Return of the Bohunk

Sometime in the early to mid part of February, just before the second half of that month, the former doctor Trevor Todd Storey, shit his pants.

He was walking down the stairs of his two-floor apartment complex when his 250 lb television set, which he had procured from a free auction at Smart(t) Investments™, fell on him.

The injuries he sustained were beyond the scope of his own medical expertise. Diagnosis was secured via telephone by a local veterinarian Mackenzie Thomas.

At the hospital Storey received multiple stitches including some that fastened his eyelids shut. Thomas, who was attempting to perform an autopsy due to the fact that he was under the impression that Storey was a deceased goat, explained that the stitches were merely a precaution.

“He was giving me the stink eye,” Thomas said in an interview outside the San Francisco Zoo. “I couldn’t work under those conditions.”

Despite his accident, Storey has re-invented himself in the last few months. After being sequestered in his two-bedroom Berkeley slum for approximately 456 days straight, he left the room.

By going outdoors, Storey landed a job at a hapless, nearly criminal, San Francisco website.

Storey’s rise to dereliction has been swift and licentious. In light of three long-winded sexual encounters with his homely manager, he was offered a promotion.

The conditions of the escalation in responsibility were that he would not be provided with increased financial incentives for at least 60 days. Those 60 days ended on Monday.

Over the course of a five hour meeting with the arbiters of finance at the company, a deal was made.

“I was given the option of a traditional raise or they said they would pay for my drinks at lunch for the duration of employment,” Storey said at a late night meeting with investors. “I took the sodas of course.”

As The Philistine missed its printing date, Storey was eating a turkey sandwich at The Toaster Oven. The Philistine staff walked by the restaurant gloating. Nonetheless, Storey continued to sip his free Mr. Pibb with delight.

Storey will be talking about his corporate ascension strategy at the Cow Palace this coming Saturday June 19th, from 5:30am-9pm, with special, but as of yet unconfirmed, guest Charlie Ansanelli.

Local Feud Gets Resolved

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- After a fight that broke out over who is better at file sharing, two guys kissed and made up.

The dispute started when local vegetable salesman, Sean Tai, ignited a cigarette while standing next to Philistine contributor, Rock & Roll Rowley I.

Rock & Roll Rowley I (right) moments before he and Sean Tai (left) brawled.

“I didn’t even hear him walk up at first,” Rowley said. “But by the time he started talking it was fuckin’ over.”

The two followed their initial encounter by exchanging empty gestures and casual conversation, until Tai brought up his long overdue need to move from Windows Vista to Windows XP.

“Monty had been saying for months how he would hook me up with some Lenovo recovery discs,” Tai said. “I was at my wit's end.”

The discussion deteriorated rapidly to a debate over who had the best ratios on numerous torrent sites, that the two fighters happened to belong to.

“They’re both faggots,” William Smartt of Smart(t) Investments® said.

It was unclear who threw the first punch, but when the smoke settled it was even less clear as to how the two had resolved their disputation.

Thank heavens it’s over though.

Who Is The Real Trevor Todd Storey?

Local San Francisco Guy Arrives

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- On July 30th Manface arrived. On July 31st at 3:47am Lil' Big broke his ankle during a dog pile organized by Attorney General Lucas Wilson.

During further investigation into the matter it was discovered that Dr. Brian Jacobson, of Eugene, OR, was the last one on the pyramid causing the final blow that snapped Big's fibula.

"Dude I swear to god someone is going to break a bone tonight," Big said to Manface when the two met up at Bryan Lock's manor. "I just know it."

Dr. Jacobson pictured here moments before he landed on the dog pile.

Big was driven to the hospital two and a half hours after Grant Martin diagnosed his injuries.

"It wasn't that we were neglecting to take care of him," Manface said. "It's just that Lucas turned on Point Break and we all got sidetracked."

At 11am on July 31st Big was released from the hospital on crutches. Dr. Jacobson escorted him back to the Wilson's home and they made a recovery together.

