Showing posts with label pooping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pooping. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Movie Review: Beauty Shop

Name: Beauty Shop
Actors: Queen Latifah, Alicia Silverstone, Andie McDowell, Mena Suvari
Awards/Nominations: BET Comedy Award (Nominated), Black Movie Award (Nominated), Teen Choice Award (Nominated)
Plot: A wonderful comedy about a woman (Queen Latifah), who buys a barber shop in the Atlanta "ghetto" from a local hairdresser, after she is fired from a posh hair studio. Queen Latifah battles with the startup costs of a small business and the mistrust from patrons of the previous owner. After her one of her old clients (Mena Suvari) shows Queen Latifah's "secret" conditioner to the corporate heads of Covergirl in New York, the world is at her fingertips.


Review: I thought this movie was a very inspirational comedy for the person curious about small business. The black stereotypes in this film were oh so very on-point. Birdman plays the local thug, who rolls on 22's and calls all the women "shawdy," while a woman rolls her friend chicken cart into Latifah's hair studio selling to the patrons. Like most other Queen Latifah movies, she plays the large woman in charge influencing everyone and their mother. I watched this movie on BET which completed my cultural experience with commercial breaks featuring Wendy Williams, and Monique pushing their horrible talk shows. Overall this movie made my night, maybe even month. Oh and Alicia Silverstone plays a black woman.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Man Orders "Freedom" Fries in France

by Robert Belmont

ANGERS, FRANCE - Saturday at around 12 p.m. Nicholas Hinman, a 20 year old exchange student from the University of Oregon, ordered what he called "Freedom" fries with his hamburger at a small cafe.

Hinman's order didn't mix well with the French waiter, Jacque Cousteau. Cousteau proceeded to yell at Hinman in French, in words he did not understand.

Bystanders said Hinman pulled a French flag out of his "man-purse," ejaculated on it and rubbed it in the waiters face screaming, "HOLD THE MAYONAISE I HAVE MY OWN." Hinman then proceeded to take off all his clothes, wrap himself in an American flag and run throughout the streets of Angers singing the US national anthem.

The French police are determining whether Hinman's behavior was an act of protest, terrorism, or pleasure. A reward of 10 euros has been put up by the French police for information regarding the whereabouts of Hinman.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Local Berkeley Guy Bids Farewell to Tuesday

BERKELEY, CA – This morning at precisely 1:33a.m. Trevor Storey said goodbye to Tuesday.

After spending almost eight consecutive hours at his desk on Monday, Storey had taken up the opportunity to spend his Tuesday doing something he considered important.

Reporters are still-hunting for what exactly that “something” was but the one thing that is clear is that Storey was not quite ready for Tuesday to come to an end.

“I was browsing last.fm this morning and that’s when I found it,” Said Benjamin Shpringer. “At 1:33a.m. I saw that Trevor scrobbled the Lynyrd Skynyrd classic ‘Tuesday’s Gone’. I immediately phoned The Philistine.”

That track, which probably began at approximately 1:00a.m., made it clear that Storey had a rough time last night coping with the loss of, what he’d planned to be, a productive day.

“I’m not sure what this is about but yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day.” Said Billy Smartt author of “How To Tell If You’re Gay, Black, Jewish, Mexican or a Woman in 23 Easy Steps”.

Storey, who was performing surgery at the time, was unavailable for comment.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Who is this Obama guy?

Okay so he’s black. I get that. He may have gotten a job working with the Government in Washington.

But who the fuck does he think he is?

He’s trying to close up Guantanamo. Which is just a prison that spawned a great movie.

And now that he’s on the scene I have no idea where George Bush went.

That dude had a funny ass show on C-SPAN2.

I’m not sure what the deal is.

