Local Tech Guru Opts Out of Social Networking for Sun Glasses

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A local tech prodigy has quit his job at a local tech giant to revolutionize the optical industry.

On Monday Matthew Martin announced his departure from a lucrative career in technology. The move was made in order to pursue his dreams of creating the start-up coolsunglasses.com.

Martin moments before he decided to leave his job.

"Matty had this technology that he'd been developing with the sun glasses," political scientist Kyle Sirell explained to the AP during a press conference late Monday night. "Essentially it would allow you to tell the difference between typical people and the extra terrestrials that are apparently posing as humans."

Martin turned down a salary of $457,000 a year with quarterly bonuses and stock options, as well as a seat next to Jack Nicholson at every single home Laker's game.

On Tuesday morning Martin incorporated coolsunglasses.com and raised $38 billion by 12:45pm. On Wednesday afternoon, after the company officially went public, its stock opened at $694.14 rallying past Apple Computer. By market close the stock had fallen to just under $1, apparently due to heavy shorting by rogue investor Nicholas Kawamoto.

"I just told everyone to buy, you know?" Kawamoto explained during a seizure he was having on the floor of the NYSE. "Who would have thought it was going to work!?!?!?!?!?!"

Kawamoto speculating on the stock market with a pair of shades from coolsunglasses.com.

Thursday night Martin was discovered at Delirium in San Francisco telling everyone in the bar that he was born in the U.S.A.

"The guy was screaming," former doctor and toy store employee Trevor Storey said. “Plus there were like no bitches there, and the ones who were there were not down to hook up, so I flipped off Monty and left.”

Martin was seen at many locations around the Bay Area, raising money and working with his colleagues on the details of his new eye wear solution.

Martin holding a meeting with his first two employees at the donut shop on Van Ness and Market late Saturday night.

Derrick Schoening (pictured above left) was previously a used car salesman, but when Martin rescued him from a suicide attempt, he began working on coolsunglasses.com. Carter “Barry Bonds” Grady (right) was a professional baseball player from 1986 to 2007. His career ended when he was caught stealing Sunkist and Skittles from the stadium vending machines. He is vice president of community out reach for coolsunglasses.com.

Martin refused comment on this story and is said to be at the beach working on his tan for the upcoming keynote.