Thomas in Talks to Train with Thomas

Rock and Roll Rowley (left) and Mackenzie Thomas (right)

TIBURON, CA – In a move that has caused sports fans all across the bay area to question their hearing, Rock and Roll Rowley I has entered the running to train alongside famed Tiburon Peninsula Little League all-star Mackenzie Thomas.

After throwing out his arm during practice for the semi-finals, Rowley unequivocally called it quits.

"I was finished," Rowley said during an e-mail interview with local cretin Trevor Todd Storey. "I just couldn't throw another baseball."

The move came at a critical time for the team. Things had been looking bleak towards the end of the summer season as fellow player Kyle Sirell missed practice in order to finish his diorama.

Thomas is expected to deliver his landmark decision on Friday evening to a crowd of more than 15,000 at Blackie's pasture during the annual "Let's Dig Up Blackie's Carcass" festival.

A less surprising bit of news was the no-show of President Robert Belmont at the game on September 12. A spokesman for the Belmont administration declined to comment on the absence.

President Belmont's truancy is notable due to his recent negotiations with Attorney General (and team captain) Lucas Wilson in regards to the acquisition of MVP Matthew Yarborough.

"It came to our attention during a practice that Matt might be worth some money," Wilson said during an early morning conversation outside Noah's Bagels in Greenbrae. "But hey, the team is not gonna fall apart over this. We're gonna be #1."

That, sadly, may not be true. It is rumored that the Belmont administration has offered Yarborough a three month $38 million contract to play on the executive team. 

This would, ultimately, render Rowley's training with Thomas superfluous.

5 Movies in 5 Sentences

Avatar: Crippled guy plays out all his blue man group fantasies in the rain forest.

Terminator Salvation: John Conner tries REALLLY hard to get his dad laid.

Inglorious Basterds: Brad Pitt tries to speak Italian, and Eli Roth plays baseball with Germans.

Wall-E: Robot foreplay.

Up: Fat kid annoys an old man.

Shake Weight

Rob Returns (With CD's)

SPRINGFIELD, OREGON – Local Best Buy employee Ricky Belmaunt was arrested this evening for armed robbery and public nudity.

With the release of his new album Have You Gone To Bed Yet? Belmaunt taped copies of the CD to cover his naked body. He went to his shift at the Springfield Best Buy and promoted his album by having customers take the CD's off him. About 3 hours into his shift Belmaunt was out of CD's.

Panicked, Belmaunt reached for a gun he had stashed in one of the washers in the appliance department, and proceeded to demand 200 blank CD's and a computer to burn more copies. Police subdued Belmaunt, about 125 CD's into his burning rampage. He is currently in Sprinfield Prison. Since Belmaunt has 44 previous offenses in Oregon, he will be forced to move back to California within two weeks.

But seriously I'm coming back to Marin on the 1st of September for about a week and I look forward to seeing all the homies. I also do actually have CD's of my new album, so if any of you want one just let me know (I'll have clothes on).

-R4hb

Keyboard Cat

Another Cat Classic

Have You Gone To Bed Yet?

The summer album from R-O-B has finally been released. As promised it dropped this morning on 7/11 (free slurpy day at 7-11). The album features R-O-B, El Pescador, and B-Juice. Enjoy.

Track List:

1. Ricky Died

2. Fatal Disease

3. Naked Next to You (R-O-B, B-Juice, El Pescador)

4. Bezzy Glow (Mychal, bjuice, R-O-B)

5. Endo Snacks (Produced By Chris Cohan)

6. Everything We Do

7. Hell Talk

8. In Tents (freestyle)

9. Movie Music

10. Pussy Mansion

Streaming Link (if you stream click the song link not the play button, it will start in the middle)

Download Link

Doctor Finds Pattern in Late-Forming Adult Disfiguration

KENTFIELD, CALIFORNIA - In a press conference to the public, doctor Brian Jacobson gave a detailed description of his findings on a disease he has been researching for the last ten years. Dr. Jacobson calls the condition Vaginisus, a disease that forms vagina-like openings in adults around the ages of 20-25. According to Dr. Jacobson, the disease can be caused by exceeded exposure to marijuana.

Dr. Jacobson has studied many patients that have been diagnosed with Vaginisus, one named Rowley Montague Thomas. Thomas has been in the presence of a colleague Will Smartt for many years who is an avid marijuana user. Dr. Jacobson found that Thomas' contraction of the disease was due to second hand consumption of the drug. Dr. Jacobson found discoloration around and on the vaginal area, on Thomas' right cheek. "Thomas exhibited no pain with the vagina on his cheek, he actually reported signs of linkage with his own arousal," Dr. Jacobson said in his report, "any erection he had also made his face vagina wet." Dr. Jacobson has not found a cure yet for the disease, but is experimenting with skin transplants and oatmeal therapy. Dr. Jacobson, however, stopped oatmeal therapy due to reports of it being "just gross looking."

Vaginisus has raised many questions in the legalization of marijuana campaign, due to it being the first disease caused by the drug. Mark Faherty, spokesperson for the legalization of marijuana, when asked to comment said, "We are still trying to analyze the validity of Dr. Jacobson's findings, and are working close with him to go over his connections to marijuana and the disease."