- Rob & Monty

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Cat Love

The second time I had a sexual encounter with a 2nd party of feline descent was not as fun as the first. His name was Zeus. He had golden fur that was accented by a faint white line down his spine. His eyes, stared deep into mine, as he telepathically told me what to do with my body. I laid down and took off my pants. His front paws were de-clawed so he broke me in with those. I spread my ass cheeks and let him slip his paws into the deep crevices of my ass. It felt warm and furry, I liked it. The second part of our encounter wasn't as fun as the first. He stuck his rear paws into my ass and started scratching around, I felt immense pain but I was aroused.

-Rob


Monday, January 26, 2009

Things I Do Like! (xanax edition)

1. I do like new socks.




2. I do like 1.5 TB hard drives for under 200 dollars.








3. I do like Wild Turkey.





4. I do like Vicodin.





5. I do like Blackberrys.





6. I do like High Definition Audio and Video.





7. I do like Gordo's Burritos (which I really need...badly).





8. I do like ssh.





9. I do like Andres Segovia.





10. I do like skateboards.


Monday, January 12, 2009

Airports are fucking Shamele$$

On a journey that at its conclusion will have taken approximately 16 hours, I am hungry.

I hate eating in fucking airports. Especially after I've been in another country or something that has caused me to miss the food I covet at home.

When my first meal is a BBQ chicken pizza from a CPK express I am usually dissapointed. It is not the kind of transition I like to make back to the land where my meal options are so satisfying.

On this particular trip I have been cut no slack by the restaurants at Atlanta's airport. Upon reviewing my options I came to my last resort. Pizza Hut Express.

At first it didn't seem all that bad. It was not until I sat down to eat my long overdue meal that I was hit with the outrageous realization that I had been ripped off beyond my expectations.



I was met with this fucking piece of pizza which if you can't tell measures about 4" in diameter.

To the right of this pizza is my receipt that tells the story (in numbers) of how I got fucked over.

$6.08 was what this pie cost me along with a medium (which is the smallest size they offer) coke.

Fuck airports. They get you when you're hungry and convinced that you need.

-Monty

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Further Eructations

It is pretty frequent that someone points out how much it smells in the rooms or areas I occupy. I've had bad gas for a long time now, maybe 8 or 10 months. This is not to say I need surgery or anything.

I don't fart constantly, I simply eat something that might contribute to my stomach not feeling so hot and then I get gas.

I don't make new years resolutions because I usually forget them within a week or two. Not to mention why should I make a resolution about changing something only at one time of the year. If I want to fart even more I can always decide that on February 16th or even 17th.

I have yet to realize that it is 2009.

I'm on vacation and when I get home I'm going to be on vacation until 2010.

- Monty

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I present...

The first issue of The Philistine magazine.


Get the full PDF here (It should be clear, but if it is not, click Issue1.pdf, anyone using firefox might have to open in IE or download it if it doesn't work hit me up noob88@gmail.com).

It is clearly a little tardy, forgive me. This is for November 2008.

Please let me know if you want to write an article for any subsequent issues of the magazine or if you have a blog post you feel compelled to include in the magazine.

I am always looking for new articles.

-Monty

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Broken Glass Is Everywhere

When one country, let's say for example Beanland, wants to trade with another country, say Riceland, they both are going to produce whatever they specialize in. Obviously Beanland makes beans and Riceland makes rice.

Clearly Riceland is not going to produce beans. Riceland has a comparative advantage in producing rice which in one hour it can produce 1000lbs of rice. While Beanland has a comparative advantage in producing beans of which they can produce 100lbs in one hour.

Riceland's bean production capacity is not great, it can only produce about 10lbs in one hour. Beanland coincidentally cannot produce rice at a very high rate either, about 100lbs in one hour.

Therefore if both Riceland and Beanland decide to engage in free trade then both will benefit. Riceland can produce all of its rice and more while trading for beans. Beanland can do the same with their beans.

Both nations are better off.

But what if a nation is bad at producing everything?

Usually they can still engage in free trade, their labor is cheaper than that of places like Riceland and Beanland who have a comparative advantage therefore they can sell their goods for less.

The rest of the world benefits from lower prices.

