Local Berkeley Guy Turns 21 Leaving No One Surprised

BERKELEY, CA -- Residents of Berkeley and friends of Trevor Todd Storey were not surprised that on February 26th, 2009 Storey turned 21.

"It happened on the same date that his birthday went down on last year." Said Chris Cohan who was there for the unimpressive conclusion to Storey's 21st year.

Storey, a laid back guy, decided to wait until the afternoon of the 26th to purchase alcohol. After not being carded by the Seven Eleven clerk, Storey felt useless.

"It was bonkers." Storey said.

The apartment where Storey resides was littered with gifts that would at first appear to be for a seven year old.

Upon further investigation Storey determined that they were in fact meant for him. Baffled, he decided to go to bed.

The Philistine would like to officially announce that Storey's birthday ended last night at 11:59 p.m. and that he did not hire any outside help for sex at any point after that time.

Cloning Neanderthals

In my biology class yesterday we had a guest speaker, who was pretty much uninformative besides a question he brought up, "Should we clone a Neanderthal?" He showed us an article that had to do with a study where scientists have determined we have enough technology to clone a Neanderthal. This includes the recent completion of the human genome, stem cell research that President Obama has pushed for, and the breakthrough with Dolly the sheep.

The guest speaker asked the class whether or not we should go through with this, and I was really unimpressed with the answers most students responded with. One girl said that we shouldn't clone a Neanderthal because he would be overwhelmed with society and technology, etc. I almost screamed at her, "THIS IS NOT ENCINO MAN MORON". Cloning doesn't pop out a fully grown human like in the movie Multiplicity you idiot. This was funny to me because we spent two or three lectures studying how twins, and or clones are genetically the same, but societal influences can change their political views, their accent, their interests, etc. Another girl said it would be a complete waste of money, because previous human cloning has proven to be a money sink. Tax dollars to chase the dream of cloning a human might not seem right to most tax payers. Many failed experiments have failed after the 4 cell and 6 cell stages of the cloning process.

Now, I don't have to refute the first girl's opinion, because she, well, is basically just a retard. The second girls opinion was true in some cases, but most cloning experiments are privately funded by advocates in the science world. If Mr. Moneybank wants to contribute one billion dollars of his own money to cloning, I say go right ahead. The advances in therapeutic cloning of human body parts could cure heart disease, certain forms of cancer, be used to replace limbs of amputees, and so much more.

Cloning a Neanderthal could tell us so much about who we are today, and who we will be in the future. Neanderthals had larger brain capacities than humans today, but we have no idea why. Having a live Neanderthal to perform cat scans on would open up so many doors in the field of science. Neanderthals also had different voice boxes, raising one in a human family would finally solve the question of Nature vs. Nurture. Answering if being raised around modern language could conquer a less developed part of the body, supporting Darwin's theory. Also we could see how the current human race will do in the future. If this Neanderthal clone dies from his organs not able to adapt to our current climate, we will need to really concentrate on saving our planet from Global Warming.

-RAHB

/serious post

Pop Culture References

Multiplicity - Michael Keaton stars in a Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Comedy where he never has enough time for the things he wants to do is offered the opportunity to have himself cloned.

Encino Man: When they find a frozen caveman (Brendan Fraser) in their backyard, two high school outcasts thaw him out and introduce him to modern day life while he in turn, gets them to actually enjoy life

10 things about France

Je deteste:

1. No real Mexican food



2. All stores are closed on Sunday



3. These assholes, coupled with shitty club music



4. Their stereotypes of Americans, which includes but is not limited our undying love of ketchup.



5. When you try and speak French and they respond in English to be superior, but their English is worse than your French.



