The Philistine Finds Audience in Anonymous Internet User

CO? – As The Philistine, again, missed its long over-due printing deadline, an anonymous internet user posted a comment.

It was determined, from a painstaking 27 month study of The Philistine's google analytics page, that the culprit is this man:

"After President Belmont phoned me I went over to the university and apprehended Mr. Grady," a Colorado state trooper said.

The man that our friends at the Colorado State Patrol picked up was identified as Carter Grady, identification was further clarified by The Philistine staff once the above image was received.

"The man is actually sports phenomenon Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady," Philistine staffer, and sports enthusiast, Trevor Storey said. "I mean I didn't even bat an eye when I saw that photo."

During the interrogation the following slides were presented to Grady in order to prove to him that he was in fact the aforementioned "Anonymous" internet user.

The first piece of evidence shows the traffic coming to The Philistine from the state of Colorado, which was all stemming from the city of Boulder, where Grady resides.

As Grady was presented the second image, he involuntarily yelled out the expression "BOOM!"

"We had to make sure it was him," Attorney General Lucas Wilson said, as he exited the interrogation room.

Grady was beaten with a 2lb bag of skittles until the bag burst and hysteria ensued.

"Why did you guys arrest me if I'm you're only fan?" Grady eventually asked, after things had calmed down.

The Philistine promptly released him.

The Interview

Predictably, Christmas time came to an odd close. The wrapping up of 2010 was phenomenally unemotional. Which is, partially, why The Philistine felt compelled to cover this extraordinary exchange between political scientist, and cigarette activist, Kyle Sirell and actual scientist Dr. Brian Jacobson.

Thomas in Talks to Train with Thomas

Rock and Roll Rowley (left) and Mackenzie Thomas (right)

TIBURON, CA – In a move that has caused sports fans all across the bay area to question their hearing, Rock and Roll Rowley I has entered the running to train alongside famed Tiburon Peninsula Little League all-star Mackenzie Thomas.

After throwing out his arm during practice for the semi-finals, Rowley unequivocally called it quits.

"I was finished," Rowley said during an e-mail interview with local cretin Trevor Todd Storey. "I just couldn't throw another baseball."

The move came at a critical time for the team. Things had been looking bleak towards the end of the summer season as fellow player Kyle Sirell missed practice in order to finish his diorama.

Thomas is expected to deliver his landmark decision on Friday evening to a crowd of more than 15,000 at Blackie's pasture during the annual "Let's Dig Up Blackie's Carcass" festival.

A less surprising bit of news was the no-show of President Robert Belmont at the game on September 12. A spokesman for the Belmont administration declined to comment on the absence.

President Belmont's truancy is notable due to his recent negotiations with Attorney General (and team captain) Lucas Wilson in regards to the acquisition of MVP Matthew Yarborough.

"It came to our attention during a practice that Matt might be worth some money," Wilson said during an early morning conversation outside Noah's Bagels in Greenbrae. "But hey, the team is not gonna fall apart over this. We're gonna be #1."

That, sadly, may not be true. It is rumored that the Belmont administration has offered Yarborough a three month $38 million contract to play on the executive team. 

This would, ultimately, render Rowley's training with Thomas superfluous.

Return of the Bohunk

Sometime in the early to mid part of February, just before the second half of that month, the former doctor Trevor Todd Storey, shit his pants.

He was walking down the stairs of his two-floor apartment complex when his 250 lb television set, which he had procured from a free auction at Smart(t) Investments™, fell on him.

The injuries he sustained were beyond the scope of his own medical expertise. Diagnosis was secured via telephone by a local veterinarian Mackenzie Thomas.

At the hospital Storey received multiple stitches including some that fastened his eyelids shut. Thomas, who was attempting to perform an autopsy due to the fact that he was under the impression that Storey was a deceased goat, explained that the stitches were merely a precaution.

“He was giving me the stink eye,” Thomas said in an interview outside the San Francisco Zoo. “I couldn’t work under those conditions.”

Despite his accident, Storey has re-invented himself in the last few months. After being sequestered in his two-bedroom Berkeley slum for approximately 456 days straight, he left the room.

By going outdoors, Storey landed a job at a hapless, nearly criminal, San Francisco website.

Storey’s rise to dereliction has been swift and licentious. In light of three long-winded sexual encounters with his homely manager, he was offered a promotion.

The conditions of the escalation in responsibility were that he would not be provided with increased financial incentives for at least 60 days. Those 60 days ended on Monday.

Over the course of a five hour meeting with the arbiters of finance at the company, a deal was made.

“I was given the option of a traditional raise or they said they would pay for my drinks at lunch for the duration of employment,” Storey said at a late night meeting with investors. “I took the sodas of course.”

As The Philistine missed its printing date, Storey was eating a turkey sandwich at The Toaster Oven. The Philistine staff walked by the restaurant gloating. Nonetheless, Storey continued to sip his free Mr. Pibb with delight.