Dr. Jacobson is famous for his earlier findings in the connection between Pizzazz and Babies, for which he won a Nobel Prize.


-RAHB

4th of July

Return of the Bohunk

Sometime in the early to mid part of February, just before the second half of that month, the former doctor Trevor Todd Storey, shit his pants.

He was walking down the stairs of his two-floor apartment complex when his 250 lb television set, which he had procured from a free auction at Smart(t) Investments™, fell on him.

The injuries he sustained were beyond the scope of his own medical expertise. Diagnosis was secured via telephone by a local veterinarian Mackenzie Thomas.

At the hospital Storey received multiple stitches including some that fastened his eyelids shut. Thomas, who was attempting to perform an autopsy due to the fact that he was under the impression that Storey was a deceased goat, explained that the stitches were merely a precaution.

“He was giving me the stink eye,” Thomas said in an interview outside the San Francisco Zoo. “I couldn’t work under those conditions.”

Despite his accident, Storey has re-invented himself in the last few months. After being sequestered in his two-bedroom Berkeley slum for approximately 456 days straight, he left the room.

By going outdoors, Storey landed a job at a hapless, nearly criminal, San Francisco website.

Storey’s rise to dereliction has been swift and licentious. In light of three long-winded sexual encounters with his homely manager, he was offered a promotion.

The conditions of the escalation in responsibility were that he would not be provided with increased financial incentives for at least 60 days. Those 60 days ended on Monday.

Over the course of a five hour meeting with the arbiters of finance at the company, a deal was made.

“I was given the option of a traditional raise or they said they would pay for my drinks at lunch for the duration of employment,” Storey said at a late night meeting with investors. “I took the sodas of course.”

As The Philistine missed its printing date, Storey was eating a turkey sandwich at The Toaster Oven. The Philistine staff walked by the restaurant gloating. Nonetheless, Storey continued to sip his free Mr. Pibb with delight.

Storey will be talking about his corporate ascension strategy at the Cow Palace this coming Saturday June 19th, from 5:30am-9pm, with special, but as of yet unconfirmed, guest Charlie Ansanelli.

fever

i made this last night - music and all ENJOY

Untitled from Carla Arriaza on Vimeo.

RICKY AND C-WORD UNITE

WATTUP

a track i made last night that rob will spit some raps for it

The Request

My Final D-Arts Project

I promise this is the last one, but this is the project I am most proud of. I took a Charles Bukowski Poem titled Dinosauria We, and made a video to go along with it. I used Adobe Premiere Pro CS4 for the editing. Enjoy.

Where's Rob?

Project 2

Here is my second project for my Digital Arts class, and a few from other students that I really liked. I apologize for the poor quality in my video, I bought a new HD camcorder and am still learning compression, etc. Enjoy.

I Don't Know Why I'm Posting This

Coffee and Cigarettes

Using the blog as an outlet for my supressed humor

Sadly I'm going to post the first fake post. It’s 3AM. I can't sleep. My girlfriend and I are having sex. I look forward to the future but I cannot begin to believe that I will not be sharing it with my stuffed animals. I know with time everything can heal but right now I don't want to, BRING ON THE PAIN!!! I feel helpless in the situation, i'm torn between my girlfriend and my stuffed friend. Maybe it is for the best, I will never know, but... "it is what it is" (???what a ridiculous statement). Coming to terms with my fluffy tendencies will be the hardest thing I've done in quite some time. Not having teddy bear is a big part of why I feel so empty right now, so my fine ass girlfriend is the first thing I have to work. If I can get through this stage of my life I think that I'm going to be able to say no to nearly ALL cute little fuzzy fake friends. Sappy as this all is, and as much as you guys are going to make cracks, I feel better putting my secret and seriously creepy obsession out there in the world. Unfortunately I had to follow the greatest post of all time, Rob's sweet short claymation. POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP ONNNN MYMMYYYYY FAAACCCEEEE... sound familiar? sorry Trevor, couldn't help it.

My Stop Motion Video

Paulie Plays Bert

Paulie for Denny's

...Then Gets Killed By Cappadonna

My Digital Arts Class

You know I've never properly learned how to use photoshop and I'm in this class Digital Arts 251 and the first two discussions have taught me awesome things. Here are a few photos that I shot and altered in the first class.

Read more »

Local Feud Gets Resolved

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- After a fight that broke out over who is better at file sharing, two guys kissed and made up.

The dispute started when local vegetable salesman, Sean Tai, ignited a cigarette while standing next to Philistine contributor, Rock & Roll Rowley I.

Rock & Roll Rowley I (right) moments before he and Sean Tai (left) brawled.

“I didn’t even hear him walk up at first,” Rowley said. “But by the time he started talking it was fuckin’ over.”

The two followed their initial encounter by exchanging empty gestures and casual conversation, until Tai brought up his long overdue need to move from Windows Vista to Windows XP.

“Monty had been saying for months how he would hook me up with some Lenovo recovery discs,” Tai said. “I was at my wit's end.”

The discussion deteriorated rapidly to a debate over who had the best ratios on numerous torrent sites, that the two fighters happened to belong to.

“They’re both faggots,” William Smartt of Smart(t) Investments® said.

It was unclear who threw the first punch, but when the smoke settled it was even less clear as to how the two had resolved their disputation.

Thank heavens it’s over though.