J'aime:

1. Baguettes, especially with jambon et fromage



2. Everybody smokes



3. Nutella



4. DELERIUM TREMENS



5. Cafès



And titties

-Nicholas

Monday the 23rd

I'm eating a Chocolate Almond Fudge Clif Bar and a box of saltines and I don't know where this is going. Obama says the economy is screwed until 2013 so that means we have to re-elect the motha until he gets gets it right. I don't think we should occupy Afghanistan I think all of them should come over and kick it with us in good ol' America. That way we can actually observe each other's cultures to smooth out any childish misconceptions we may have; after the turmoil we can all live peacefully in North American and then use Afghanistan to test our nuclear weapons. But this thinking is far too radical for our time. My economic relief would be Zapp & Roger, riding my bicycle on rainy days, and the Bible. What's in your stimulus plan?

This is Sean Tai, asian reporter, signing out.

Employee Steals More than Just a Few Cell Phones

by Robert Belmont

SPRINGFIELD, OR - A Best Buy employee, Robert Charles Belmont, was arrested early Sunday morning for allegedly stealing four iPhones, eight Blackberry Storms, and four women's virginities.

Belmont was said to have entered the store naked with an erection and a Jansport duffelbag screaming "Activate this bitch!" He proceeded to chop open the cabinets with an axe where the cell phones were stored, and emptied them into his duffel bag.

The virginities were stolen in the geek squad area, where Belmont took four female customers behind willingly and had sex with them. The four women who had their virginities stolen enjoyed the experience and will call Belmont when he gets out of jail.

General Manager Charles Barkley said, "Belmont was always a good employee, this rampage through the store was very out of the blue."

Best Buy Inc. is pressing charges of public nudity, theft, destruction of property, and disturbing the peace. Belmont is being held at Guantamo Bay until his trial that is said to be near the end of March.

An open e-mail from Billy Smartt Fwd: Today! African American Leadership Symposium

Below is an e-mail forwarded to me by Billy Smartt.

The subject as you can see is about African American leadership or some garbage.

The ridiculous thing about this shit, is how blatantly racist it is. Like imagine if that e-mail's subject was "Today! White American Leadership Symposium"

I saw a sign that advertised the "Black Student Union" at COM, and I immediately thought "is it cool if I just throw up a sign that says 'White Student Union'?"

I mean what the fuck.

I think I might do it.

The e-mail:
Thought you might be interested...

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: "USFconnect Message" <pleasedonotreply@usfca.edu>
Date: February 18, 2009 11:51:39 AM PST
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: Today! African American Leadership Symposium

Today is the second day of the Magis Leadership Symposium: African American Perspectives. Please join University Life and Athletics for this vibrant discussion about leadership.

During Black History Month and Homecoming Week, this symposium uniquely combines education, leadership and athletics from an African American perspective. This event brings together members of the Bay area black community, USF African American alumni, and current students, faculty and staff to discuss pathways to education and tools for academic success.

- Monty

Unjustified Interactions With People I Do Not Know

I was at work the other day and I was about 60 feet away from this guy who was looking at me. I gave him the "Can I help you?" look. You know that one where you raise your eyebrows and slightly tilt your head up like you've been interested by something. Anyway, I was way too far away from him to have done said look, and it became weird. As I got closer I noticed he was completely bald, fake tanned, and he looked like he was melting. The ironic thing was, he was only like 5 or 6 years older than me. Back to the interaction, I had to hold the "Can I help you?" look for about 10 seconds, which if you've ever worked retail you'd know it's waaaay too long.

I finally made it up to him and asked if he needed any help. He looked very puzzled, and replied, "Oh, no, you just looked really familiar." I was caught so off guard, and I had no idea what to do. The woman he was with felt the awkwardness too, she looked as if someone had exploded in front of her.

Anyway I was sick of looking at me "twirling my shirt around my head like a hellacopta," so I thought I'd share.

-ROB

The Many Steps of Life (A Photographic Journey)

As a young boy, I was full of excitement. The hot bodies of my close friends had me giddy with excitement for weeks in advance. I remember an August when my friend Dwight was having his body rubbed in hot oil at a playground in Santa Cruz. The playground was an abandoned prison with points to stop and hold each other's hand. After the playground excursion we stayed at his beach house and watched movies like "The Notebook" and "Love Actually". We were spoiled. His Santa Cruz house had a whale watching 3rd floor with a telescope in the shape of a penis. I have never been as excited since then.



