South Bay Assistant Begins Gurping At Work, Loses Sense of Self/Reality

Redwood City - Over the past few weeks Navigenics Manager Denise Thomas has noticed a considerable decrease in her assistant's reliability and productivity.

Thomas first saw her son and current assistant, Monty Thomas, show symptoms of losing it when Spring began to roll around.

"Monty never ate on the way to work before, but now he usually has some sort of green milkshake right around the time we pass through the tollbooth," Denise stated. "Then as we are just pulling into the building, he starts to complain about his stomach aching. Then he just stares at his computer screen blankly till lunch, with the occasional 'woah' and 'trippy'."

Navigenics allowed The Philistine to check Mr. Thomas's time log to see how much time he said he was working and how long he took for breaks. During the months of January and February, he was clocking out an average of 45 minutes for lunch. In March alone, that average increased by over 120 minutes.

When asked about his long absences for 'almuerzo' as Monty's beaner co-workers call it, a confused look was followed by a depressing response.

"Well, eh, Mr. Thomas usually drives us to lunch in his nice big car, but lately he doesn't even want to go out to eat during his break. He just wanders out into the forest and shows up hours later," said janitor Rosa Martinez. "I've now been packing my lunch from mi casa, but even I get sick of bean burritos and churizzo."

It is uncertain as to how many mushrooms Mr. Thomas is injesting during his work day, but it has definitely taken a toll on his performance and his state of mind. The Philistine was able to get a brief comment from the once great Navigenics employee.

"Dude, I'm tripping balls right now," exclaimed Monty. "I think your pencil is melting into your notepad. Want to use my pen?"

Scientists and doctors are still both perplexed as to whether this trend of behavior will continue or if it is just seasonal.