Return of the Bohunk

Sometime in the early to mid part of February, just before the second half of that month, the former doctor Trevor Todd Storey, shit his pants.

He was walking down the stairs of his two-floor apartment complex when his 250 lb television set, which he had procured from a free auction at Smart(t) Investments™, fell on him.

The injuries he sustained were beyond the scope of his own medical expertise. Diagnosis was secured via telephone by a local veterinarian Mackenzie Thomas.

At the hospital Storey received multiple stitches including some that fastened his eyelids shut. Thomas, who was attempting to perform an autopsy due to the fact that he was under the impression that Storey was a deceased goat, explained that the stitches were merely a precaution.

“He was giving me the stink eye,” Thomas said in an interview outside the San Francisco Zoo. “I couldn’t work under those conditions.”

Despite his accident, Storey has re-invented himself in the last few months. After being sequestered in his two-bedroom Berkeley slum for approximately 456 days straight, he left the room.

By going outdoors, Storey landed a job at a hapless, nearly criminal, San Francisco website.

Storey’s rise to dereliction has been swift and licentious. In light of three long-winded sexual encounters with his homely manager, he was offered a promotion.

The conditions of the escalation in responsibility were that he would not be provided with increased financial incentives for at least 60 days. Those 60 days ended on Monday.

Over the course of a five hour meeting with the arbiters of finance at the company, a deal was made.

“I was given the option of a traditional raise or they said they would pay for my drinks at lunch for the duration of employment,” Storey said at a late night meeting with investors. “I took the sodas of course.”

As The Philistine missed its printing date, Storey was eating a turkey sandwich at The Toaster Oven. The Philistine staff walked by the restaurant gloating. Nonetheless, Storey continued to sip his free Mr. Pibb with delight.

Storey will be talking about his corporate ascension strategy at the Cow Palace this coming Saturday June 19th, from 5:30am-9pm, with special, but as of yet unconfirmed, guest Charlie Ansanelli.

The Request

Windowkicker

This is what happened when Kinzer tried to kick my window

Who Is The Real Trevor Todd Storey?

Local San Francisco Guy Arrives

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- On July 30th Manface arrived. On July 31st at 3:47am Lil' Big broke his ankle during a dog pile organized by Attorney General Lucas Wilson.

During further investigation into the matter it was discovered that Dr. Brian Jacobson, of Eugene, OR, was the last one on the pyramid causing the final blow that snapped Big's fibula.

"Dude I swear to god someone is going to break a bone tonight," Big said to Manface when the two met up at Bryan Lock's manor. "I just know it."

Dr. Jacobson pictured here moments before he landed on the dog pile.

Big was driven to the hospital two and a half hours after Grant Martin diagnosed his injuries.

"It wasn't that we were neglecting to take care of him," Manface said. "It's just that Lucas turned on Point Break and we all got sidetracked."

At 11am on July 31st Big was released from the hospital on crutches. Dr. Jacobson escorted him back to the Wilson's home and they made a recovery together.

"The doctors say I need surgery but insurance will not cover the costs and It'll be about 27 weeks before I can walk again," Big said. "The operation is said to be about $2.5 million, something to do with a Dr. Storey and his excessive retainer."

Grant Martin pictured here with Attorney General Lucas Wilson on their way to the gym.

With 12 albums in the pipeline this is not the most ideal time for Big to be out. He is confident though that William Smartt, of Smartt Investments, will be able to raise enough capital for his surgery.

"If not I can always hit up Jack Herr," Big said. "I owe him about $34,000 for all those times we went to Sweden House, but he's such a push over, you know?"

President Belmont was unavailable to comment, due to the recent purchase of an Xbox 360.

Welcome To Berkeley Community College

It is with great pleasure that we announce The Philistine's own Trevor Todd Storey as the next candidate for the Smartt Investment Little Urban Achiever Scholarship.

Storey, a former MD, has been living in the Berkeley area for the past eight months. His medical license was revoked in a freak situation where Storey attempted to perform his debut stand up comedy routine during brain surgery.

When Dr. Brian Jacobson was made aware of the situation the matter was kicked up to the medical board of Alta Bates Medical Center, where Storey worked.