Storey will be talking about his corporate ascension strategy at the Cow Palace this coming Saturday June 19th, from 5:30am-9pm, with special, but as of yet unconfirmed, guest Charlie Ansanelli.

Who Is The Real Trevor Todd Storey?

Local San Francisco Guy Arrives

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- On July 30th Manface arrived. On July 31st at 3:47am Lil' Big broke his ankle during a dog pile organized by Attorney General Lucas Wilson.

During further investigation into the matter it was discovered that Dr. Brian Jacobson, of Eugene, OR, was the last one on the pyramid causing the final blow that snapped Big's fibula.

"Dude I swear to god someone is going to break a bone tonight," Big said to Manface when the two met up at Bryan Lock's manor. "I just know it."

Dr. Jacobson pictured here moments before he landed on the dog pile.

Big was driven to the hospital two and a half hours after Grant Martin diagnosed his injuries.

"It wasn't that we were neglecting to take care of him," Manface said. "It's just that Lucas turned on Point Break and we all got sidetracked."

At 11am on July 31st Big was released from the hospital on crutches. Dr. Jacobson escorted him back to the Wilson's home and they made a recovery together.

"The doctors say I need surgery but insurance will not cover the costs and It'll be about 27 weeks before I can walk again," Big said. "The operation is said to be about $2.5 million, something to do with a Dr. Storey and his excessive retainer."

Grant Martin pictured here with Attorney General Lucas Wilson on their way to the gym.

With 12 albums in the pipeline this is not the most ideal time for Big to be out. He is confident though that William Smartt, of Smartt Investments, will be able to raise enough capital for his surgery.

"If not I can always hit up Jack Herr," Big said. "I owe him about $34,000 for all those times we went to Sweden House, but he's such a push over, you know?"

President Belmont was unavailable to comment, due to the recent purchase of an Xbox 360.

Welcome To Berkeley Community College

It is with great pleasure that we announce The Philistine's own Trevor Todd Storey as the next candidate for the Smartt Investment Little Urban Achiever Scholarship.

Storey, a former MD, has been living in the Berkeley area for the past eight months. His medical license was revoked in a freak situation where Storey attempted to perform his debut stand up comedy routine during brain surgery.

When Dr. Brian Jacobson was made aware of the situation the matter was kicked up to the medical board of Alta Bates Medical Center, where Storey worked.

"We lost that guy that Doc Storey was fuckin around with, but that's not the reason [Storey] was booted," Dr. Jacobson said. "Everyone was so appalled by his comedy routine that nobody on the board felt comfortable keeping him around."

When asked to comment President Belmont refused, but his staff issued this statement on Monday:

"We are happy that Trevor has taken an interest in softball. The president has not yet declared his opinion on the comedy bit but we will expect to hear back from him when he returns from his bike ride next month."

Storey will be featured in this month's issue of the NAACP magazine, as the first white person to receive the aforementioned scholarship.

Local Eugene Inmate Violently Brutalized

MADRAS, OR -- Pete, a local Eugene felon and overall good guy, has recently been checked into the intensive care unit at Deer Ridge Correctional.

Pete sustained several injuries during an altercation with her cellmate, Matisse Frazier. Prison staff discovered the two women moments after the conflict had ended.

Pete had been badly beaten due to an argument involving who got to sleep on the single cot that is currently available in their cell.

Prison guards explained that the cot situation at Deer Ridge is a mounting problem, overcrowding has forced certain prisoners to sleep on the ground of their cells.

"I don't give a fuck, you fucking bitch ass motherfuckers, you can all suck my dick, fucking bullshit" Frazier said. "I'm not sleeping on the ground, no way, fuck ass."

Pete could not comment because of severe damage to her jawbone. She was able to scribble this on a pad: "I didn't even give a fuck about the sleeping situation, Matisse took my shiv, I was trying to kill that bitch."

Dr. Storey did correctly diagnose at least one injury that Pete sustained as a bruise:

You can't disconnect unless you...

nevermind.
Get me.

MF Doom - Born Like This

Born Like this is MF Doom's newest album released in March of this year. Born like this was a title chosen based on the poem by Charles Bukowski called Dinosauria, We. Doom uses a sample of Bukowski reciting this poem in the 10th track on the album titled Cellz. This new release from Doom is very similar to his old albums, where he uses samples from the Fantastic Four's enemy Dr. Doom. Some highlight tracks I enjoyed were: Ballskin, Cellz, Rap Ambush, and Lightworks. My favorite track off the album, however, is That's That, it shows a somber side of Doom which I had never heardbefore.






