The Interview

Predictably, Christmas time came to an odd close. The wrapping up of 2010 was phenomenally unemotional. Which is, partially, why The Philistine felt compelled to cover this extraordinary exchange between political scientist, and cigarette activist, Kyle Sirell and actual scientist Dr. Brian Jacobson.

Local Feud Gets Resolved

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- After a fight that broke out over who is better at file sharing, two guys kissed and made up.

The dispute started when local vegetable salesman, Sean Tai, ignited a cigarette while standing next to Philistine contributor, Rock & Roll Rowley I.

Rock & Roll Rowley I (right) moments before he and Sean Tai (left) brawled.

“I didn’t even hear him walk up at first,” Rowley said. “But by the time he started talking it was fuckin’ over.”

The two followed their initial encounter by exchanging empty gestures and casual conversation, until Tai brought up his long overdue need to move from Windows Vista to Windows XP.

“Monty had been saying for months how he would hook me up with some Lenovo recovery discs,” Tai said. “I was at my wit's end.”

The discussion deteriorated rapidly to a debate over who had the best ratios on numerous torrent sites, that the two fighters happened to belong to.

“They’re both faggots,” William Smartt of Smart(t) Investments® said.

It was unclear who threw the first punch, but when the smoke settled it was even less clear as to how the two had resolved their disputation.

Thank heavens it’s over though.

Windowkicker

This is what happened when Kinzer tried to kick my window

Local San Francisco Guy Arrives

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- On July 30th Manface arrived. On July 31st at 3:47am Lil' Big broke his ankle during a dog pile organized by Attorney General Lucas Wilson.

During further investigation into the matter it was discovered that Dr. Brian Jacobson, of Eugene, OR, was the last one on the pyramid causing the final blow that snapped Big's fibula.

"Dude I swear to god someone is going to break a bone tonight," Big said to Manface when the two met up at Bryan Lock's manor. "I just know it."

Dr. Jacobson pictured here moments before he landed on the dog pile.

Big was driven to the hospital two and a half hours after Grant Martin diagnosed his injuries.

"It wasn't that we were neglecting to take care of him," Manface said. "It's just that Lucas turned on Point Break and we all got sidetracked."

At 11am on July 31st Big was released from the hospital on crutches. Dr. Jacobson escorted him back to the Wilson's home and they made a recovery together.

"The doctors say I need surgery but insurance will not cover the costs and It'll be about 27 weeks before I can walk again," Big said. "The operation is said to be about $2.5 million, something to do with a Dr. Storey and his excessive retainer."

Grant Martin pictured here with Attorney General Lucas Wilson on their way to the gym.

With 12 albums in the pipeline this is not the most ideal time for Big to be out. He is confident though that William Smartt, of Smartt Investments, will be able to raise enough capital for his surgery.

"If not I can always hit up Jack Herr," Big said. "I owe him about $34,000 for all those times we went to Sweden House, but he's such a push over, you know?"

President Belmont was unavailable to comment, due to the recent purchase of an Xbox 360.

Local Eugene Inmate Violently Brutalized

MADRAS, OR -- Pete, a local Eugene felon and overall good guy, has recently been checked into the intensive care unit at Deer Ridge Correctional.

Pete sustained several injuries during an altercation with her cellmate, Matisse Frazier. Prison staff discovered the two women moments after the conflict had ended.

Pete had been badly beaten due to an argument involving who got to sleep on the single cot that is currently available in their cell.

Prison guards explained that the cot situation at Deer Ridge is a mounting problem, overcrowding has forced certain prisoners to sleep on the ground of their cells.

"I don't give a fuck, you fucking bitch ass motherfuckers, you can all suck my dick, fucking bullshit" Frazier said. "I'm not sleeping on the ground, no way, fuck ass."

Pete could not comment because of severe damage to her jawbone. She was able to scribble this on a pad: "I didn't even give a fuck about the sleeping situation, Matisse took my shiv, I was trying to kill that bitch."

Dr. Storey did correctly diagnose at least one injury that Pete sustained as a bruise:

MF Doom - Born Like This

Born Like this is MF Doom's newest album released in March of this year. Born like this was a title chosen based on the poem by Charles Bukowski called Dinosauria, We. Doom uses a sample of Bukowski reciting this poem in the 10th track on the album titled Cellz. This new release from Doom is very similar to his old albums, where he uses samples from the Fantastic Four's enemy Dr. Doom. Some highlight tracks I enjoyed were: Ballskin, Cellz, Rap Ambush, and Lightworks. My favorite track off the album, however, is That's That, it shows a somber side of Doom which I had never heardbefore.






