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Tiga Cheetah by rcbelmont

The Philistine Finds Audience in Anonymous Internet User

CO? – As The Philistine, again, missed its long over-due printing deadline, an anonymous internet user posted a comment.

It was determined, from a painstaking 27 month study of The Philistine's google analytics page, that the culprit is this man:

"After President Belmont phoned me I went over to the university and apprehended Mr. Grady," a Colorado state trooper said.

The man that our friends at the Colorado State Patrol picked up was identified as Carter Grady, identification was further clarified by The Philistine staff once the above image was received.

"The man is actually sports phenomenon Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady," Philistine staffer, and sports enthusiast, Trevor Storey said. "I mean I didn't even bat an eye when I saw that photo."

During the interrogation the following slides were presented to Grady in order to prove to him that he was in fact the aforementioned "Anonymous" internet user.

The first piece of evidence shows the traffic coming to The Philistine from the state of Colorado, which was all stemming from the city of Boulder, where Grady resides.

As Grady was presented the second image, he involuntarily yelled out the expression "BOOM!"

"We had to make sure it was him," Attorney General Lucas Wilson said, as he exited the interrogation room.

Grady was beaten with a 2lb bag of skittles until the bag burst and hysteria ensued.

"Why did you guys arrest me if I'm you're only fan?" Grady eventually asked, after things had calmed down.

The Philistine promptly released him.

Local Best Buy Manager Breeds Award Winning Persian Cats

EUGENE, OR - Local assailant and cell phone salesman turned manager, Robert Belmont, has dropped his cell phones and picked up kittens. Belmont bred four Persian Cats this last year and has achieved 4 Blue ribbons at the Eugene Cat Fancier's Tournament.

"I just like pussy," Belmont says, "there isn't any amount of words that sums up the pride one gets by breeding pussy and then winning an award for it."

One of Belmont's Cats, Hermoine, won best in class for Persian's, and won a best in show ribbon as well.

"Hermoine is a good pussy, she knows she is too you can tell by the way she walks," says Belmont.

Belmont is a rookie in the cat breeding world and is the youngest breeder to win a best in show and best in class ribbon for his cats.

Introducing the Eugene Skate Kr3w

The Interview

Predictably, Christmas time came to an odd close. The wrapping up of 2010 was phenomenally unemotional. Which is, partially, why The Philistine felt compelled to cover this extraordinary exchange between political scientist, and cigarette activist, Kyle Sirell and actual scientist Dr. Brian Jacobson.

Local "Mountain Man" Discovered on Local Mountain

The "mountain man" making his initial approach

Mill Valley, CA – A group of hikers were terrorized Saturday afternoon by what witnesses described as a "mountain man".

The hikers were visiting the world famous Mount Tamalpais, which had recently acquired the right to have snow fall on it, at the time of the incident.

"I was made aware of the situation about 15 mins after we arrived," local guitarist and media mogul Chris Cohan said. "Motherfucker just nailed me with a snowball, shit was on after that."

Cohan not giving a fuck

Apparently the "mountain man" wasn't having it

Patrick intervened, attempting to save the day

But failed

Yet, the war raged on

Cohan surrenders

When the battle concluded 19 people were dead. As the survivors fled the scene, The Philistine had a chance to catch up with the "mountain man".

"I be here long time," the "mountain man" said.

That statement was the end of the interview. Nonetheless, park rangers informed us that the "mountain man" does respond to "OMG LOL BUTSEKZ", and has apparently been spotted on the mountain since the spring of 1988.

The park rangers service has contacted President Belmont's administration and a carpet bombing of Mount Tam is slated for April.

Local Group of Friends Discover That New Years is Arbitrary

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a moment that had occurred many times in the past, and one that would continue to take place for the rest of their lives, a local fellowship collectively realized the final day of the Gregorian year is, in fact, meaningless.

As the clock struck midnight on the west coast, the crowd outside Casanova on Valencia St. was still counting down.

What followed was a series of superfluous countdowns to the same moment, that had already passed.

Sports legend Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady attempting to make sense of the situation.

In the confusion of the post-midnight moments many were racing to understand what had transpired. Sports phenomenon Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady helped reporters catch up with the ball, so to speak.

"We were all expecting a big boom, or at least I was," 'Bonds' Grady told The Philistine during his 31 mile New Year's resolution jog.

Others were less perturbed by the uncertainty. Local music entrepreneur Chris Cohan decided to send out a mass text to everyone: "Fuck your mothers".

With little regard for New Year's' lack of significance famous artist Matthew Martin curiously lead a mob all the way to Hunter's Point where everyone stopped abruptly and turned around.

"What we all know is true, is that it's really just an opportunity to give all your close buddies a big wet one," Local political science major, and recent graduate (pending some overdue homework assignments), Kyle Sirell explained. "I'll wait a year for that."

Sirell and 'good ol'' Casey Stikker attempting an embrace.

Despite all the varying opinions on the evening, The Philistine determined that Martin had the last word. 

As the night came to a close, he simply kept muttering the word "meaning" over and over until every last New Year's Ever fell asleep, and welcomed January 1st 2011.

The following is a documentary brought to you by the people at The Philistine (The following video in no way reflects the views and opinions of The Philistine Group or its affiliates):