As a young adult, I went to Europe for a month, backpacking through foreign countries with no expectations. I wouldn't say I had excitement, I would say I had hesitation. I slept with a lama the night before I left for this life changing trip, and had an infection by the time we arrived in France. I did some self operation and cured it, only later to twist my wrist in Barcelona, Spain while fisting a dog.


The day I arrived at college we bought three thirty packs of budweiser, and a bottle of K-Y jelly for me. The police showed up at the party we were at and gave minor in posesstions to everyone with a beer in their hand. I casually jerked my dick outside of the party on a couch and the police didn't ask me any questions.

The Many Steps of Life (A Male Perspective)

As a young boy, I was full of excitement. Birthday's of my close friends had me giddy with excitement for weeks in advance. I remember an August when my friend Dwight was having his birthday at a paintball arena in Santa Cruz. The paintball arena was an abandoned prison with points to capture flags and hold hostages. After the paintball excursion we stayed at his beach house and watched movies like "Shaft" and "U-571". We were spoiled. His Santa Cruz house had a whale watching 3rd floor with a telescope. I have never been as excited since then.

As a young adult, I went to Europe for a month, backpacking through foreign countries with no expectations. I wouldn't say I had excitement, I would say I had hesitation. I walked through fire, barefoot, the night before I left for this life changing trip, and had an infection by the time we arrived in France. I did some self operation and cured it, only later to twist my ankle in Barcelona, Spain on a tailslide revert.

The day I arrived at college we bought three thirty packs of budweiser, and a pack of Marlboro lights for me. The police showed up at the party we were at and gave minor in posesstions to everyone with a beer in their hand. I casually smoked my pack outside of the party on a couch and the police didn't ask me any questions.

TO BE CONTINUED

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Copyright R-O-B Enterprises 2009

It has been quite a while but...

It's time...

Here she is.

Local American Student Caught Masturbating Twice

ANGERS (REUTERS) - A local study abroad student attending CIDEF was caught masturbating by his host family twice in the same afternoon. Reports indicate that the student was masturbating to gorilla fornication when the father of his host family stumbled drunkenly into his room.

"Je m'appelle Philo", exclaimed Philo Lucas, the father. Apparently the student was standing up in the middle of the room making animal noises and listening to Gym Class Heroes. When he noticed the entry of the father, he began to masturbate more quickly in what sources say was an attempt to finish himself before the father could make it across the room.

After the student ran away from Mr. Lucas, he continued masturbating in the hallway where he was arguably caught again.

The student, who denied an interview, is on time-out.

Is Anybody Listening?

I stand by the microphone
listening to it like a phone
my shit is like an R2D2 drone;

Your space is too laced
with hydrogen OH MY GOD a nucleotide based
Fuck your face
I want to discredit you
and fill it with mace

I'm so out of tune
I should be like a hippy on shrooms
but when the flowers bloom
you could get it and not leave so soon

I must be on that Ricky shit
but im rhyming like a protruded clit
when it comes to the basics I remember how to spit
But leave the moaning to the girlys don't forget

Reverting back to the old times
Never meant so much as a corona and lime
I spend the hot days of summer
lounging on a unsolved crime

Im gonna end this matter
because I'm so not polite to serve it on a platter
You're oh so not ready to get up and gather
so please don't leave and let your brain splatter

Rowley the Fourth decides he wants to be First, legally changes name.

TIBURON, CA -- Local junior college success and entrepreneur Rowley Montague Thomas IV has always felt like hes been looked down upon for being the IV in a long family history. He's fed up with being the fourth and has taken action. "Monty" as he is referred to by his peers doesn't want to just move up to the medal stand, he wants to shoot for gold.

As of 12:00 am PST on February 6, "Rowley Montague Thomas IV" will be know as "Rock and Roll Rowley I".

"I just wanted for my children and my children's children and my children's children's children to remember me as one above the rest. You feel me?" stated Rowley I as he was jogging down Blackies Pasture.