Tracklist:

01. Supervillain Intro
02. Gazillion Ear
03. Ballskin
04. Yessir [ft. Raekwon]
05. Absolutely
06. Rap Ambush
07. Lightworks
08. Batty-Boys
09. Angelz [ft. Tony Starks]
09. Cellz
10. Still Dope [ft. Empress Sharhh]
11. Microwave Mayo
12. More Rhymin' [ft. Kurious]
13. That's That
14. Suppervillainz
15. Bump's Message
16. Thank Ya

Link to Charles Bukowski's poem : http://rasml.org/dinosauria-we/

-RAHB

Man Orders "Freedom" Fries in France

by Robert Belmont

ANGERS, FRANCE - Saturday at around 12 p.m. Nicholas Hinman, a 20 year old exchange student from the University of Oregon, ordered what he called "Freedom" fries with his hamburger at a small cafe.

Hinman's order didn't mix well with the French waiter, Jacque Cousteau. Cousteau proceeded to yell at Hinman in French, in words he did not understand.

Bystanders said Hinman pulled a French flag out of his "man-purse," ejaculated on it and rubbed it in the waiters face screaming, "HOLD THE MAYONAISE I HAVE MY OWN." Hinman then proceeded to take off all his clothes, wrap himself in an American flag and run throughout the streets of Angers singing the US national anthem.

The French police are determining whether Hinman's behavior was an act of protest, terrorism, or pleasure. A reward of 10 euros has been put up by the French police for information regarding the whereabouts of Hinman.

The Loss of Identity with Sobriety

As some of you know I am choosing to become sober of alcohol and other substances. This mainly is because of my abuse of them. I am 21 days sober, and it has been very strange to me. I used the word strange, because I don't know what 21 year old's do for fun without alcohol. What I saw as fun was going out and getting drunk with friends towards the end of the week. Now don't get me wrong I loved doing this, and I had some very good times with the bottle, but it was taking my life and putting it in a blender.

What I am feeling now after 21 days without a drink is my loss of social identity. What do I do without drinking? The first weekend back from spring break starts tonight, and the only thing I can think of that doesn't involve drinking is watching a movie. This might be a normal thing for someone who doesn't go out on weekends, but it's the only thing I have resorted to not just at nights, but all day. Being sober has made me realize I have no life, and it's scary. Drinking halted many of my hobbies that I had as a teenager. My hobbies now include drinking from 1pm til 5 am.

I feel healthy which is the most important thing, and all of you guys have been very supportive which makes it a whole lot easier. Having to deal with the constant pressure of people trying to get me to drink, or thinking my sobriety is a joke would have made this a whole lot harder. Thank you.

/press release

-Rahb formerly known as Ricky

You can come to class whenever

It doesn't matter.

Get me.

Local Berkeley Guy Turns 21 Leaving No One Surprised

BERKELEY, CA -- Residents of Berkeley and friends of Trevor Todd Storey were not surprised that on February 26th, 2009 Storey turned 21.

"It happened on the same date that his birthday went down on last year." Said Chris Cohan who was there for the unimpressive conclusion to Storey's 21st year.

Storey, a laid back guy, decided to wait until the afternoon of the 26th to purchase alcohol. After not being carded by the Seven Eleven clerk, Storey felt useless.

"It was bonkers." Storey said.

The apartment where Storey resides was littered with gifts that would at first appear to be for a seven year old.

Upon further investigation Storey determined that they were in fact meant for him. Baffled, he decided to go to bed.

The Philistine would like to officially announce that Storey's birthday ended last night at 11:59 p.m. and that he did not hire any outside help for sex at any point after that time.

Cloning Neanderthals

In my biology class yesterday we had a guest speaker, who was pretty much uninformative besides a question he brought up, "Should we clone a Neanderthal?" He showed us an article that had to do with a study where scientists have determined we have enough technology to clone a Neanderthal. This includes the recent completion of the human genome, stem cell research that President Obama has pushed for, and the breakthrough with Dolly the sheep.

The guest speaker asked the class whether or not we should go through with this, and I was really unimpressed with the answers most students responded with. One girl said that we shouldn't clone a Neanderthal because he would be overwhelmed with society and technology, etc. I almost screamed at her, "THIS IS NOT ENCINO MAN MORON". Cloning doesn't pop out a fully grown human like in the movie Multiplicity you idiot. This was funny to me because we spent two or three lectures studying how twins, and or clones are genetically the same, but societal influences can change their political views, their accent, their interests, etc. Another girl said it would be a complete waste of money, because previous human cloning has proven to be a money sink. Tax dollars to chase the dream of cloning a human might not seem right to most tax payers. Many failed experiments have failed after the 4 cell and 6 cell stages of the cloning process.