"We lost that guy that Doc Storey was fuckin around with, but that's not the reason [Storey] was booted," Dr. Jacobson said. "Everyone was so appalled by his comedy routine that nobody on the board felt comfortable keeping him around."

When asked to comment President Belmont refused, but his staff issued this statement on Monday:

"We are happy that Trevor has taken an interest in softball. The president has not yet declared his opinion on the comedy bit but we will expect to hear back from him when he returns from his bike ride next month."

Storey will be featured in this month's issue of the NAACP magazine, as the first white person to receive the aforementioned scholarship.

Local Eugene Inmate Violently Brutalized

MADRAS, OR -- Pete, a local Eugene felon and overall good guy, has recently been checked into the intensive care unit at Deer Ridge Correctional.

Pete sustained several injuries during an altercation with her cellmate, Matisse Frazier. Prison staff discovered the two women moments after the conflict had ended.

Pete had been badly beaten due to an argument involving who got to sleep on the single cot that is currently available in their cell.

Prison guards explained that the cot situation at Deer Ridge is a mounting problem, overcrowding has forced certain prisoners to sleep on the ground of their cells.

"I don't give a fuck, you fucking bitch ass motherfuckers, you can all suck my dick, fucking bullshit" Frazier said. "I'm not sleeping on the ground, no way, fuck ass."

Pete could not comment because of severe damage to her jawbone. She was able to scribble this on a pad: "I didn't even give a fuck about the sleeping situation, Matisse took my shiv, I was trying to kill that bitch."

Dr. Storey did correctly diagnose at least one injury that Pete sustained as a bruise:

You can't disconnect unless you...

nevermind.
Get me.

Man Orders "Freedom" Fries in France

by Robert Belmont

ANGERS, FRANCE - Saturday at around 12 p.m. Nicholas Hinman, a 20 year old exchange student from the University of Oregon, ordered what he called "Freedom" fries with his hamburger at a small cafe.

Hinman's order didn't mix well with the French waiter, Jacque Cousteau. Cousteau proceeded to yell at Hinman in French, in words he did not understand.

Bystanders said Hinman pulled a French flag out of his "man-purse," ejaculated on it and rubbed it in the waiters face screaming, "HOLD THE MAYONAISE I HAVE MY OWN." Hinman then proceeded to take off all his clothes, wrap himself in an American flag and run throughout the streets of Angers singing the US national anthem.

The French police are determining whether Hinman's behavior was an act of protest, terrorism, or pleasure. A reward of 10 euros has been put up by the French police for information regarding the whereabouts of Hinman.

Local Berkeley Guy Diagnosed With Lymphoma

BERKELEY, CA -- Local multitask tycoon and toy store employee Dr. Trevor Storey was diagnosed with lymphoma by a colleague at the toy store this afternoon.

The cancer, which is deadly, affects the immune system. Most patients enter chemo immediately if they prefer survival over eminent death.

Dr. Storey told a panel of UC Berkeley medical students on Monday morning that he is opting out of the chemo for the time being.

"I just want to keep my options open," Dr. Storey said. "They really lock you in with that whole process."

Dr. Storey has spent the last eight hours at his computer juggling 38 different tasks. These include fantasy baseball, online poker, world of warcraft, watching SNL on hulu, smoking marijuana, eatind dinner, brushing his teeth, scrabble via facebook with six different people, two different telephone conversations, homework, 19 instant messenger conversations and listening to his iPod amongst other things.

Judging by Dr. Storey's current situation, and ultimately dillemma, The Philistine has placed a wager that he will be dead in 12 days.

The Loss of Identity with Sobriety

As some of you know I am choosing to become sober of alcohol and other substances. This mainly is because of my abuse of them. I am 21 days sober, and it has been very strange to me. I used the word strange, because I don't know what 21 year old's do for fun without alcohol. What I saw as fun was going out and getting drunk with friends towards the end of the week. Now don't get me wrong I loved doing this, and I had some very good times with the bottle, but it was taking my life and putting it in a blender.

