South Bay Assistant Begins Gurping At Work, Loses Sense of Self/Reality

Redwood City - Over the past few weeks Navigenics Manager Denise Thomas has noticed a considerable decrease in her assistant's reliability and productivity.

Thomas first saw her son and current assistant, Monty Thomas, show symptoms of losing it when Spring began to roll around.

"Monty never ate on the way to work before, but now he usually has some sort of green milkshake right around the time we pass through the tollbooth," Denise stated. "Then as we are just pulling into the building, he starts to complain about his stomach aching. Then he just stares at his computer screen blankly till lunch, with the occasional 'woah' and 'trippy'."

Navigenics allowed The Philistine to check Mr. Thomas's time log to see how much time he said he was working and how long he took for breaks. During the months of January and February, he was clocking out an average of 45 minutes for lunch. In March alone, that average increased by over 120 minutes.

When asked about his long absences for 'almuerzo' as Monty's beaner co-workers call it, a confused look was followed by a depressing response.

"Well, eh, Mr. Thomas usually drives us to lunch in his nice big car, but lately he doesn't even want to go out to eat during his break. He just wanders out into the forest and shows up hours later," said janitor Rosa Martinez. "I've now been packing my lunch from mi casa, but even I get sick of bean burritos and churizzo."

It is uncertain as to how many mushrooms Mr. Thomas is injesting during his work day, but it has definitely taken a toll on his performance and his state of mind. The Philistine was able to get a brief comment from the once great Navigenics employee.

"Dude, I'm tripping balls right now," exclaimed Monty. "I think your pencil is melting into your notepad. Want to use my pen?"

Scientists and doctors are still both perplexed as to whether this trend of behavior will continue or if it is just seasonal.

Dude I Totally Know That Guy

Things I Love About Marin County

1. I love Mount Tam



2. I love sol food



3. I love the weather



4. I love the homies



5. I love how close one of the greatest cities in the world is to it (San Francisco).



6. I love the cars



6. I love the coast



7. I love La Ginestra




8. I love Corte Madera



9. I love Marin Brew Co.




10. I love it.


- RAHB

Discussting: Bathroom Ethics

I work at my mother's company Navigenics. I sit at a desk in an area with two other guys near by who can see what I'm doing most of the time.

My day is composed of a lot of sitting around updating computers. I usually have lunch around noon and within about an hour I retire to the restroom to take a shit.

Recently I've been taking a book with me to the bathroom when I have to make a bowel movement.

When I retrieve my reading material from my backpack and walk through the office towards the bathroom I start to feel a little strange.

I start to wonder if my having a book under my arm as a travel to and from the bathroom is appropriate.

So my serious question is: is it appropriate for me to take a book with me to the bathroom while I am working and if so does it make people feel like I'm not taking shit seriously?

- Monty

Local Berkeley Guy Bids Farewell to Tuesday

BERKELEY, CA – This morning at precisely 1:33a.m. Trevor Storey said goodbye to Tuesday.

After spending almost eight consecutive hours at his desk on Monday, Storey had taken up the opportunity to spend his Tuesday doing something he considered important.

Reporters are still-hunting for what exactly that “something” was but the one thing that is clear is that Storey was not quite ready for Tuesday to come to an end.

“I was browsing last.fm this morning and that’s when I found it,” Said Benjamin Shpringer. “At 1:33a.m. I saw that Trevor scrobbled the Lynyrd Skynyrd classic ‘Tuesday’s Gone’. I immediately phoned The Philistine.”

That track, which probably began at approximately 1:00a.m., made it clear that Storey had a rough time last night coping with the loss of, what he’d planned to be, a productive day.

“I’m not sure what this is about but yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day.” Said Billy Smartt author of “How To Tell If You’re Gay, Black, Jewish, Mexican or a Woman in 23 Easy Steps”.

Storey, who was performing surgery at the time, was unavailable for comment.

Robert Belmont for President

In 2012 I will be running for president. My counterpart Barack Hussein Obama, stands for change. Why? Change will just spoil us. We need to learn first hand about how hard life is. I stand for a strong centered government, and a liberal innocent bystanderd

-Rob

You can come to class whenever

It doesn't matter.

Get me.

Dude, did you just get jacked?

BOH BOH BOH. Right before bed I go outside to walk off a little energy I had left. The burrito from Pancho Villa was still thick in my stomach. As I'm walking down the street I see a biker being chased by some average Berkeley dude. A few friends are running behind them, laughing. Just as the biker duo is passing me I realize that they aren't just having brofun. Homeboy #1 tackles Homeboy #2 off his bike. GIMME ALL YOUR SHIT the dude says. I'm like, oh shit, and I just keep walking slowly. Homeboy #1 starts kicking him on the ground. Why I didn't stand up and say something, I don't know. What was I supposed to say, HEY, STOP DOING THAT. Some serious awkward attention. So anyways, Homeboy #2 tries to get up but unfortunately his foot is caught in his bike frame. He goes down but eventually breaks. He runs past, and the only thing I can say is, Dude, did you just get jacked? He doesn't say anything, he just runs away wimpering, on the verge of tears. Homeboy #1 picks up the bike and his homeboys skirt with him. Nobody pays attention to me, the mere spectator. I walk around the block and pick up the victim's groceries. Chris was pleased with the free spicy Cheez-Its, white bread, and mayo.