An avid runner and swimmer, Rock and Roll Rowley I once competed for the Strawberry Seals when he was eight years old.

"I would say my best stroke was freestyle but I never placed in the top three to receive a ribbon, so how could any stroke be my best? If only I wasn't the IV at that time I might have gotten that gold ribbon and pizza party."

Although the people around him have had a hard time adjusting to the new Rowley, Rock and Roll Rowley I has reported feeling better than ever and says he can now die happily knowing the future generations will be proud of him for years to come. Rumors have been spread that a biography is in the works but nothing has been officially announced.

Trevor Storey loses interest in his job, decides not to post about it

BERKELEY, CA -- A local toy store employee found himself startled today by a realization that he no longer has any interest in working.

"I just couldn't take it." Trevor Todd Storey confirmed after spending three straight hours on the toilet this morning, attempting to make a bowel movement.

After a brief altercation with a co-worker, Storey offered his apology. The other employee opened fire on Storey hitting him in the neck, arm and leg.

The employee has vacated the city and is suspected to be on his way to another toy store in Sausalito to apply for a job.

Local merchants on the block were unperturbed by the gunshots.

"We don't give a fuck." Charlie Wong, a local baron and liquor store owner, said.

Storey declined that he had been constipated this morning. He is currently in critical condition in the bathroom.

You Are Not What I Thought You Were

There are too many like you

You’re not original

Your cunt feels the same

Why do I stick around

I get phone calls from others, and hang up;

It could be more exciting – but my cock doesn’t know better.

Just because your red hair tangles in curls, you shouldn’t feel better

Airfare covered, the other women come to me and they fuck

Younger than you,

Bigger tits than you,

They know how to make me come.

My four or five thrust almost treat them well

If I’m drunk I probably won’t come.

Who is this Obama guy?

Okay so he’s black. I get that. He may have gotten a job working with the Government in Washington.

But who the fuck does he think he is?

He’s trying to close up Guantanamo. Which is just a prison that spawned a great movie.

And now that he’s on the scene I have no idea where George Bush went.

That dude had a funny ass show on C-SPAN2.

I’m not sure what the deal is.

- Rob & Monty

Album Review

After reading Pitchfork's review of the new Animal Collective album Merriweather Post Pavilion, I decided to write my own review of the album without actually listening to it. To preface the review, I just want to note that the perpetual efficacy of Animal Collective's turbulent impressionistic stigma incites more hedonistic incredulity than


WOW GG HAX FRANCE!!!!

Steel Reserve

This is an ode to the most potent of malt beers. I drink you and you get me drunk! I forget about your counterpart and drink you at 3am. I know it's sad but you get me whenever I feel like I need you. Your potency gets me every time.

What I Did on Superbowl Sunday

As the plane spiraled down to the water, all I could feel was the cold metal of the handcuffs on my wrists, and all I could hear was the foreign toungue of my captives. I knew I was going insane when the plane felt like it was going in a reverse spiral. I heard a yelling; I abruptly turned my head around and saw an insurgent pressing a cold steel gun against his throat. He pulled the trigger and sagged in his seat. Blood was everywhere. I expected more gunfire to go off, it was all in their minds. I couldn't do anything, handcuffed, helpless, and lost.

The plane hit the water surprisingly soft, we capsized and I blacked out. I was awoken in a room with what seemed to be two American's. I had been in captivity so long I probably didn't look American. My first words of English, in two years, came out, "I'm American."

One of the agents, who seemed very angry yelled, "Who the fuck are you then?"

I tried my best to explain that I was an American secret service agent who had been compromised in Lebanon, and shipped to a terrorist torture compound. When I had cleared my thoughts, I told them the details; who I was, my boss, my mission, etc. They pulled my file, and told me I was pronounced dead a year and a half ago. God Bless America.

-Rob

Things that can make me hard (gay edition)

1. Chapstick


2. Brie cheese


3. Sesame water crackers


4. The gym


5. Mango salsa


6. Small dogs


7. Eau de toilette


8. Manicures


9. Fiji water


10. GAY PORN