Tighty Whities Have Never Been So Emasculating

Man Orders "Freedom" Fries in France

by Robert Belmont

ANGERS, FRANCE - Saturday at around 12 p.m. Nicholas Hinman, a 20 year old exchange student from the University of Oregon, ordered what he called "Freedom" fries with his hamburger at a small cafe.

Hinman's order didn't mix well with the French waiter, Jacque Cousteau. Cousteau proceeded to yell at Hinman in French, in words he did not understand.

Bystanders said Hinman pulled a French flag out of his "man-purse," ejaculated on it and rubbed it in the waiters face screaming, "HOLD THE MAYONAISE I HAVE MY OWN." Hinman then proceeded to take off all his clothes, wrap himself in an American flag and run throughout the streets of Angers singing the US national anthem.

The French police are determining whether Hinman's behavior was an act of protest, terrorism, or pleasure. A reward of 10 euros has been put up by the French police for information regarding the whereabouts of Hinman.

Introducing...The Jello Pack!

Have you ever wanted to eat Jello on the go, but can never remember to pack enough to satisfy your Jello needs? Well, the thinktanks over at R-O-B Enterprises have just the product for you! The Jello Pack©!

Features:

-Refrigerated, 44 ounce Jello reservoir
-12 pockets
-Padded straps
-A/C adapter
-Speakers and headphone jack

Included with Jello Pack:

-100 assorted colored straws
-2 Crazy Jello Straws©
-Authentic Jello baseball cap
-A/C cord
-4 D batteries
-64 packs of assorted flavor Jello©

All for only 6 easy payments of $24.99


Copyright R-O-B Enterprises 2009

Is Anybody Listening?

I stand by the microphone
listening to it like a phone
my shit is like an R2D2 drone;

Your space is too laced
with hydrogen OH MY GOD a nucleotide based
Fuck your face
I want to discredit you
and fill it with mace

I'm so out of tune
I should be like a hippy on shrooms
but when the flowers bloom
you could get it and not leave so soon

I must be on that Ricky shit
but im rhyming like a protruded clit
when it comes to the basics I remember how to spit
But leave the moaning to the girlys don't forget

Reverting back to the old times
Never meant so much as a corona and lime
I spend the hot days of summer
lounging on a unsolved crime

Im gonna end this matter
because I'm so not polite to serve it on a platter
You're oh so not ready to get up and gather
so please don't leave and let your brain splatter

Steel Reserve

This is an ode to the most potent of malt beers. I drink you and you get me drunk! I forget about your counterpart and drink you at 3am. I know it's sad but you get me whenever I feel like I need you. Your potency gets me every time.

Cat Love

The second time I had a sexual encounter with a 2nd party of feline descent was not as fun as the first. His name was Zeus. He had golden fur that was accented by a faint white line down his spine. His eyes, stared deep into mine, as he telepathically told me what to do with my body. I laid down and took off my pants. His front paws were de-clawed so he broke me in with those. I spread my ass cheeks and let him slip his paws into the deep crevices of my ass. It felt warm and furry, I liked it. The second part of our encounter wasn't as fun as the first. He stuck his rear paws into my ass and started scratching around, I felt immense pain but I was aroused.

-Rob

Things I Do Like! (xanax edition)

1. I do like new socks.




2. I do like 1.5 TB hard drives for under 200 dollars.








3. I do like Wild Turkey.





4. I do like Vicodin.





5. I do like Blackberrys.





6. I do like High Definition Audio and Video.





7. I do like Gordo's Burritos (which I really need...badly).





8. I do like ssh.





9. I do like Andres Segovia.





10. I do like skateboards.

Airports are fucking Shamele$$

On a journey that at its conclusion will have taken approximately 16 hours, I am hungry.

I hate eating in fucking airports. Especially after I've been in another country or something that has caused me to miss the food I covet at home.

When my first meal is a BBQ chicken pizza from a CPK express I am usually dissapointed. It is not the kind of transition I like to make back to the land where my meal options are so satisfying.

On this particular trip I have been cut no slack by the restaurants at Atlanta's airport. Upon reviewing my options I came to my last resort. Pizza Hut Express.

At first it didn't seem all that bad. It was not until I sat down to eat my long overdue meal that I was hit with the outrageous realization that I had been ripped off beyond my expectations.



I was met with this fucking piece of pizza which if you can't tell measures about 4" in diameter.

To the right of this pizza is my receipt that tells the story (in numbers) of how I got fucked over.

$6.08 was what this pie cost me along with a medium (which is the smallest size they offer) coke.

Fuck airports. They get you when you're hungry and convinced that you need.

-Monty

Further Eructations

It is pretty frequent that someone points out how much it smells in the rooms or areas I occupy. I've had bad gas for a long time now, maybe 8 or 10 months. This is not to say I need surgery or anything.

I don't fart constantly, I simply eat something that might contribute to my stomach not feeling so hot and then I get gas.

I don't make new years resolutions because I usually forget them within a week or two. Not to mention why should I make a resolution about changing something only at one time of the year. If I want to fart even more I can always decide that on February 16th or even 17th.

I have yet to realize that it is 2009.

I'm on vacation and when I get home I'm going to be on vacation until 2010.

- Monty

I don't like breakfast anymore

Dave and Mike's used to be a place I went to most weekends.

We'd often travel there by means of bike or foot prior to acquiring driver's licenses. I remember a specific day we walked down there from Billy's house.

These days though I am finding more and more that I do not feel very good after I eat breakfast.

Even when it's just cereal or something. I feel tired and drained rather than optimistic about my day.

This doesn't suggest by any stretch that I am talking shit on breakfast. It still in theory is a wonderful meal.

I will now offer a list of my favorite places for breakfast, places I would still go to even though I have changed my mind about breakfast.

Dave and Mike's
There is no question about it. This is the original spot. Where going to breakfast began and hopefully where it might some day continue.


Crepevine
The newest spot I've discovered for breakfast, they've got two locations that I know of. One in San Rafael and one on Fillmore.

Swinger's
Hands down the best pancakes I've ever had. Banana that is, if you get something else you're just a fruit. Only problem is this place is in Santa Monica. Bullshit.

-Monty

Where have all the good Burritos gone?

It's no wonder that so many of us have found ourselves hungry these days.

Luckily there is a solution. One that I've found resolution with many times.

So if you live in Albany, Berkeley, San Francisco or close by, you should come on down to Gordo Taqueria.



One time we saw what's his face there. Fuckin...the guy in Patch Adams.

-Monty