Sometime in the early to mid part of February, just before the second half of that month, the former doctor Trevor Todd Storey, shit his pants.
He was walking down the stairs of his two-floor apartment complex when his 250 lb television set, which he had procured from a free auction at Smart(t) Investments™, fell on him.
The injuries he sustained were beyond the scope of his own medical expertise. Diagnosis was secured via telephone by a local veterinarian Mackenzie Thomas.
At the hospital Storey received multiple stitches including some that fastened his eyelids shut. Thomas, who was attempting to perform an autopsy due to the fact that he was under the impression that Storey was a deceased goat, explained that the stitches were merely a precaution.
“He was giving me the stink eye,” Thomas said in an interview outside the San Francisco Zoo. “I couldn’t work under those conditions.”
Despite his accident, Storey has re-invented himself in the last few months. After being sequestered in his two-bedroom Berkeley slum for approximately 456 days straight, he left the room.
By going outdoors, Storey landed a job at a hapless, nearly criminal, San Francisco website.
Storey’s rise to dereliction has been swift and licentious. In light of three long-winded sexual encounters with his homely manager, he was offered a promotion.
The conditions of the escalation in responsibility were that he would not be provided with increased financial incentives for at least 60 days. Those 60 days ended on Monday.
Over the course of a five hour meeting with the arbiters of finance at the company, a deal was made.
“I was given the option of a traditional raise or they said they would pay for my drinks at lunch for the duration of employment,” Storey said at a late night meeting with investors. “I took the sodas of course.”
As The Philistine missed its printing date, Storey was eating a turkey sandwich at The Toaster Oven. The Philistine staff walked by the restaurant gloating. Nonetheless, Storey continued to sip his free Mr. Pibb with delight.
Storey will be talking about his corporate ascension strategy at the Cow Palace this coming Saturday June 19th, from 5:30am-9pm, with special, but as of yet unconfirmed, guest Charlie Ansanelli.
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