Local "Mountain Man" Discovered on Local Mountain

The "mountain man" making his initial approach

Mill Valley, CA – A group of hikers were terrorized Saturday afternoon by what witnesses described as a "mountain man".

The hikers were visiting the world famous Mount Tamalpais, which had recently acquired the right to have snow fall on it, at the time of the incident.

"I was made aware of the situation about 15 mins after we arrived," local guitarist and media mogul Chris Cohan said. "Motherfucker just nailed me with a snowball, shit was on after that."

Cohan not giving a fuck

Apparently the "mountain man" wasn't having it

Patrick intervened, attempting to save the day

But failed

Yet, the war raged on

Cohan surrenders

When the battle concluded 19 people were dead. As the survivors fled the scene, The Philistine had a chance to catch up with the "mountain man".

"I be here long time," the "mountain man" said.

That statement was the end of the interview. Nonetheless, park rangers informed us that the "mountain man" does respond to "OMG LOL BUTSEKZ", and has apparently been spotted on the mountain since the spring of 1988.

The park rangers service has contacted President Belmont's administration and a carpet bombing of Mount Tam is slated for April.

Local Feud Gets Resolved

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- After a fight that broke out over who is better at file sharing, two guys kissed and made up.

The dispute started when local vegetable salesman, Sean Tai, ignited a cigarette while standing next to Philistine contributor, Rock & Roll Rowley I.

Rock & Roll Rowley I (right) moments before he and Sean Tai (left) brawled.

“I didn’t even hear him walk up at first,” Rowley said. “But by the time he started talking it was fuckin’ over.”

The two followed their initial encounter by exchanging empty gestures and casual conversation, until Tai brought up his long overdue need to move from Windows Vista to Windows XP.

“Monty had been saying for months how he would hook me up with some Lenovo recovery discs,” Tai said. “I was at my wit's end.”

The discussion deteriorated rapidly to a debate over who had the best ratios on numerous torrent sites, that the two fighters happened to belong to.

“They’re both faggots,” William Smartt of Smart(t) Investments® said.

It was unclear who threw the first punch, but when the smoke settled it was even less clear as to how the two had resolved their disputation.

Thank heavens it’s over though.

Local San Francisco Guy Arrives

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- On July 30th Manface arrived. On July 31st at 3:47am Lil' Big broke his ankle during a dog pile organized by Attorney General Lucas Wilson.

During further investigation into the matter it was discovered that Dr. Brian Jacobson, of Eugene, OR, was the last one on the pyramid causing the final blow that snapped Big's fibula.

"Dude I swear to god someone is going to break a bone tonight," Big said to Manface when the two met up at Bryan Lock's manor. "I just know it."

Dr. Jacobson pictured here moments before he landed on the dog pile.

Big was driven to the hospital two and a half hours after Grant Martin diagnosed his injuries.

"It wasn't that we were neglecting to take care of him," Manface said. "It's just that Lucas turned on Point Break and we all got sidetracked."

At 11am on July 31st Big was released from the hospital on crutches. Dr. Jacobson escorted him back to the Wilson's home and they made a recovery together.

"The doctors say I need surgery but insurance will not cover the costs and It'll be about 27 weeks before I can walk again," Big said. "The operation is said to be about $2.5 million, something to do with a Dr. Storey and his excessive retainer."

Grant Martin pictured here with Attorney General Lucas Wilson on their way to the gym.

With 12 albums in the pipeline this is not the most ideal time for Big to be out. He is confident though that William Smartt, of Smartt Investments, will be able to raise enough capital for his surgery.

"If not I can always hit up Jack Herr," Big said. "I owe him about $34,000 for all those times we went to Sweden House, but he's such a push over, you know?"

President Belmont was unavailable to comment, due to the recent purchase of an Xbox 360.

MF Doom - Born Like This

Born Like this is MF Doom's newest album released in March of this year. Born like this was a title chosen based on the poem by Charles Bukowski called Dinosauria, We. Doom uses a sample of Bukowski reciting this poem in the 10th track on the album titled Cellz. This new release from Doom is very similar to his old albums, where he uses samples from the Fantastic Four's enemy Dr. Doom. Some highlight tracks I enjoyed were: Ballskin, Cellz, Rap Ambush, and Lightworks. My favorite track off the album, however, is That's That, it shows a somber side of Doom which I had never heardbefore.






Tracklist:

01. Supervillain Intro
02. Gazillion Ear
03. Ballskin
04. Yessir [ft. Raekwon]
05. Absolutely
06. Rap Ambush
07. Lightworks
08. Batty-Boys
09. Angelz [ft. Tony Starks]
09. Cellz
10. Still Dope [ft. Empress Sharhh]
11. Microwave Mayo
12. More Rhymin' [ft. Kurious]
13. That's That
14. Suppervillainz
15. Bump's Message
16. Thank Ya

Link to Charles Bukowski's poem : http://rasml.org/dinosauria-we/

-RAHB

Man Orders "Freedom" Fries in France

by Robert Belmont

ANGERS, FRANCE - Saturday at around 12 p.m. Nicholas Hinman, a 20 year old exchange student from the University of Oregon, ordered what he called "Freedom" fries with his hamburger at a small cafe.

