Thomas in Talks to Train with Thomas

Rock and Roll Rowley (left) and Mackenzie Thomas (right)

TIBURON, CA – In a move that has caused sports fans all across the bay area to question their hearing, Rock and Roll Rowley I has entered the running to train alongside famed Tiburon Peninsula Little League all-star Mackenzie Thomas.

After throwing out his arm during practice for the semi-finals, Rowley unequivocally called it quits.

"I was finished," Rowley said during an e-mail interview with local cretin Trevor Todd Storey. "I just couldn't throw another baseball."

The move came at a critical time for the team. Things had been looking bleak towards the end of the summer season as fellow player Kyle Sirell missed practice in order to finish his diorama.

Thomas is expected to deliver his landmark decision on Friday evening to a crowd of more than 15,000 at Blackie's pasture during the annual "Let's Dig Up Blackie's Carcass" festival.

A less surprising bit of news was the no-show of President Robert Belmont at the game on September 12. A spokesman for the Belmont administration declined to comment on the absence.

President Belmont's truancy is notable due to his recent negotiations with Attorney General (and team captain) Lucas Wilson in regards to the acquisition of MVP Matthew Yarborough.

"It came to our attention during a practice that Matt might be worth some money," Wilson said during an early morning conversation outside Noah's Bagels in Greenbrae. "But hey, the team is not gonna fall apart over this. We're gonna be #1."

That, sadly, may not be true. It is rumored that the Belmont administration has offered Yarborough a three month $38 million contract to play on the executive team. 

This would, ultimately, render Rowley's training with Thomas superfluous.

Return of the Bohunk

Sometime in the early to mid part of February, just before the second half of that month, the former doctor Trevor Todd Storey, shit his pants.

He was walking down the stairs of his two-floor apartment complex when his 250 lb television set, which he had procured from a free auction at Smart(t) Investments™, fell on him.

The injuries he sustained were beyond the scope of his own medical expertise. Diagnosis was secured via telephone by a local veterinarian Mackenzie Thomas.

At the hospital Storey received multiple stitches including some that fastened his eyelids shut. Thomas, who was attempting to perform an autopsy due to the fact that he was under the impression that Storey was a deceased goat, explained that the stitches were merely a precaution.

“He was giving me the stink eye,” Thomas said in an interview outside the San Francisco Zoo. “I couldn’t work under those conditions.”

Despite his accident, Storey has re-invented himself in the last few months. After being sequestered in his two-bedroom Berkeley slum for approximately 456 days straight, he left the room.

By going outdoors, Storey landed a job at a hapless, nearly criminal, San Francisco website.

Storey’s rise to dereliction has been swift and licentious. In light of three long-winded sexual encounters with his homely manager, he was offered a promotion.

The conditions of the escalation in responsibility were that he would not be provided with increased financial incentives for at least 60 days. Those 60 days ended on Monday.

Over the course of a five hour meeting with the arbiters of finance at the company, a deal was made.

“I was given the option of a traditional raise or they said they would pay for my drinks at lunch for the duration of employment,” Storey said at a late night meeting with investors. “I took the sodas of course.”

As The Philistine missed its printing date, Storey was eating a turkey sandwich at The Toaster Oven. The Philistine staff walked by the restaurant gloating. Nonetheless, Storey continued to sip his free Mr. Pibb with delight.

Storey will be talking about his corporate ascension strategy at the Cow Palace this coming Saturday June 19th, from 5:30am-9pm, with special, but as of yet unconfirmed, guest Charlie Ansanelli.

Who Is The Real Trevor Todd Storey?

Welcome To Berkeley Community College

It is with great pleasure that we announce The Philistine's own Trevor Todd Storey as the next candidate for the Smartt Investment Little Urban Achiever Scholarship.

Storey, a former MD, has been living in the Berkeley area for the past eight months. His medical license was revoked in a freak situation where Storey attempted to perform his debut stand up comedy routine during brain surgery.

