Study Abroad Student Contemplates Culture-Shock of Returning to the United States

ANGERS, FRANCE -- A local study-abroad student attending the Université Catholique de l'Ouest has been caught contemplating the implications of his return to the United States as the end of his travels nears. Nicholas Hinman, notorious for such films as Placid Lake 2 and the straight-to-DVD Batman in Robin, has been walking around aimlessly in circles muttering sweet-nothings to himself.

With the help of various witnesses (who wished to remain anonymous) and McDonald's surveillance tapes, The Philistine has compiled an accurate list of Mr. Hinman's dazed questions.

"Why doesn't every man over 30 have a mustache?"
"Why does everyone drive Urban-Assault Vehicles (UAVs)?"
"Where is baguette?"
"Why aren't all of the guys over 18 sporting 7th-grade haircuts and wearing a lot of Diesel?"
"Where is cheeses?"
"Why are the girls ugly?"
"Why aren't all the girls fucking crazy?"
"Why does everyone understand what I'm saying?"
"What is 'good' music?"
"Where'd all the dog shit go?"
"Why do hella people don't know I left?"

As his stint in France comes to a close, we anticipate Mr. Hinman either becoming somewhat more sane or deteriorating further to the point of schizophrenia, torn between whether he should be wearing stripes and eating cheese or drinking Hennessey and blowing lines.

- Nicolas Cage contributed to this article