You can't disconnect unless you...

nevermind.
Get me.

Good Morning

I am so tired. I need my red bull and my cigarette. This whole term I've had class at 9 am everyday. I wake up at 7:45, take a shower, ride my bike to 711, buy a red bull (and some cigarettes if I don't have any), and sit outside the building and smoke a cigarette. So all in all i just need a cig and some energy drink.

A funny article I found in the eugene daily Emerald

Infamous Sex Offender Caught in Dollar Store
by Robert Belmont

EUGENE, OR -- This weekend Eugene police arrested Ricky Belmont, the infamous sex offender whose catch phrase involved women touching their pussy with their hands.

Police were informed when Eugene resident, Marsha Bobbett heard a man screaming "TOUCH YOUR PUSSY WITH YOUR HANDS," at three in the morning on a Sunday a few months back.

The perpetrator, Belmont, was caught three days later in a dollar store harassing a young lady named Barbara Stessen. Belmont was naked in the kitchen utensil isle trying to masturbate with barbecue tongs. He approached Stessen with the tongs yelling, "NOW YOU TOUCH YOUR PUSSY WITH YOUR HANDS."

Eugene police linked the cases together and charged Belmont with two counts of disturbing the peace, one count of public nudity, and two counts of sexual assault. The second count of sexual assault was given when Belmont tried to use his penis in the credit card machine.

The police are holding Belmont with a 150,000 dollar bail until he faces trial sometime next month. Eugene city police commissioner Dale Heartly commented, "We do not know if Belmont's actions were due to insanity or some substance abuse, but he is doing fine in prison except for his constant masturbation."

Apple Releases iPhone App for the iPhone 3G

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - Apple announced its latest addition to the App Store on Tuesday, the iPhone App. The iPhone App lets you make phone calls, send text messages, and store phone numbers. The application is said to be a revolutionary for iPhone users.

"The iPhone has been suffocated by endless amounts of useless applications such as a bird identifier," Steve Jobs commented. "iPhone users have become more and more lame."

The iPhone app uses alphabetical order to organize your contacts, 0-9 numeric keypad for dialing, and text messaging without predictive text.

The application is $39.99 at the app store, and all proceeds go to patients that suffer from iPhone withdrawals.

Tighty Whities Have Never Been So Emasculating

Why Intel (really) Rulez

Europe Fines Intel $1.45 Billion in Antitrust Case

BRUSSELS — The European Commission fined Intel a record 1.06 billion euros Wednesday for abusing its dominance in the computer chip market, the strongest sign yet that regulators worldwide are serious about opening the technology sector to competition.

The European Union's competition commissioner, Neelie Kroes, said the penalty against Intel, the equivalent of $1.45 billion, was justified because the company had skewed competition and denied consumers a choice for chips.

Sorry Trevor, it has nothing to do with their "clever" marketing. Read the rest here.

Why Rob should start drinking again

Why Intel rulez.

Shooting People in Alleys

I shot a man in an alley once. He screamed, "Hey man there is someone walking here." Luckily it wasn't a real gun, just a BB gun. I walked back inside and sat in my lawn chair that was sitting in the living room. I thought, "This doesn't make sense, why is there a lawn chair in my living room, there's no lawn inside."

I began to pace. Enough had happened already today, people calling me in different languages, shooting people in alleys, lawn chairs not on lawns. I needed some rest.

After I napped for a few hours, I felt new and improved. The nap had also given me the urge to go for a drive. I got into my car, which made thousands of beeping noises as I turned it on. "Man I should really get my car fixed," I thought to myself. I pulled out of my car port and turned on to the street. As I drove I thought of what I should name a dog if I were to get one. Maybe Otis? Otis was my godfather's black poodle's name. Not one of those prissy little poodles that you want to murder, but a large one that was very strong. I came to the conclusion I wasn't fit to care for a dog and I let my mind wander as I kept driving.

I arrived at the 7-11 down the street from my house, inching forward to perfect my parking job. I was all backwards as I tried to turn off my car. I opened the door, and tried to exit, forgetting to put my car in park. This caused the car to inch ahead with its own inertia. I slammed the break down and correctly put the car in park and turned the engine off.