"The doctors say I need surgery but insurance will not cover the costs and It'll be about 27 weeks before I can walk again," Big said. "The operation is said to be about $2.5 million, something to do with a Dr. Storey and his excessive retainer."

Grant Martin pictured here with Attorney General Lucas Wilson on their way to the gym.

With 12 albums in the pipeline this is not the most ideal time for Big to be out. He is confident though that William Smartt, of Smartt Investments, will be able to raise enough capital for his surgery.

"If not I can always hit up Jack Herr," Big said. "I owe him about $34,000 for all those times we went to Sweden House, but he's such a push over, you know?"

President Belmont was unavailable to comment, due to the recent purchase of an Xbox 360.

Welcome To Berkeley Community College

It is with great pleasure that we announce The Philistine's own Trevor Todd Storey as the next candidate for the Smartt Investment Little Urban Achiever Scholarship.

Storey, a former MD, has been living in the Berkeley area for the past eight months. His medical license was revoked in a freak situation where Storey attempted to perform his debut stand up comedy routine during brain surgery.

When Dr. Brian Jacobson was made aware of the situation the matter was kicked up to the medical board of Alta Bates Medical Center, where Storey worked.

"We lost that guy that Doc Storey was fuckin around with, but that's not the reason [Storey] was booted," Dr. Jacobson said. "Everyone was so appalled by his comedy routine that nobody on the board felt comfortable keeping him around."

When asked to comment President Belmont refused, but his staff issued this statement on Monday:

"We are happy that Trevor has taken an interest in softball. The president has not yet declared his opinion on the comedy bit but we will expect to hear back from him when he returns from his bike ride next month."

Storey will be featured in this month's issue of the NAACP magazine, as the first white person to receive the aforementioned scholarship.

You can't disconnect unless you...

nevermind.
Get me.

Local Berkeley Guy Bids Farewell to Tuesday

BERKELEY, CA – This morning at precisely 1:33a.m. Trevor Storey said goodbye to Tuesday.

After spending almost eight consecutive hours at his desk on Monday, Storey had taken up the opportunity to spend his Tuesday doing something he considered important.

Reporters are still-hunting for what exactly that “something” was but the one thing that is clear is that Storey was not quite ready for Tuesday to come to an end.

“I was browsing last.fm this morning and that’s when I found it,” Said Benjamin Shpringer. “At 1:33a.m. I saw that Trevor scrobbled the Lynyrd Skynyrd classic ‘Tuesday’s Gone’. I immediately phoned The Philistine.”

That track, which probably began at approximately 1:00a.m., made it clear that Storey had a rough time last night coping with the loss of, what he’d planned to be, a productive day.

“I’m not sure what this is about but yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day.” Said Billy Smartt author of “How To Tell If You’re Gay, Black, Jewish, Mexican or a Woman in 23 Easy Steps”.

Storey, who was performing surgery at the time, was unavailable for comment.

Dude, did you just get jacked?

BOH BOH BOH. Right before bed I go outside to walk off a little energy I had left. The burrito from Pancho Villa was still thick in my stomach. As I'm walking down the street I see a biker being chased by some average Berkeley dude. A few friends are running behind them, laughing. Just as the biker duo is passing me I realize that they aren't just having brofun. Homeboy #1 tackles Homeboy #2 off his bike. GIMME ALL YOUR SHIT the dude says. I'm like, oh shit, and I just keep walking slowly. Homeboy #1 starts kicking him on the ground. Why I didn't stand up and say something, I don't know. What was I supposed to say, HEY, STOP DOING THAT. Some serious awkward attention. So anyways, Homeboy #2 tries to get up but unfortunately his foot is caught in his bike frame. He goes down but eventually breaks. He runs past, and the only thing I can say is, Dude, did you just get jacked? He doesn't say anything, he just runs away wimpering, on the verge of tears. Homeboy #1 picks up the bike and his homeboys skirt with him. Nobody pays attention to me, the mere spectator. I walk around the block and pick up the victim's groceries. Chris was pleased with the free spicy Cheez-Its, white bread, and mayo.