Three Wipe Mice

Struggling to push out the chicken parmigiana I had not but four hours ago, I began to unravel a few sheets of two ply Cottonelle. A minute passes and I began my routine of leaning to the left, applying all the pressure on one side of the porcelain oval. Just as I begin my first wipe I hear a large CRRRRACCCCCK. Thoughts were racing through my mind as to what the sound might have been. I stood to see what damage had been done and to my dismay the seat, had broken. Embarrasment, shame, foolishness, all feelings that made me stare at the car crash that wouldnt allow my eyes elsewhere. How do I tell my roommate? Does this come out of my security deposit? I had no answers for these questions. I finished my buisness and flushed my emotions away. I could only sit back and laugh at what had just occured. At least I had a good story to tell for the next few days, I thought.

Later that day as I was driving to the gym with Danny, I brought up the topic of wiping. At first it was just a story of how I had broken the toilet seat but soon turned into a world I was unaware of. He explained to me that there were more methods to wiping than I knew. Not only were there those who stood to wipe, but those who went between the legs when sitting. I couldn't believe, I wouldn't believe it, alternative methods to wiping? For so long I had trusted the lean and now I was unsure of what to think. Where did the lean get me, I asked myself. It got me a broken toilet seat. Now I was doubting myself, my method, everything. My world was crashing down over such a simple thing. I thought the best thing I could do was teach as many as I could of these three ways to keep your ass clean.

For those unaware of the three methods of wiping, I will give a brief overview of each so that you may make a decision which is best for you. First is this one I have used for as long as I can remember, the sit and lean. To begin, lean to the opposite side of your dominant hand so that there is a clearance space between your ass and the toilet. Reach behind you with your dominant hand and wipe. Bring the paper up back up to see how much wiping is still necessary.

Secondly is the sit and spread. To begin, spread your legs so that there is plenty of space for proper wiping. Reach between your legs and wipe starting at the top of your buttcrack moving towards the genitals. Caution, dont get shit on your junk.

Finally is the stand and bend. To begin, stand up and bend your legs slightly to create proper space between the cheeks. With your dominant hand apply the same technique as method one, going from bottom to the top of the ass crack.

Spread the knowledge, no pun intended.

-Trevor