Now, I don't have to refute the first girl's opinion, because she, well, is basically just a retard. The second girls opinion was true in some cases, but most cloning experiments are privately funded by advocates in the science world. If Mr. Moneybank wants to contribute one billion dollars of his own money to cloning, I say go right ahead. The advances in therapeutic cloning of human body parts could cure heart disease, certain forms of cancer, be used to replace limbs of amputees, and so much more.

Cloning a Neanderthal could tell us so much about who we are today, and who we will be in the future. Neanderthals had larger brain capacities than humans today, but we have no idea why. Having a live Neanderthal to perform cat scans on would open up so many doors in the field of science. Neanderthals also had different voice boxes, raising one in a human family would finally solve the question of Nature vs. Nurture. Answering if being raised around modern language could conquer a less developed part of the body, supporting Darwin's theory. Also we could see how the current human race will do in the future. If this Neanderthal clone dies from his organs not able to adapt to our current climate, we will need to really concentrate on saving our planet from Global Warming.

-RAHB

/serious post

Pop Culture References

Multiplicity - Michael Keaton stars in a Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Comedy where he never has enough time for the things he wants to do is offered the opportunity to have himself cloned.

Encino Man: When they find a frozen caveman (Brendan Fraser) in their backyard, two high school outcasts thaw him out and introduce him to modern day life while he in turn, gets them to actually enjoy life

An open e-mail from Billy Smartt Fwd: Today! African American Leadership Symposium

Below is an e-mail forwarded to me by Billy Smartt.

The subject as you can see is about African American leadership or some garbage.

The ridiculous thing about this shit, is how blatantly racist it is. Like imagine if that e-mail's subject was "Today! White American Leadership Symposium"

I saw a sign that advertised the "Black Student Union" at COM, and I immediately thought "is it cool if I just throw up a sign that says 'White Student Union'?"

I mean what the fuck.

I think I might do it.

The e-mail:
Thought you might be interested...

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: "USFconnect Message" <pleasedonotreply@usfca.edu>
Date: February 18, 2009 11:51:39 AM PST
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: Today! African American Leadership Symposium

Today is the second day of the Magis Leadership Symposium: African American Perspectives. Please join University Life and Athletics for this vibrant discussion about leadership.

During Black History Month and Homecoming Week, this symposium uniquely combines education, leadership and athletics from an African American perspective. This event brings together members of the Bay area black community, USF African American alumni, and current students, faculty and staff to discuss pathways to education and tools for academic success.

- Monty

The Many Steps of Life (A Photographic Journey)

As a young boy, I was full of excitement. The hot bodies of my close friends had me giddy with excitement for weeks in advance. I remember an August when my friend Dwight was having his body rubbed in hot oil at a playground in Santa Cruz. The playground was an abandoned prison with points to stop and hold each other's hand. After the playground excursion we stayed at his beach house and watched movies like "The Notebook" and "Love Actually". We were spoiled. His Santa Cruz house had a whale watching 3rd floor with a telescope in the shape of a penis. I have never been as excited since then.



As a young adult, I went to Europe for a month, backpacking through foreign countries with no expectations. I wouldn't say I had excitement, I would say I had hesitation. I slept with a lama the night before I left for this life changing trip, and had an infection by the time we arrived in France. I did some self operation and cured it, only later to twist my wrist in Barcelona, Spain while fisting a dog.


The day I arrived at college we bought three thirty packs of budweiser, and a bottle of K-Y jelly for me. The police showed up at the party we were at and gave minor in posesstions to everyone with a beer in their hand. I casually jerked my dick outside of the party on a couch and the police didn't ask me any questions.

Is Anybody Listening?

I stand by the microphone
listening to it like a phone
my shit is like an R2D2 drone;

Your space is too laced
with hydrogen OH MY GOD a nucleotide based
Fuck your face
I want to discredit you
and fill it with mace

I'm so out of tune
I should be like a hippy on shrooms
but when the flowers bloom
you could get it and not leave so soon

I must be on that Ricky shit
but im rhyming like a protruded clit
when it comes to the basics I remember how to spit
But leave the moaning to the girlys don't forget

Reverting back to the old times
Never meant so much as a corona and lime
I spend the hot days of summer
lounging on a unsolved crime

Im gonna end this matter
because I'm so not polite to serve it on a platter
You're oh so not ready to get up and gather
so please don't leave and let your brain splatter

Trevor Storey loses interest in his job, decides not to post about it

BERKELEY, CA -- A local toy store employee found himself startled today by a realization that he no longer has any interest in working.

