SPRINGFIELD, OR -- Local shoppers at Gateway Mall encountered a disturbance Friday morning. Robert Belmont set up shop in the parking lot of the mall selling used electronics that ranged from flat screen TV's to blenders. However, all of Belmont's employee's helped customers in the nude. Belmont's criminal past includes many incidents involving public indecency, so the Springfield Police patrolled the area heavily.
"I'm not doing anything wrong," Belmont said, "In Oregon public nudity is not a criminal offense."
Later on in the evening Belmont slipped up. The parking lot bargain sale included an open bar, and customers started to participate in the nudity with Belmont and his employees. Around 5 p.m. Belmont was found naked and erect spray painting a large sign that read "FREE ORGY," close to the entrance of the mall's parking lot.
Authorities returned to the mall and tried to break up the massive gang bang, but were overpowered by the growing mob of participants. Two officers fell in the line of duty when Belmont, mid thrust, hurled a flaming Plasma TV at a police vehicle, causing the car to explode.
Officer Melissa Torres, and officer Frank Compton, both suffered 3rd degree burns. They were rushed to Lane County Hospital, but were pronounced dead hours later.
Belmont faces a life sentence, and the court date is set for the 6th of September.
"I'm going to miss my Amtrak Train back to the Bay Area damn," commented Belmont, "I had a roomette and all."
Robert Belmont
Monday, August 31, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Local San Francisco Guy Arrives
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- On July 30th Manface arrived. On July 31st at 3:47am Lil' Big broke his ankle during a dog pile organized by Attorney General Lucas Wilson.
During further investigation into the matter it was discovered that Dr. Brian Jacobson, of Eugene, OR, was the last one on the pyramid causing the final blow that snapped Big's fibula.
"Dude I swear to god someone is going to break a bone tonight," Big said to Manface when the two met up at Bryan Lock's manor. "I just know it."
Big was driven to the hospital two and a half hours after Grant Martin diagnosed his injuries.
"It wasn't that we were neglecting to take care of him," Manface said. "It's just that Lucas turned on Point Break and we all got sidetracked."
At 11am on July 31st Big was released from the hospital on crutches. Dr. Jacobson escorted him back to the Wilson's home and they made a recovery together.
"The doctors say I need surgery but insurance will not cover the costs and It'll be about 27 weeks before I can walk again," Big said. "The operation is said to be about $2.5 million, something to do with a Dr. Storey and his excessive retainer."
With 12 albums in the pipeline this is not the most ideal time for Big to be out. He is confident though that William Smartt, of Smartt Investments, will be able to raise enough capital for his surgery.
"If not I can always hit up Jack Herr," Big said. "I owe him about $34,000 for all those times we went to Sweden House, but he's such a push over, you know?"
President Belmont was unavailable to comment, due to the recent purchase of an Xbox 360.
During further investigation into the matter it was discovered that Dr. Brian Jacobson, of Eugene, OR, was the last one on the pyramid causing the final blow that snapped Big's fibula.
"Dude I swear to god someone is going to break a bone tonight," Big said to Manface when the two met up at Bryan Lock's manor. "I just know it."
Dr. Jacobson pictured here moments before he landed on the dog pile.
Big was driven to the hospital two and a half hours after Grant Martin diagnosed his injuries.
"It wasn't that we were neglecting to take care of him," Manface said. "It's just that Lucas turned on Point Break and we all got sidetracked."
At 11am on July 31st Big was released from the hospital on crutches. Dr. Jacobson escorted him back to the Wilson's home and they made a recovery together.
"The doctors say I need surgery but insurance will not cover the costs and It'll be about 27 weeks before I can walk again," Big said. "The operation is said to be about $2.5 million, something to do with a Dr. Storey and his excessive retainer."
Grant Martin pictured here with Attorney General Lucas Wilson on their way to the gym.
With 12 albums in the pipeline this is not the most ideal time for Big to be out. He is confident though that William Smartt, of Smartt Investments, will be able to raise enough capital for his surgery.
"If not I can always hit up Jack Herr," Big said. "I owe him about $34,000 for all those times we went to Sweden House, but he's such a push over, you know?"
President Belmont was unavailable to comment, due to the recent purchase of an Xbox 360.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