What I am feeling now after 21 days without a drink is my loss of social identity. What do I do without drinking? The first weekend back from spring break starts tonight, and the only thing I can think of that doesn't involve drinking is watching a movie. This might be a normal thing for someone who doesn't go out on weekends, but it's the only thing I have resorted to not just at nights, but all day. Being sober has made me realize I have no life, and it's scary. Drinking halted many of my hobbies that I had as a teenager. My hobbies now include drinking from 1pm til 5 am.

I feel healthy which is the most important thing, and all of you guys have been very supportive which makes it a whole lot easier. Having to deal with the constant pressure of people trying to get me to drink, or thinking my sobriety is a joke would have made this a whole lot harder. Thank you.

/press release

-Rahb formerly known as Ricky

Local Berkeley Guy Bids Farewell to Tuesday

BERKELEY, CA – This morning at precisely 1:33a.m. Trevor Storey said goodbye to Tuesday.

After spending almost eight consecutive hours at his desk on Monday, Storey had taken up the opportunity to spend his Tuesday doing something he considered important.

Reporters are still-hunting for what exactly that “something” was but the one thing that is clear is that Storey was not quite ready for Tuesday to come to an end.

“I was browsing last.fm this morning and that’s when I found it,” Said Benjamin Shpringer. “At 1:33a.m. I saw that Trevor scrobbled the Lynyrd Skynyrd classic ‘Tuesday’s Gone’. I immediately phoned The Philistine.”

That track, which probably began at approximately 1:00a.m., made it clear that Storey had a rough time last night coping with the loss of, what he’d planned to be, a productive day.

“I’m not sure what this is about but yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day.” Said Billy Smartt author of “How To Tell If You’re Gay, Black, Jewish, Mexican or a Woman in 23 Easy Steps”.

Storey, who was performing surgery at the time, was unavailable for comment.

Cloning Neanderthals

In my biology class yesterday we had a guest speaker, who was pretty much uninformative besides a question he brought up, "Should we clone a Neanderthal?" He showed us an article that had to do with a study where scientists have determined we have enough technology to clone a Neanderthal. This includes the recent completion of the human genome, stem cell research that President Obama has pushed for, and the breakthrough with Dolly the sheep.

The guest speaker asked the class whether or not we should go through with this, and I was really unimpressed with the answers most students responded with. One girl said that we shouldn't clone a Neanderthal because he would be overwhelmed with society and technology, etc. I almost screamed at her, "THIS IS NOT ENCINO MAN MORON". Cloning doesn't pop out a fully grown human like in the movie Multiplicity you idiot. This was funny to me because we spent two or three lectures studying how twins, and or clones are genetically the same, but societal influences can change their political views, their accent, their interests, etc. Another girl said it would be a complete waste of money, because previous human cloning has proven to be a money sink. Tax dollars to chase the dream of cloning a human might not seem right to most tax payers. Many failed experiments have failed after the 4 cell and 6 cell stages of the cloning process.

Now, I don't have to refute the first girl's opinion, because she, well, is basically just a retard. The second girls opinion was true in some cases, but most cloning experiments are privately funded by advocates in the science world. If Mr. Moneybank wants to contribute one billion dollars of his own money to cloning, I say go right ahead. The advances in therapeutic cloning of human body parts could cure heart disease, certain forms of cancer, be used to replace limbs of amputees, and so much more.

Cloning a Neanderthal could tell us so much about who we are today, and who we will be in the future. Neanderthals had larger brain capacities than humans today, but we have no idea why. Having a live Neanderthal to perform cat scans on would open up so many doors in the field of science. Neanderthals also had different voice boxes, raising one in a human family would finally solve the question of Nature vs. Nurture. Answering if being raised around modern language could conquer a less developed part of the body, supporting Darwin's theory. Also we could see how the current human race will do in the future. If this Neanderthal clone dies from his organs not able to adapt to our current climate, we will need to really concentrate on saving our planet from Global Warming.

-RAHB

/serious post

Pop Culture References

Multiplicity - Michael Keaton stars in a Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Comedy where he never has enough time for the things he wants to do is offered the opportunity to have himself cloned.