I spent more than my usual amount of time deciding what I wanted in 7-11, probably because I was still half thinking what I would name a dog if I owned one. I finalized my decision on some M&Ms and approached the counter.

The man working at the counter asked me how my day was going, and I was tempted to tell him about the lawn chair in my living room, but I wanted to seem sane enough to be purchasing cigarettes and M&Ms. "Kamel K Reds," I said. Obviously everyone calls those cigarettes something different. I mean first of all they are made by Camel but spelled with a K. Second they are always behind a plastic flap door so the cashier usually doesn't know where they are. Third they always mistake them for Marlboro Reds, so you have to correct someone who has been degraded enough to the job of a 7-11 cashier to make their day that much shittier.

I left 7-11 and felt like a new man. Restarting an afternoon with M&Ms and cigarettes, lunch of champions.

Making my way back to my house I started to think about every time I said the word "Fuck." Maybe I swore too much. Do people think I swear a lot?" Fuckity Fuck Fuck.

Tits. I usually think about tits a dozen times a day. It might just be a quick flash in front of my eyes that catches me off guard, nothing dangerous or anything, I can still drive while thinking about tits. Other times I picture tits in funny places, like tits underwater, tits driving tractors, tits crocheting, or flying helicopters.

I let my thoughts drift to my obligations. Man that stresses me out. Why can't a guy just think about tits in peace. Someone called me, it was Liz. My student ID and a old lozenge rapper was stuck to my phone as I answered it. Ok, I have to go pick her up now.

-Rahb

MF Doom - Born Like This

Born Like this is MF Doom's newest album released in March of this year. Born like this was a title chosen based on the poem by Charles Bukowski called Dinosauria, We. Doom uses a sample of Bukowski reciting this poem in the 10th track on the album titled Cellz. This new release from Doom is very similar to his old albums, where he uses samples from the Fantastic Four's enemy Dr. Doom. Some highlight tracks I enjoyed were: Ballskin, Cellz, Rap Ambush, and Lightworks. My favorite track off the album, however, is That's That, it shows a somber side of Doom which I had never heardbefore.






Tracklist:

01. Supervillain Intro
02. Gazillion Ear
03. Ballskin
04. Yessir [ft. Raekwon]
05. Absolutely
06. Rap Ambush
07. Lightworks
08. Batty-Boys
09. Angelz [ft. Tony Starks]
09. Cellz
10. Still Dope [ft. Empress Sharhh]
11. Microwave Mayo
12. More Rhymin' [ft. Kurious]
13. That's That
14. Suppervillainz
15. Bump's Message
16. Thank Ya

Link to Charles Bukowski's poem : http://rasml.org/dinosauria-we/

-RAHB

Study Abroad Student Contemplates Culture-Shock of Returning to the United States

ANGERS, FRANCE -- A local study-abroad student attending the Université Catholique de l'Ouest has been caught contemplating the implications of his return to the United States as the end of his travels nears. Nicholas Hinman, notorious for such films as Placid Lake 2 and the straight-to-DVD Batman in Robin, has been walking around aimlessly in circles muttering sweet-nothings to himself.

With the help of various witnesses (who wished to remain anonymous) and McDonald's surveillance tapes, The Philistine has compiled an accurate list of Mr. Hinman's dazed questions.

"Why doesn't every man over 30 have a mustache?"
"Why does everyone drive Urban-Assault Vehicles (UAVs)?"
"Where is baguette?"
"Why aren't all of the guys over 18 sporting 7th-grade haircuts and wearing a lot of Diesel?"
"Where is cheeses?"
"Why are the girls ugly?"
"Why aren't all the girls fucking crazy?"
"Why does everyone understand what I'm saying?"
"What is 'good' music?"
"Where'd all the dog shit go?"
"Why do hella people don't know I left?"

As his stint in France comes to a close, we anticipate Mr. Hinman either becoming somewhat more sane or deteriorating further to the point of schizophrenia, torn between whether he should be wearing stripes and eating cheese or drinking Hennessey and blowing lines.

- Nicolas Cage contributed to this article