When Dr. Brian Jacobson was made aware of the situation the matter was kicked up to the medical board of Alta Bates Medical Center, where Storey worked.

"We lost that guy that Doc Storey was fuckin around with, but that's not the reason [Storey] was booted," Dr. Jacobson said. "Everyone was so appalled by his comedy routine that nobody on the board felt comfortable keeping him around."

When asked to comment President Belmont refused, but his staff issued this statement on Monday:

"We are happy that Trevor has taken an interest in softball. The president has not yet declared his opinion on the comedy bit but we will expect to hear back from him when he returns from his bike ride next month."

Storey will be featured in this month's issue of the NAACP magazine, as the first white person to receive the aforementioned scholarship.

Local Eugene Inmate Violently Brutalized

MADRAS, OR -- Pete, a local Eugene felon and overall good guy, has recently been checked into the intensive care unit at Deer Ridge Correctional.

Pete sustained several injuries during an altercation with her cellmate, Matisse Frazier. Prison staff discovered the two women moments after the conflict had ended.

Pete had been badly beaten due to an argument involving who got to sleep on the single cot that is currently available in their cell.

Prison guards explained that the cot situation at Deer Ridge is a mounting problem, overcrowding has forced certain prisoners to sleep on the ground of their cells.

"I don't give a fuck, you fucking bitch ass motherfuckers, you can all suck my dick, fucking bullshit" Frazier said. "I'm not sleeping on the ground, no way, fuck ass."

Pete could not comment because of severe damage to her jawbone. She was able to scribble this on a pad: "I didn't even give a fuck about the sleeping situation, Matisse took my shiv, I was trying to kill that bitch."

Dr. Storey did correctly diagnose at least one injury that Pete sustained as a bruise:

You can't disconnect unless you...

nevermind.
Get me.

Tighty Whities Have Never Been So Emasculating

MF Doom - Born Like This

Born Like this is MF Doom's newest album released in March of this year. Born like this was a title chosen based on the poem by Charles Bukowski called Dinosauria, We. Doom uses a sample of Bukowski reciting this poem in the 10th track on the album titled Cellz. This new release from Doom is very similar to his old albums, where he uses samples from the Fantastic Four's enemy Dr. Doom. Some highlight tracks I enjoyed were: Ballskin, Cellz, Rap Ambush, and Lightworks. My favorite track off the album, however, is That's That, it shows a somber side of Doom which I had never heardbefore.






Tracklist:

01. Supervillain Intro
02. Gazillion Ear
03. Ballskin
04. Yessir [ft. Raekwon]
05. Absolutely
06. Rap Ambush
07. Lightworks
08. Batty-Boys
09. Angelz [ft. Tony Starks]
09. Cellz
10. Still Dope [ft. Empress Sharhh]
11. Microwave Mayo
12. More Rhymin' [ft. Kurious]
13. That's That
14. Suppervillainz
15. Bump's Message
16. Thank Ya

Link to Charles Bukowski's poem : http://rasml.org/dinosauria-we/

-RAHB

Man Orders "Freedom" Fries in France

by Robert Belmont

ANGERS, FRANCE - Saturday at around 12 p.m. Nicholas Hinman, a 20 year old exchange student from the University of Oregon, ordered what he called "Freedom" fries with his hamburger at a small cafe.

Hinman's order didn't mix well with the French waiter, Jacque Cousteau. Cousteau proceeded to yell at Hinman in French, in words he did not understand.

Bystanders said Hinman pulled a French flag out of his "man-purse," ejaculated on it and rubbed it in the waiters face screaming, "HOLD THE MAYONAISE I HAVE MY OWN." Hinman then proceeded to take off all his clothes, wrap himself in an American flag and run throughout the streets of Angers singing the US national anthem.

The French police are determining whether Hinman's behavior was an act of protest, terrorism, or pleasure. A reward of 10 euros has been put up by the French police for information regarding the whereabouts of Hinman.