Encino Man: When they find a frozen caveman (Brendan Fraser) in their backyard, two high school outcasts thaw him out and introduce him to modern day life while he in turn, gets them to actually enjoy life

Trevor Storey loses interest in his job, decides not to post about it

BERKELEY, CA -- A local toy store employee found himself startled today by a realization that he no longer has any interest in working.

"I just couldn't take it." Trevor Todd Storey confirmed after spending three straight hours on the toilet this morning, attempting to make a bowel movement.

After a brief altercation with a co-worker, Storey offered his apology. The other employee opened fire on Storey hitting him in the neck, arm and leg.

The employee has vacated the city and is suspected to be on his way to another toy store in Sausalito to apply for a job.

Local merchants on the block were unperturbed by the gunshots.

"We don't give a fuck." Charlie Wong, a local baron and liquor store owner, said.

Storey declined that he had been constipated this morning. He is currently in critical condition in the bathroom.

Who is this Obama guy?

Okay so he’s black. I get that. He may have gotten a job working with the Government in Washington.

But who the fuck does he think he is?

He’s trying to close up Guantanamo. Which is just a prison that spawned a great movie.

And now that he’s on the scene I have no idea where George Bush went.

That dude had a funny ass show on C-SPAN2.

I’m not sure what the deal is.

- Rob & Monty

Airports are fucking Shamele$$

On a journey that at its conclusion will have taken approximately 16 hours, I am hungry.

I hate eating in fucking airports. Especially after I've been in another country or something that has caused me to miss the food I covet at home.

When my first meal is a BBQ chicken pizza from a CPK express I am usually dissapointed. It is not the kind of transition I like to make back to the land where my meal options are so satisfying.

On this particular trip I have been cut no slack by the restaurants at Atlanta's airport. Upon reviewing my options I came to my last resort. Pizza Hut Express.

At first it didn't seem all that bad. It was not until I sat down to eat my long overdue meal that I was hit with the outrageous realization that I had been ripped off beyond my expectations.



I was met with this fucking piece of pizza which if you can't tell measures about 4" in diameter.

To the right of this pizza is my receipt that tells the story (in numbers) of how I got fucked over.

$6.08 was what this pie cost me along with a medium (which is the smallest size they offer) coke.

Fuck airports. They get you when you're hungry and convinced that you need.

-Monty

Further Eructations

It is pretty frequent that someone points out how much it smells in the rooms or areas I occupy. I've had bad gas for a long time now, maybe 8 or 10 months. This is not to say I need surgery or anything.

I don't fart constantly, I simply eat something that might contribute to my stomach not feeling so hot and then I get gas.

I don't make new years resolutions because I usually forget them within a week or two. Not to mention why should I make a resolution about changing something only at one time of the year. If I want to fart even more I can always decide that on February 16th or even 17th.

I have yet to realize that it is 2009.

I'm on vacation and when I get home I'm going to be on vacation until 2010.

- Monty

I ran once over the last four months

People always come up to me asking me what they should do with their time. I often say you should find the time to think about what you might do with your time if you had any.

None of us really have any time. Trevor Storey is a textbook example of how little time most of us do not have. He's constantly busy.

The promotion of Elmo Live has actually been giving Trevor a few gray hairs.

I have been especially not busy this past few months. Between watching TV and going to the bathroom I find myself at a loss for anything quite as productive to occupy myself with.

Customizing my Bookmarks Toolbar in Firefox has given me cause to restructure my weekly schedule. It almost pushed my meeting with president-elect Robert Belmont back a few days but luckily I completed my conception early enough to make my flight.

The meeting went well. Until he asked me what he should do with all this time his secretary had freed up for him to theoretically relax for the next week.

"Run," I said.

The misinterpretation had become clear to me as the word rolled off my tongue.

Robert took the comment as a stab at him. He thought I meant that he should run for office, as if I had not found out that he had secured the presidential nomination already. I believe he also took it as a stab at his recent escape attempt from custody where he supposedly regurgitated on a police officer and tried to blind a man with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray.