Consequently inexpensive labor usually means higher employment. Which is due to the fact that these places that have little to no skilled labor usually sift out the bad eggs from the good, and there are plenty of unskilled eggs out there who flock to areas like this.

I happen to live in a city that is bad at producing everything.

Eugene, Oregon is a place full of bums (unskilled eggs). These men and women, who lack a warm place to sleep and mostly lack the sanity and/or skills to find a job to acquire an insulated environment for nightly dormant rest, are all over the place.

Most of them are also quite fond of crack.

This puts large holes in their pockets. Most of them meander not really bothering anyone but some see themselves as possessing a skill in taking things to support themselves.

This morning I was on my way to school. When I walked into the garage I noticed something immediately that I thought was odd. There was a pile of broken glass next to my driver's side window.

Then of course I notice that the window was shattered.

The only thing that was taken from my car was my 160gb iPod that I paid $395 for last year and is as of now discontinued.

I also spent something like 9,347 hours putting 18,043 songs on this device.

This included tagging music, converting tons of it from flac and copying to no end.

But the worst thing about this theft was the way in which the intruder attempted to access my car.

Upon closer examination I noticed that around the broken window was three little dents.

It appeared that the thief had missed the window three times before achieving the desired blow that shattered it.

What kind of autistic retard can't land a solid blow when breaking a window that is 37" in width?

This troubled me, because I don't appreciate being robbed, but this person seems to lack the skill needed to break a window without denting the surrounding metal.

Eugene's labor market, even in unlawful removal of electronics from locked motor vehicles, still is worse than all other competing labor markets.

It is my contention that Eugene should outsource for all its criminal elements and resolve at least one aspect of its deteriorating economy.

-Monty


Edit: I'd like to thank Beni for offering his economic insight to help me clean up my logic in this article.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Three Wipe Mice

Struggling to push out the chicken parmigiana I had not but four hours ago, I began to unravel a few sheets of two ply Cottonelle. A minute passes and I began my routine of leaning to the left, applying all the pressure on one side of the porcelain oval. Just as I begin my first wipe I hear a large CRRRRACCCCCK. Thoughts were racing through my mind as to what the sound might have been. I stood to see what damage had been done and to my dismay the seat, had broken. Embarrasment, shame, foolishness, all feelings that made me stare at the car crash that wouldnt allow my eyes elsewhere. How do I tell my roommate? Does this come out of my security deposit? I had no answers for these questions. I finished my buisness and flushed my emotions away. I could only sit back and laugh at what had just occured. At least I had a good story to tell for the next few days, I thought.

Later that day as I was driving to the gym with Danny, I brought up the topic of wiping. At first it was just a story of how I had broken the toilet seat but soon turned into a world I was unaware of. He explained to me that there were more methods to wiping than I knew. Not only were there those who stood to wipe, but those who went between the legs when sitting. I couldn't believe, I wouldn't believe it, alternative methods to wiping? For so long I had trusted the lean and now I was unsure of what to think. Where did the lean get me, I asked myself. It got me a broken toilet seat. Now I was doubting myself, my method, everything. My world was crashing down over such a simple thing. I thought the best thing I could do was teach as many as I could of these three ways to keep your ass clean.

For those unaware of the three methods of wiping, I will give a brief overview of each so that you may make a decision which is best for you. First is this one I have used for as long as I can remember, the sit and lean. To begin, lean to the opposite side of your dominant hand so that there is a clearance space between your ass and the toilet. Reach behind you with your dominant hand and wipe. Bring the paper up back up to see how much wiping is still necessary.

Secondly is the sit and spread. To begin, spread your legs so that there is plenty of space for proper wiping. Reach between your legs and wipe starting at the top of your buttcrack moving towards the genitals. Caution, dont get shit on your junk.

Finally is the stand and bend. To begin, stand up and bend your legs slightly to create proper space between the cheeks. With your dominant hand apply the same technique as method one, going from bottom to the top of the ass crack.

Spread the knowledge, no pun intended.

-Trevor