Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Local Man Hits Big Payday By Threatening Locals

SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Local man Mitchell Duran has become a millionaire, almost overnight, through a complex scheme of threats and shocking proposals.

Duran was spotted by a correspondent for The Philistine on Market street this morning standing outside the car he uses to drive for Lyft (a ride sharing company that attracts people with no other options), threatening to show people his asshole if they did not pay him a fee that ranged between $4 and $100,000. Duran quickly amassed an unprecedented sum of money, according to local panhandlers and gypsies.

"I was just trying to catch the 38 when this deranged man started screaming at me as he unbuckled his pants," Robert Belmont, the alcoholic former President of the United States, said as he finished up a phone conversation with his drug dealer. "So I paid him what he asked because I'm in a rush and have to meet someone."

Duran has had a slew of different odd jobs, including one where he apparently excelled at placing 'over the phone food orders.' "Yeah I called Mitchell one night asking if he could get a pizza delivered to my aparment," The music mogul Chris Cohan told a reporter for The Philistine during the Olympics last year. "My pizza never arrived, but I still have faith in Mitchell as a man who is very comfortable in large groups. So I'm inviting him to a party in the spring."

As The Philistine went to press Duran was unavailable for comment. We are reviewing his resumé and will have a full report in next month's issue.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Friday, July 4, 2014

Local All-Around 'Good Guy' Inspires Eugenics Revival

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Trevor Storey, formerly Dr. Storey, the all-around "good guy" best known for a recent series of San Francisco based post cards that include some of his most penetrating musings on life, has been pegged as the sole inspiration for President Robert Belmont's latest initiative to revive the long out of style eugenics movement.

"As I was reading some of the post cards in the Philistine recently I realized that Trevor is an all-around 'good guy'," President Belmont said during a State of the Union address. "But that won't stop me from breeding humans to make sure this never happens again."

The crux of the issue according to Carter "Barry Bonds" Grady, famed sports legend and still unconvinced friend of the questionably homosexual Sir Matthew Rutledge, is a "Lack of intelligence."

"Listen, I asked Trevor a few basic questions," Grady said to a group of 41,000 before he threw the opening day pitch for the Giants 2014 season. "1. Can you effectively learn to avoid errors? 2. Is Matt actually gay or is it only my dick that he likes to suck? Trevor mumbled something but I couldn't make it out over all the Cheetos and fruit snacks he had in his mouth."

According to subsequent reports following this conversation between Grady and Storey, Storey promptly fell asleep and shit his pants. He was unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Monday, May 5, 2014

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Former Heterosexual Finally Convinces Friends That He Likes Men

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a bold move last Wednesday strong man Matt Rutledge started blowing friend, and sports legend, Carter "Barry Bonds" Grady in an effort to further establish his sexuality amongst his peers.

"I love the feeling of hard wood on my ass!" Rutledge explained to guests at the BBQ
The party, at which Rutledge made the epic display, was hosted by former used car salesmen Derrick Schoening. Schoening, now SVP of, has been ignoring Rutledge's texts.

Sad, and alone, Rutledge finds himself in between a former lover and the new flame
Schoening is now in a committed relationship with a woman, but had been playing the field with the other team. Rutledge, ignorant of this, has been ceaselessly texting and calling Schoening to find out "what changed".

Rutledge basks in the afterglow of a "job well done"
"After I busted on Matt's face I was feeling pretty good," Grady said in an interview outside Panda Express on Tuesday afternoon. "But I'm still not convinced."

Update Monday April 22nd, 2013: Someone anonymously submitted an audio sex tape to The Philistine this afternoon of Rutledge attempting to have gay sex with an unidentified friend. See audio below.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Author and Local Man Trade Leisure for Women’s Clothing

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Campbell Belden, Ph.D. and Sean Tai, a local man, have recently cashed in their abundant spare time to pursue their dream of owning a women’s clothing boutique.

Belden, a Harvard graduate and the author of 2011’s best-selling “How Much Is Too Much?”, was on the mezzanine level of the Westin St. Francis in Union Square when he collapsed last winter.

“It was at the end of a 364 day bender,” Belden told representatives of The Philistine during a wind surfing championship in Pacifica. “When I left Las Vegas in 2012 I was ready for something less tame.”

After Belden was delivered to the hospital it was shown that he had been awake for 17 days straight.

Tai asking Belden "Does this one look good?" as they complete their weekly inventory
“The guy was just berating me all night after he regained consciousness,” Trevor Storey, a former medical doctor, said to a conference of optometrists in Boca Raton this month. “He had some good points, though. So I left his life support plugged in.”

Sean Tai, who returned from Japan sometime in the beginning of 2013, but who is decidedly a local man, was present the night that Belden almost lost his life.

“I don’t know what happened, I’m just glad Campbell woke up.” Tai wrote in an e-mail to Matt Rutledge, the fitness tycoon who has tirelessly attempted to convince everyone of his homosexuality. “I mean, I almost lost my ride to burning man.”

Already at the forefront of fashion Tai is a new voice for the modern woman
It was on the way to Black Rock Desert that the thought occurred to Belden and Tai that it was time to make a change. 24 hours later they were signing the lease on a small shop in the Cow Hollow neighborhood of San Francisco.

“It’s really just been a dream of ours from the beginning,” Belden said. “We know where we started and we know where we’re going.”