase of what he calls "pizazz" in the theater music decreases the babies desire to eat.




Dr. Jacobson's findings earned him the honorable, Nobel Prize of Medicine. The Philistine got a chance to sit down and have a few words with Dr. Jacobson over a nice game of mini-golf.

"Did winning the Nobel Prize throw you off your medicine game?"

"No I thought it put me more on it, you know, it's all about playing as a team, and I think we showed that tonight, and we will continue to do so throughout the playoffs."

"Ok... Is there any further effort to cure this main cause of malnutrition in babies?"

"I mean they played good defense, and we struggled in the first quarter, but as soon as we found our rhythm we dominated, and I think we showed that tonight."

Dr. Jacobson is currently writing a piece for the Philistine, exploring the effects of Thizz on Senators as we speak.

By Robert Belmont


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Man Orders "Freedom" Fries in France

by Robert Belmont

ANGERS, FRANCE - Saturday at around 12 p.m. Nicholas Hinman, a 20 year old exchange student from the University of Oregon, ordered what he called "Freedom" fries with his hamburger at a small cafe.

Hinman's order didn't mix well with the French waiter, Jacque Cousteau. Cousteau proceeded to yell at Hinman in French, in words he did not understand.

Bystanders said Hinman pulled a French flag out of his "man-purse," ejaculated on it and rubbed it in the waiters face screaming, "HOLD THE MAYONAISE I HAVE MY OWN." Hinman then proceeded to take off all his clothes, wrap himself in an American flag and run throughout the streets of Angers singing the US national anthem.

The French police are determining whether Hinman's behavior was an act of protest, terrorism, or pleasure. A reward of 10 euros has been put up by the French police for information regarding the whereabouts of Hinman.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Local Berkeley Guy Diagnosed With Lymphoma

BERKELEY, CA -- Local multitask tycoon and toy store employee Dr. Trevor Storey was diagnosed with lymphoma by a colleague at the toy store this afternoon.

The cancer, which is deadly, affects the immune system. Most patients enter chemo immediately if they prefer survival over eminent death.

Dr. Storey told a panel of UC Berkeley medical students on Monday morning that he is opting out of the chemo for the time being.

"I just want to keep my options open," Dr. Storey said. "They really lock you in with that whole process."

Dr. Storey has spent the last eight hours at his computer juggling 38 different tasks. These include fantasy baseball, online poker, world of warcraft, watching SNL on hulu, smoking marijuana, eatind dinner, brushing his teeth, scrabble via facebook with six different people, two different telephone conversations, homework, 19 instant messenger conversations and listening to his iPod amongst other things.

Judging by Dr. Storey's current situation, and ultimately dillemma, The Philistine has placed a wager that he will be dead in 12 days.

Monday, April 13, 2009

5 Movie Plot Summaries in 5 Sentences

1. Caddyshack - Caddies play golf against rich snobs in a golf tournament, and bill murray is in it.

2. Fight Club - Schizophrenic makes himself believe that he is hanging around with Brad Pitt, and proceeds to try and blow up all the credit card buildings with bombs made of human fat.

3. WALL-E - Small, lovable trash compactor robot left on earth to clean up the mess humans made, he falls in love with a robot sent by refugee humans in space to find life on earth.

4. Terminator 2 - Robot sent back in time by the humans battles a more developed robot sent back in time by the machines to save the leader of the human army as a child.

5. No Country for Old Men - a man stumbles across a drug deal gone bad and finds $2 million dollars in cash, but is chased by a scary Spanish man with a cow skull puncturer.


-Rahb


1. American History X - Edward Norton hangs out with friends at the jail and then comes back, is a changed man.

2. Jungle 2 Jungle - Tim Allen goes to the woods and brings his son back to New York.

3. Midnight Run - Robert DeNiro and Charles Grodin go for a bike ride.

4. Munich - Eric Bana tries out for the olympics, this is a period piece.

5. State and Main - "Well that happened."

- Monty

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Loss of Identity with Sobriety

As some of you know I am choosing to become sober of alcohol and other substances. This mainly is because of my abuse of them. I am 21 days sober, and it has been very strange to me. I used the word strange, because I don't know what 21 year old's do for fun without alcohol. What I saw as fun was going out and getting drunk with friends towards the end of the week. Now don't get me wrong I loved doing this, and I had some very good times with the bottle, but it was taking my life and putting it in a blender.

What I am feeling now after 21 days without a drink is my loss of social identity. What do I do without drinking? The first weekend back from spring break starts tonight, and the only thing I can think of that doesn't involve drinking is watching a movie. This might be a normal thing for someone who doesn't go out on weekends, but it's the only thing I have resorted to not just at nights, but all day. Being sober has made me realize I have no life, and it's scary. Drinking halted many of my hobbies that I had as a teenager. My hobbies now include drinking from 1pm til 5 am.

I feel healthy which is the most important thing, and all of you guys have been very supportive which makes it a whole lot easier. Having to deal with the constant pressure of people trying to get me to drink, or thinking my sobriety is a joke would have made this a whole lot harder. Thank you.

/press release

-Rahb formerly known as Ricky

Monday, March 30, 2009

South Bay Assistant Begins Gurping At Work, Loses Sense of Self/Reality

Redwood City - Over the past few weeks Navigenics Manager Denise Thomas has noticed a considerable decrease in her assistant's reliability and productivity.

Thomas first saw her son and current assistant, Monty Thomas, show symptoms of losing it when Spring began to roll around.

"Monty never ate on the way to work before, but now he usually has some sort of green milkshake right around the time we pass through the tollbooth," Denise stated. "Then as we are just pulling into the building, he starts to complain about his stomach aching. Then he just stares at his computer screen blankly till lunch, with the occasional 'woah' and 'trippy'."

Navigenics allowed The Philistine to check Mr. Thomas's time log to see how much time he said he was working and how long he took for breaks. During the months of January and February, he was clocking out an average of 45 minutes for lunch. In March alone, that average increased by over 120 minutes.

When asked about his long absences for 'almuerzo' as Monty's beaner co-workers call it, a confused look was followed by a depressing response.

"Well, eh, Mr. Thomas usually drives us to lunch in his nice big car, but lately he doesn't even want to go out to eat during his break. He just wanders out into the forest and shows up hours later," said janitor Rosa Martinez. "I've now been packing my lunch from mi casa, but even I get sick of bean burritos and churizzo."

It is uncertain as to how many mushrooms Mr. Thomas is injesting during his work day, but it has definitely taken a toll on his performance and his state of mind. The Philistine was able to get a brief comment from the once great Navigenics employee.

"Dude, I'm tripping balls right now," exclaimed Monty. "I think your pencil is melting into your notepad. Want to use my pen?"

Scientists and doctors are still both perplexed as to whether this trend of behavior will continue or if it is just seasonal.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dude I Totally Know That Guy

Things I Love About Marin County

1. I love Mount Tam



2. I love sol food



3. I love the weather



4. I love the homies



5. I love how close one of the greatest cities in the world is to it (San Francisco).



6. I love the cars



6. I love the coast



7. I love La Ginestra




8. I love Corte Madera



9. I love Marin Brew Co.




10. I love it.


- RAHB