"I just couldn't take it." Trevor Todd Storey confirmed after spending three straight hours on the toilet this morning, attempting to make a bowel movement.

After a brief altercation with a co-worker, Storey offered his apology. The other employee opened fire on Storey hitting him in the neck, arm and leg.

The employee has vacated the city and is suspected to be on his way to another toy store in Sausalito to apply for a job.

Local merchants on the block were unperturbed by the gunshots.

"We don't give a fuck." Charlie Wong, a local baron and liquor store owner, said.

Storey declined that he had been constipated this morning. He is currently in critical condition in the bathroom.

Steel Reserve

This is an ode to the most potent of malt beers. I drink you and you get me drunk! I forget about your counterpart and drink you at 3am. I know it's sad but you get me whenever I feel like I need you. Your potency gets me every time.

New Wave/Pop Punk

As I navigated best buy's country section I stumbled upon this little gem that seemed to have been misplaced:



It's actually pretty mediocre but I thought I'd share with all of you.

Here's the pitchfork review

Track List:

01 Overboard (7:18)
02 San Francisco Sandwich [Feat. R-O-B] (3:36)
03 Chad Made Me Sad (2:54)
04 Jerry Springer (Skit) (0:34)
05 Until The End Of Time (1:03)
06 If I Would (You Probably Would Too) [Feat. Architect Nic] (5:39)
07 Awkward Elavator (4:19)
08 Misunderstood (9:12)
09 Doing It For My Dude (1:35)
10 Verse Chorus Verse (3:40)
11 Misunderstood [Reprise] (18:23)
12 Awkward Elevator [Remix][Feat. Steven Spielberg] (6:15)

Airports are fucking Shamele$$

On a journey that at its conclusion will have taken approximately 16 hours, I am hungry.

I hate eating in fucking airports. Especially after I've been in another country or something that has caused me to miss the food I covet at home.

When my first meal is a BBQ chicken pizza from a CPK express I am usually dissapointed. It is not the kind of transition I like to make back to the land where my meal options are so satisfying.

On this particular trip I have been cut no slack by the restaurants at Atlanta's airport. Upon reviewing my options I came to my last resort. Pizza Hut Express.

At first it didn't seem all that bad. It was not until I sat down to eat my long overdue meal that I was hit with the outrageous realization that I had been ripped off beyond my expectations.



I was met with this fucking piece of pizza which if you can't tell measures about 4" in diameter.

To the right of this pizza is my receipt that tells the story (in numbers) of how I got fucked over.

$6.08 was what this pie cost me along with a medium (which is the smallest size they offer) coke.

Fuck airports. They get you when you're hungry and convinced that you need.

-Monty

I ran once over the last four months

People always come up to me asking me what they should do with their time. I often say you should find the time to think about what you might do with your time if you had any.

None of us really have any time. Trevor Storey is a textbook example of how little time most of us do not have. He's constantly busy.

The promotion of Elmo Live has actually been giving Trevor a few gray hairs.

I have been especially not busy this past few months. Between watching TV and going to the bathroom I find myself at a loss for anything quite as productive to occupy myself with.

Customizing my Bookmarks Toolbar in Firefox has given me cause to restructure my weekly schedule. It almost pushed my meeting with president-elect Robert Belmont back a few days but luckily I completed my conception early enough to make my flight.

The meeting went well. Until he asked me what he should do with all this time his secretary had freed up for him to theoretically relax for the next week.

"Run," I said.

The misinterpretation had become clear to me as the word rolled off my tongue.

Robert took the comment as a stab at him. He thought I meant that he should run for office, as if I had not found out that he had secured the presidential nomination already. I believe he also took it as a stab at his recent escape attempt from custody where he supposedly regurgitated on a police officer and tried to blind a man with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray.

The Wall Street Journal pointed out that Robert would have had a better chance of escaping the unlocked cop car if he had just gotten out and run away rather than walking over to the group of police men and attempting what he had.

I am not one to explain my words, I don't feel they should be questioned. Unfortunately that meant our lunch ended there.

Which brings me to the fact that I clearly lack the insight as to how one should spend their time wisely.

So please stop asking.

-Monty

I present...

The first issue of The Philistine magazine.


Get the full PDF here (It should be clear, but if it is not, click Issue1.pdf, anyone using firefox might have to open in IE or download it if it doesn't work hit me up noob88@gmail.com).

It is clearly a little tardy, forgive me. This is for November 2008.

Please let me know if you want to write an article for any subsequent issues of the magazine or if you have a blog post you feel compelled to include in the magazine.

I am always looking for new articles.

-Monty