Hinman's order didn't mix well with the French waiter, Jacque Cousteau. Cousteau proceeded to yell at Hinman in French, in words he did not understand.

Bystanders said Hinman pulled a French flag out of his "man-purse," ejaculated on it and rubbed it in the waiters face screaming, "HOLD THE MAYONAISE I HAVE MY OWN." Hinman then proceeded to take off all his clothes, wrap himself in an American flag and run throughout the streets of Angers singing the US national anthem.

The French police are determining whether Hinman's behavior was an act of protest, terrorism, or pleasure. A reward of 10 euros has been put up by the French police for information regarding the whereabouts of Hinman.

You can come to class whenever

It doesn't matter.

Get me.

Airports are fucking Shamele$$

On a journey that at its conclusion will have taken approximately 16 hours, I am hungry.

I hate eating in fucking airports. Especially after I've been in another country or something that has caused me to miss the food I covet at home.

When my first meal is a BBQ chicken pizza from a CPK express I am usually dissapointed. It is not the kind of transition I like to make back to the land where my meal options are so satisfying.

On this particular trip I have been cut no slack by the restaurants at Atlanta's airport. Upon reviewing my options I came to my last resort. Pizza Hut Express.

At first it didn't seem all that bad. It was not until I sat down to eat my long overdue meal that I was hit with the outrageous realization that I had been ripped off beyond my expectations.



I was met with this fucking piece of pizza which if you can't tell measures about 4" in diameter.

To the right of this pizza is my receipt that tells the story (in numbers) of how I got fucked over.

$6.08 was what this pie cost me along with a medium (which is the smallest size they offer) coke.

Fuck airports. They get you when you're hungry and convinced that you need.

-Monty

Further Eructations

It is pretty frequent that someone points out how much it smells in the rooms or areas I occupy. I've had bad gas for a long time now, maybe 8 or 10 months. This is not to say I need surgery or anything.

I don't fart constantly, I simply eat something that might contribute to my stomach not feeling so hot and then I get gas.

I don't make new years resolutions because I usually forget them within a week or two. Not to mention why should I make a resolution about changing something only at one time of the year. If I want to fart even more I can always decide that on February 16th or even 17th.

I have yet to realize that it is 2009.

I'm on vacation and when I get home I'm going to be on vacation until 2010.

- Monty

Where have all the good Burritos gone?

It's no wonder that so many of us have found ourselves hungry these days.

Luckily there is a solution. One that I've found resolution with many times.

So if you live in Albany, Berkeley, San Francisco or close by, you should come on down to Gordo Taqueria.



One time we saw what's his face there. Fuckin...the guy in Patch Adams.

-Monty

Me and David

I remember the night very clearly. It was cold, and the air smelled of fresh rain. We met at a nice, dimly lit restaurant in the east village. He greeted me cordially, “Wow, you look amazing tonight.” He took my black coat, and kissed me on the cheek gently, I knew it was the night I would lose my virginity. I had never been with a man before and the entrance into homosexuality gave me goose bumps.

It made me a little bit nervous that he was such a well known actor, I mean ten seasons of one of the most popular shows on TV. I had always thought he was the most attractive on Friends, and I was really jealous that he'd had a baby with Rachel. I hated Jennifer Aniston, and there were times I would lay in bed practically punching my pillow in anger.

We got a wonderful table as far away from the kitchen as possible with a lot of privacy. The waiter arrived with a bottle of what looked like expensive wine. “Mr. Schwimmer, this is one of our finest bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon, a 1967 Duckhorn from Napa Valley.” David replied quietly, “Perfect, we will need one more after this as well.” We ordered, I had roast duck with mixed vegetables as a side. The wine was amazing, and it was making me red and a little tipsy. David reached across the table and gently grasped my hand. “Rob, you make me so happy and I would love if you would come see my studio tonight.” I replied, “Oh David! You’re so forward.” We exchanged very sexual glances and the tension was building.

He motioned for the waiter to bring the check and it was there in 30 seconds. David put down an American Express black card, we waited for the receipt and left. Outside we hailed a cab, and he told the driver the address of his studio, I was so tipsy I didn’t catch where we were going. We pulled in front of a building with two doors and a brick staircase; he took my arm and escorted me into his studio.

It was a giant room with long sprawling couches and a huge bed that was made private by a white see-through curtain. “Would you like a drink Rob?” I replied, “Yes, I’d love a martini.” He mixed a few things and shook some more, and came and sat next to me on the couch. “Why aren’t you having a drink?” I asked. “I don’t drink,” he replied.

He started kissing my neck, and I knew it was time. We took off our clothes and moved to the bed. He started touching me places I had never been touched, and I loved it. He put my rear in the air and I felt his cock enter my ass. It hurt like I had never been hurt before. We had sex for what felt like four hours, and when he finished I felt something wet on my back I turned around expecting it to be over. Little did I know he had not finished and tricked me into receiving a face full of cum. He screamed, “HOUDINI’D BITCH!”

-Rob