Sir Matthew Rutledge of Balboa Takes Over 24 Hour Fitness

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a freak incident, involving English parliament, Sir Matthew Rutledge of Balboa has acquired control of American fitness chain 24 Hour Fitness®.

Rutledge was recently knighted for his victory in the annual San Francisco Decathlon, which was made on the heels of an extraordinary 36 hour bender in Las Vegas (see article).

Rutledge moments before a $4,000 loss at Caesar's Palace

"When I got back from the U.K. I was just in a state of euphoria," the self professed number one "Corky Romano" fan told the associated press last Tuesday. "So I bought 24 Hour Fitness. I mean why the fuck not? I'm a knight now."

Rutledge's own fitness skills were put to the ultimate test earlier this month during freak incident where he almost drowned in a pond at Golden Gate Park.

"We were playing frisbee golf that day and I noticed that Matt had been missing for quite some time," local entrepreneur and certified optimist Rock and Roll Rowley said. "That's when I saw bubbles forming in a nearby pond."

Rock and Roll Rowley leaps towards the deadly pond where Rutledge almost lost his life

"Thank god Rock and Roll Rowley was there," family friend of the Rutledge's, and recent literary success, Campbell Belden said. "I thought Matt was a goner for sure."

New Book: How Much is Too Much? by Campbell Belden, Ph.D.

LAS VEGAS, NV – As I sit on the rotunda in the main hall of the Bellagio, Campbell Belden is ignoring me. 

He has just been handed a report from his assistant on the odds for todays horse races. Belden, who received his doctorate in the psychological, social and behavioral patterns of maine coons from Harvard at the tender age of 11, has been living in Las Vegas for the past 36 months. He calls this period a "journey through the depths of hell."

"It's the basis of my new book," he says as I check my watch. It is 6:36 a.m. and I have been awake since Tuesday. Belden brought me to a series of his favorite strip joints this morning, and when we emerged the sun had come up. We decided to do breakfast.

"I think that I'm going to put a stain in the universe," Belden said as he took the penultimate bite of his quadruple stack blueberry pancakes.

During a long winded afternoon of re-run episodes of "Forgive or Forget" back in 2008, Belden realized that heading to Vegas was the appropriate next step. He immediately phoned local cab driver, and part time stationary aficionado, Mitchell Duran. Duran was not pleased, to say the least.

Seven days after Belden and Duran departed on their trip, they arrived at The Palms. Belden who had minored in the history of pancakes was keen on speaking with the executive chef. When Duran's phone rang he was getting a call from suicidal auto mechanic Derrick Schoening.

"Fuck my life," Schoening said, and abruptly hung up.

Belden with his driver, Duran, moments before they left for Las Vegas

Duran, confused and alone, decided to book a room at the Hollywood House in Old Vegas. When Belden awoke the following morning, in his six-floor penthouse suite at The Palms, he had a telegram from the manager at the Hollywood House.

"Ur frndz ded." The note read, enthusiastically.

Realizing that he no longer had transportation, Belden frantically called everyone in his rolodex. Matthew Rutledge, personal trainer and self-professed "Corky Romano" fan, was also in Las Vegas. Although, he too had skipped town, so to speak, to check out early from the single life.

"My book is really about re-birth. I don't want anyone to know what actually happened. I just want you all to know that it did happen."

How Much is Too Much? is available from Philistine International® in hardcover for USD 499.99. Look for it on iPad, Kindle and Android.

R-O-B Is Back

Tiga Cheetah by rcbelmont

The Philistine Finds Audience in Anonymous Internet User

CO? – As The Philistine, again, missed its long over-due printing deadline, an anonymous internet user posted a comment.

It was determined, from a painstaking 27 month study of The Philistine's google analytics page, that the culprit is this man:

"After President Belmont phoned me I went over to the university and apprehended Mr. Grady," a Colorado state trooper said.

The man that our friends at the Colorado State Patrol picked up was identified as Carter Grady, identification was further clarified by The Philistine staff once the above image was received.

"The man is actually sports phenomenon Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady," Philistine staffer, and sports enthusiast, Trevor Storey said. "I mean I didn't even bat an eye when I saw that photo."

During the interrogation the following slides were presented to Grady in order to prove to him that he was in fact the aforementioned "Anonymous" internet user.

The first piece of evidence shows the traffic coming to The Philistine from the state of Colorado, which was all stemming from the city of Boulder, where Grady resides.

As Grady was presented the second image, he involuntarily yelled out the expression "BOOM!"

"We had to make sure it was him," Attorney General Lucas Wilson said, as he exited the interrogation room.

Grady was beaten with a 2lb bag of skittles until the bag burst and hysteria ensued.

"Why did you guys arrest me if I'm you're only fan?" Grady eventually asked, after things had calmed down.

The Philistine promptly released him.

Local Best Buy Manager Breeds Award Winning Persian Cats

EUGENE, OR - Local assailant and cell phone salesman turned manager, Robert Belmont, has dropped his cell phones and picked up kittens. Belmont bred four Persian Cats this last year and has achieved 4 Blue ribbons at the Eugene Cat Fancier's Tournament.

"I just like pussy," Belmont says, "there isn't any amount of words that sums up the pride one gets by breeding pussy and then winning an award for it."

One of Belmont's Cats, Hermoine, won best in class for Persian's, and won a best in show ribbon as well.

"Hermoine is a good pussy, she knows she is too you can tell by the way she walks," says Belmont.

Belmont is a rookie in the cat breeding world and is the youngest breeder to win a best in show and best in class ribbon for his cats.

Introducing the Eugene Skate Kr3w

The Interview

Predictably, Christmas time came to an odd close. The wrapping up of 2010 was phenomenally unemotional. Which is, partially, why The Philistine felt compelled to cover this extraordinary exchange between political scientist, and cigarette activist, Kyle Sirell and actual scientist Dr. Brian Jacobson.