Tracklist:

01. Supervillain Intro
02. Gazillion Ear
03. Ballskin
04. Yessir [ft. Raekwon]
05. Absolutely
06. Rap Ambush
07. Lightworks
08. Batty-Boys
09. Angelz [ft. Tony Starks]
09. Cellz
10. Still Dope [ft. Empress Sharhh]
11. Microwave Mayo
12. More Rhymin' [ft. Kurious]
13. That's That
14. Suppervillainz
15. Bump's Message
16. Thank Ya

Link to Charles Bukowski's poem : http://rasml.org/dinosauria-we/

-RAHB

Man Orders "Freedom" Fries in France

by Robert Belmont

ANGERS, FRANCE - Saturday at around 12 p.m. Nicholas Hinman, a 20 year old exchange student from the University of Oregon, ordered what he called "Freedom" fries with his hamburger at a small cafe.

Hinman's order didn't mix well with the French waiter, Jacque Cousteau. Cousteau proceeded to yell at Hinman in French, in words he did not understand.

Bystanders said Hinman pulled a French flag out of his "man-purse," ejaculated on it and rubbed it in the waiters face screaming, "HOLD THE MAYONAISE I HAVE MY OWN." Hinman then proceeded to take off all his clothes, wrap himself in an American flag and run throughout the streets of Angers singing the US national anthem.

The French police are determining whether Hinman's behavior was an act of protest, terrorism, or pleasure. A reward of 10 euros has been put up by the French police for information regarding the whereabouts of Hinman.

Local Berkeley Guy Diagnosed With Lymphoma

BERKELEY, CA -- Local multitask tycoon and toy store employee Dr. Trevor Storey was diagnosed with lymphoma by a colleague at the toy store this afternoon.

The cancer, which is deadly, affects the immune system. Most patients enter chemo immediately if they prefer survival over eminent death.

Dr. Storey told a panel of UC Berkeley medical students on Monday morning that he is opting out of the chemo for the time being.

"I just want to keep my options open," Dr. Storey said. "They really lock you in with that whole process."

Dr. Storey has spent the last eight hours at his computer juggling 38 different tasks. These include fantasy baseball, online poker, world of warcraft, watching SNL on hulu, smoking marijuana, eatind dinner, brushing his teeth, scrabble via facebook with six different people, two different telephone conversations, homework, 19 instant messenger conversations and listening to his iPod amongst other things.

Judging by Dr. Storey's current situation, and ultimately dillemma, The Philistine has placed a wager that he will be dead in 12 days.

Local Berkeley Guy Bids Farewell to Tuesday

BERKELEY, CA – This morning at precisely 1:33a.m. Trevor Storey said goodbye to Tuesday.

After spending almost eight consecutive hours at his desk on Monday, Storey had taken up the opportunity to spend his Tuesday doing something he considered important.

Reporters are still-hunting for what exactly that “something” was but the one thing that is clear is that Storey was not quite ready for Tuesday to come to an end.

“I was browsing last.fm this morning and that’s when I found it,” Said Benjamin Shpringer. “At 1:33a.m. I saw that Trevor scrobbled the Lynyrd Skynyrd classic ‘Tuesday’s Gone’. I immediately phoned The Philistine.”

That track, which probably began at approximately 1:00a.m., made it clear that Storey had a rough time last night coping with the loss of, what he’d planned to be, a productive day.

“I’m not sure what this is about but yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day.” Said Billy Smartt author of “How To Tell If You’re Gay, Black, Jewish, Mexican or a Woman in 23 Easy Steps”.

Storey, who was performing surgery at the time, was unavailable for comment.

You can come to class whenever

It doesn't matter.

Get me.

Introducing...The Jello Pack!

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-A/C adapter
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All for only 6 easy payments of $24.99


Copyright R-O-B Enterprises 2009

I present...

The first issue of The Philistine magazine.


Get the full PDF here (It should be clear, but if it is not, click Issue1.pdf, anyone using firefox might have to open in IE or download it if it doesn't work hit me up noob88@gmail.com).

It is clearly a little tardy, forgive me. This is for November 2008.

Please let me know if you want to write an article for any subsequent issues of the magazine or if you have a blog post you feel compelled to include in the magazine.

I am always looking for new articles.

-Monty

I don't like breakfast anymore

Dave and Mike's used to be a place I went to most weekends.

We'd often travel there by means of bike or foot prior to acquiring driver's licenses. I remember a specific day we walked down there from Billy's house.

These days though I am finding more and more that I do not feel very good after I eat breakfast.

Even when it's just cereal or something. I feel tired and drained rather than optimistic about my day.

This doesn't suggest by any stretch that I am talking shit on breakfast. It still in theory is a wonderful meal.

I will now offer a list of my favorite places for breakfast, places I would still go to even though I have changed my mind about breakfast.

Dave and Mike's
There is no question about it. This is the original spot. Where going to breakfast began and hopefully where it might some day continue.


Crepevine
The newest spot I've discovered for breakfast, they've got two locations that I know of. One in San Rafael and one on Fillmore.

Swinger's
Hands down the best pancakes I've ever had. Banana that is, if you get something else you're just a fruit. Only problem is this place is in Santa Monica. Bullshit.

-Monty