The Philistine Welcomes Dr. Jacobson

A new contributor has been hired to start the "News in Medicine and Broadway Theater" section at the Philistine, Brian Jacobson, P.H.D. Dr. Jacobson has spent the last several months in Argentina studying the effects of theater music in malnourished babies. His findings indicate that the increase of what he calls "pizazz" in the theater music decreases the babies desire to eat.




Dr. Jacobson's findings earned him the honorable, Nobel Prize of Medicine. The Philistine got a chance to sit down and have a few words with Dr. Jacobson over a nice game of mini-golf.

"Did winning the Nobel Prize throw you off your medicine game?"

"No I thought it put me more on it, you know, it's all about playing as a team, and I think we showed that tonight, and we will continue to do so throughout the playoffs."

"Ok... Is there any further effort to cure this main cause of malnutrition in babies?"

"I mean they played good defense, and we struggled in the first quarter, but as soon as we found our rhythm we dominated, and I think we showed that tonight."

Dr. Jacobson is currently writing a piece for the Philistine, exploring the effects of Thizz on Senators as we speak.

By Robert Belmont

Man Orders "Freedom" Fries in France

by Robert Belmont

ANGERS, FRANCE - Saturday at around 12 p.m. Nicholas Hinman, a 20 year old exchange student from the University of Oregon, ordered what he called "Freedom" fries with his hamburger at a small cafe.

Hinman's order didn't mix well with the French waiter, Jacque Cousteau. Cousteau proceeded to yell at Hinman in French, in words he did not understand.

Bystanders said Hinman pulled a French flag out of his "man-purse," ejaculated on it and rubbed it in the waiters face screaming, "HOLD THE MAYONAISE I HAVE MY OWN." Hinman then proceeded to take off all his clothes, wrap himself in an American flag and run throughout the streets of Angers singing the US national anthem.

The French police are determining whether Hinman's behavior was an act of protest, terrorism, or pleasure. A reward of 10 euros has been put up by the French police for information regarding the whereabouts of Hinman.

American Richard Producer's Association

American Rob Producers Association

-RAHB

Local Berkeley Guy Diagnosed With Lymphoma

BERKELEY, CA -- Local multitask tycoon and toy store employee Dr. Trevor Storey was diagnosed with lymphoma by a colleague at the toy store this afternoon.

The cancer, which is deadly, affects the immune system. Most patients enter chemo immediately if they prefer survival over eminent death.

Dr. Storey told a panel of UC Berkeley medical students on Monday morning that he is opting out of the chemo for the time being.

"I just want to keep my options open," Dr. Storey said. "They really lock you in with that whole process."

Dr. Storey has spent the last eight hours at his computer juggling 38 different tasks. These include fantasy baseball, online poker, world of warcraft, watching SNL on hulu, smoking marijuana, eatind dinner, brushing his teeth, scrabble via facebook with six different people, two different telephone conversations, homework, 19 instant messenger conversations and listening to his iPod amongst other things.

Judging by Dr. Storey's current situation, and ultimately dillemma, The Philistine has placed a wager that he will be dead in 12 days.

5 Movie Plot Summaries in 5 Sentences

1. Caddyshack - Caddies play golf against rich snobs in a golf tournament, and bill murray is in it.

2. Fight Club - Schizophrenic makes himself believe that he is hanging around with Brad Pitt, and proceeds to try and blow up all the credit card buildings with bombs made of human fat.

3. WALL-E - Small, lovable trash compactor robot left on earth to clean up the mess humans made, he falls in love with a robot sent by refugee humans in space to find life on earth.

4. Terminator 2 - Robot sent back in time by the humans battles a more developed robot sent back in time by the machines to save the leader of the human army as a child.

5. No Country for Old Men - a man stumbles across a drug deal gone bad and finds $2 million dollars in cash, but is chased by a scary Spanish man with a cow skull puncturer.


-Rahb


1. American History X - Edward Norton hangs out with friends at the jail and then comes back, is a changed man.

2. Jungle 2 Jungle - Tim Allen goes to the woods and brings his son back to New York.

3. Midnight Run - Robert DeNiro and Charles Grodin go for a bike ride.

4. Munich - Eric Bana tries out for the olympics, this is a period piece.

5. State and Main - "Well that happened."

- Monty

Really, it doesn't bother me

Say it like it is.


Get me

The Loss of Identity with Sobriety

As some of you know I am choosing to become sober of alcohol and other substances. This mainly is because of my abuse of them. I am 21 days sober, and it has been very strange to me. I used the word strange, because I don't know what 21 year old's do for fun without alcohol. What I saw as fun was going out and getting drunk with friends towards the end of the week. Now don't get me wrong I loved doing this, and I had some very good times with the bottle, but it was taking my life and putting it in a blender.

What I am feeling now after 21 days without a drink is my loss of social identity. What do I do without drinking? The first weekend back from spring break starts tonight, and the only thing I can think of that doesn't involve drinking is watching a movie. This might be a normal thing for someone who doesn't go out on weekends, but it's the only thing I have resorted to not just at nights, but all day. Being sober has made me realize I have no life, and it's scary. Drinking halted many of my hobbies that I had as a teenager. My hobbies now include drinking from 1pm til 5 am.

I feel healthy which is the most important thing, and all of you guys have been very supportive which makes it a whole lot easier. Having to deal with the constant pressure of people trying to get me to drink, or thinking my sobriety is a joke would have made this a whole lot harder. Thank you.

/press release

-Rahb formerly known as Ricky