Monday, June 29, 2009

Welcome To Berkeley Community College


It is with great pleasure that we announce The Philistine's own Trevor Todd Storey as the next candidate for the Smartt Investment Little Urban Achiever Scholarship.

Storey, a former MD, has been living in the Berkeley area for the past eight months. His medical license was revoked in a freak situation where Storey attempted to perform his debut stand up comedy routine during brain surgery.

When Dr. Brian Jacobson was made aware of the situation the matter was kicked up to the medical board of Alta Bates Medical Center, where Storey worked.

"We lost that guy that Doc Storey was fuckin around with, but that's not the reason [Storey] was booted," Dr. Jacobson said. "Everyone was so appalled by his comedy routine that nobody on the board felt comfortable keeping him around."

When asked to comment President Belmont refused, but his staff issued this statement on Monday:

"We are happy that Trevor has taken an interest in softball. The president has not yet declared his opinion on the comedy bit but we will expect to hear back from him when he returns from his bike ride next month."

Storey will be featured in this month's issue of the NAACP magazine, as the first white person to receive the aforementioned scholarship.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Doctors Find Cure for Scrotum Sweat

A group of scientists led by Dr. Brian Jacobson, have just finished a proposal to the FDA for an anti-scrotum sweat medicine that comes in pill form, called Testicaid.

Scrotum sweat is a disease common in males of ages 16 on. If the male doesn't shower for a few days or has been exerting themselves, the scrotum can cause a putrid smell. This has been a problem for females who perform fellatio for their significant others on a regular basis.

"This deficiency among men was actually not hard to remove," Dr. Jacobson said, "We simply target the sweat glands in the scrotum with an acid that comes in pill form."

Venture capitalist William Smartt also participated in the research and proposal. Smartt has his Ph.D. in Micro phosphorus Genetics from College of Marin. Smartt's contribution to the research was strictly finding the side effects.

"The patients have a 6 week to 3 year treatment time, and the process is actually very painful," Smartt said, "The testicles are very likely to explode, and also are certain to cause an unbearable burning feeling."

Along with testicle explosion and third degree burns of the genitalia the other side effects of Testicaid, are a severe drop in hormone levels, loss of hair, the left foot can develop two feet of its own, eye shrinkage, ear infections, loss of appetite, vomiting, blood may seep through pores, rapid heart growth to abnormal size, rapid shrinkage of heart to an abnormal size, memory loss, can lead to Parkinson's disease, depression, may increase odor of testicle sweat, HIV, homosexuality in heterosexuals, heterosexuality in homosexuals, elephantiasis, brain damage, loss of affection for children, anger, hallucinations, drowsiness, and menopause.

"The drug is not very safe, and should not be ingested by any form of organism or microorganism," Smartt said.

Testicaid will be reviewed by the FDA in August.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Best Buy Employee Returns After Stint in Jail

SPRINGFIELD, OREGON-- Robert Belmont was jailed last February after stealing numerous cell phones and womens virginities from Springfield's Best Buy. Belmont has been rehired as of this coming Saturday.

Belmont was charged with rape, public nudity, armed robbery, and disturbing the peace, but only two charges were stuck to Belmont's sentence. The three women Belmont allegedly "raped" testified in Belmont's defense saying it was the best sex they'd ever had. The judge was puzzled since they all were virgins.

Amy Whittaker, 20, was one of the women Belmont assaulted. Whittaker said, "He was gentle, he held my hand, that is all I wanted for my first time."

Belmont was charged with a year sentence for public nudity and armed robbery. He was released this past Thursday with a job waiting for him at the Springfield Best Buy.

Charles Barkley, General Manager of Best Buy #666, was impressed with the increase in business since Belmont's heist.

"More and more young virgins have been asking for Robert, so we cut him a deal. He took the newly created position 'Customer Experience Manager,'" Barkley said.

Belmont will be returning to his position this Saturday at 10 a.m., until closing at 9 p.m. and signing autographs at the front door.


-RAHBB

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Bike Ride

As I stared at the sluggishness of the blog, and tried to conquer my recent writers block I thought I'd share some of my plans for the week...

For a few months now I've been planning to ride my bike to Corvallis, Oregon. The ride is about 41.2 miles, and I am planning on doing it this Thursday. Here is the route I will be taking.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Vetrenarian Office Vandalized


EUGENE, OR -- Wags and Purrs Clinic was vandalized this weekend by local protesters. The 0utside walls were painted with images depicting aborted baby dogs. The images were painted with human blood and everybody loved it. That's not all, the clinic was coated with cream cheese and put in between two bagels. One vet was trapped inside, and he had to eat his was out of the bagel sandwich.

Neighboring houses of the clinic were mortified and some ate the bagel to drown their sorrows away. Your mom is the lord of the rings.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Local Eugene Inmate Violently Brutalized

MADRAS, OR -- Pete, a local Eugene felon and overall good guy, has recently been checked into the intensive care unit at Deer Ridge Correctional.

Pete sustained several injuries during an altercation with her cellmate, Matisse Frazier. Prison staff discovered the two women moments after the conflict had ended.

Pete had been badly beaten due to an argument involving who got to sleep on the single cot that is currently available in their cell.

Prison guards explained that the cot situation at Deer Ridge is a mounting problem, overcrowding has forced certain prisoners to sleep on the ground of their cells.

"I don't give a fuck, you fucking bitch ass motherfuckers, you can all suck my dick, fucking bullshit" Frazier said. "I'm not sleeping on the ground, no way, fuck ass."

Pete could not comment because of severe damage to her jawbone. She was able to scribble this on a pad: "I didn't even give a fuck about the sleeping situation, Matisse took my shiv, I was trying to kill that bitch."

Dr. Storey did correctly diagnose at least one injury that Pete sustained as a bruise: