Duran was spotted by a correspondent for The Philistine on Market street this morning standing outside the car he uses to drive for Lyft (a ride sharing company that attracts people with no other options), threatening to show people his asshole if they did not pay him a fee that ranged between $4 and $100,000. Duran quickly amassed an unprecedented sum of money, according to local panhandlers and gypsies.
"I was just trying to catch the 38 when this deranged man started screaming at me as he unbuckled his pants," Robert Belmont, the alcoholic former President of the United States, said as he finished up a phone conversation with his drug dealer. "So I paid him what he asked because I'm in a rush and have to meet someone."
Duran has had a slew of different odd jobs, including one where he apparently excelled at placing 'over the phone food orders.' "Yeah I called Mitchell one night asking if he could get a pizza delivered to my aparment," The music mogul Chris Cohan told a reporter for The Philistine during the Olympics last year. "My pizza never arrived, but I still have faith in Mitchell as a man who is very comfortable in large groups. So I'm inviting him to a party in the spring."
As The Philistine went to press Duran was unavailable for comment. We are reviewing his resumé and will have a full report in next month's issue.
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