The Wall Street Journal pointed out that Robert would have had a better chance of escaping the unlocked cop car if he had just gotten out and run away rather than walking over to the group of police men and attempting what he had.

I am not one to explain my words, I don't feel they should be questioned. Unfortunately that meant our lunch ended there.

Which brings me to the fact that I clearly lack the insight as to how one should spend their time wisely.

So please stop asking.

-Monty

Broken Glass Is Everywhere

When one country, let's say for example Beanland, wants to trade with another country, say Riceland, they both are going to produce whatever they specialize in. Obviously Beanland makes beans and Riceland makes rice.

Clearly Riceland is not going to produce beans. Riceland has a comparative advantage in producing rice which in one hour it can produce 1000lbs of rice. While Beanland has a comparative advantage in producing beans of which they can produce 100lbs in one hour.

Riceland's bean production capacity is not great, it can only produce about 10lbs in one hour. Beanland coincidentally cannot produce rice at a very high rate either, about 100lbs in one hour.

Therefore if both Riceland and Beanland decide to engage in free trade then both will benefit. Riceland can produce all of its rice and more while trading for beans. Beanland can do the same with their beans.

Both nations are better off.

But what if a nation is bad at producing everything?

Usually they can still engage in free trade, their labor is cheaper than that of places like Riceland and Beanland who have a comparative advantage therefore they can sell their goods for less.

The rest of the world benefits from lower prices.

Consequently inexpensive labor usually means higher employment. Which is due to the fact that these places that have little to no skilled labor usually sift out the bad eggs from the good, and there are plenty of unskilled eggs out there who flock to areas like this.

I happen to live in a city that is bad at producing everything.

Eugene, Oregon is a place full of bums (unskilled eggs). These men and women, who lack a warm place to sleep and mostly lack the sanity and/or skills to find a job to acquire an insulated environment for nightly dormant rest, are all over the place.

Most of them are also quite fond of crack.

This puts large holes in their pockets. Most of them meander not really bothering anyone but some see themselves as possessing a skill in taking things to support themselves.

This morning I was on my way to school. When I walked into the garage I noticed something immediately that I thought was odd. There was a pile of broken glass next to my driver's side window.

Then of course I notice that the window was shattered.

The only thing that was taken from my car was my 160gb iPod that I paid $395 for last year and is as of now discontinued.

I also spent something like 9,347 hours putting 18,043 songs on this device.

This included tagging music, converting tons of it from flac and copying to no end.

But the worst thing about this theft was the way in which the intruder attempted to access my car.

Upon closer examination I noticed that around the broken window was three little dents.

It appeared that the thief had missed the window three times before achieving the desired blow that shattered it.

What kind of autistic retard can't land a solid blow when breaking a window that is 37" in width?

This troubled me, because I don't appreciate being robbed, but this person seems to lack the skill needed to break a window without denting the surrounding metal.

Eugene's labor market, even in unlawful removal of electronics from locked motor vehicles, still is worse than all other competing labor markets.

It is my contention that Eugene should outsource for all its criminal elements and resolve at least one aspect of its deteriorating economy.

-Monty


Edit: I'd like to thank Beni for offering his economic insight to help me clean up my logic in this article.

I don't like breakfast anymore

Dave and Mike's used to be a place I went to most weekends.

We'd often travel there by means of bike or foot prior to acquiring driver's licenses. I remember a specific day we walked down there from Billy's house.

These days though I am finding more and more that I do not feel very good after I eat breakfast.

Even when it's just cereal or something. I feel tired and drained rather than optimistic about my day.

This doesn't suggest by any stretch that I am talking shit on breakfast. It still in theory is a wonderful meal.

I will now offer a list of my favorite places for breakfast, places I would still go to even though I have changed my mind about breakfast.

Dave and Mike's
There is no question about it. This is the original spot. Where going to breakfast began and hopefully where it might some day continue.


Crepevine
The newest spot I've discovered for breakfast, they've got two locations that I know of. One in San Rafael and one on Fillmore.

Swinger's
Hands down the best pancakes I've ever had. Banana that is, if you get something else you're just a fruit. Only problem is this place is in Santa Monica. Bullshit.

-Monty