How to have a proper conversation.

A Less Than Perfect Shopping Experience

SPRINGFIELD, OR -- Local shoppers at Gateway Mall encountered a disturbance Friday morning. Robert Belmont set up shop in the parking lot of the mall selling used electronics that ranged from flat screen TV's to blenders. However, all of Belmont's employee's helped customers in the nude. Belmont's criminal past includes many incidents involving public indecency, so the Springfield Police patrolled the area heavily.

"I'm not doing anything wrong," Belmont said, "In Oregon public nudity is not a criminal offense."

Later on in the evening Belmont slipped up. The parking lot bargain sale included an open bar, and customers started to participate in the nudity with Belmont and his employees. Around 5 p.m. Belmont was found naked and erect spray painting a large sign that read "FREE ORGY," close to the entrance of the mall's parking lot.

Authorities returned to the mall and tried to break up the massive gang bang, but were overpowered by the growing mob of participants. Two officers fell in the line of duty when Belmont, mid thrust, hurled a flaming Plasma TV at a police vehicle, causing the car to explode.

Officer Melissa Torres, and officer Frank Compton, both suffered 3rd degree burns. They were rushed to Lane County Hospital, but were pronounced dead hours later.

Belmont faces a life sentence, and the court date is set for the 6th of September.

"I'm going to miss my Amtrak Train back to the Bay Area damn," commented Belmont, "I had a roomette and all."

Robert Belmont

Local San Francisco Guy Arrives

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- On July 30th Manface arrived. On July 31st at 3:47am Lil' Big broke his ankle during a dog pile organized by Attorney General Lucas Wilson.

During further investigation into the matter it was discovered that Dr. Brian Jacobson, of Eugene, OR, was the last one on the pyramid causing the final blow that snapped Big's fibula.

"Dude I swear to god someone is going to break a bone tonight," Big said to Manface when the two met up at Bryan Lock's manor. "I just know it."

Dr. Jacobson pictured here moments before he landed on the dog pile.

Big was driven to the hospital two and a half hours after Grant Martin diagnosed his injuries.

"It wasn't that we were neglecting to take care of him," Manface said. "It's just that Lucas turned on Point Break and we all got sidetracked."

At 11am on July 31st Big was released from the hospital on crutches. Dr. Jacobson escorted him back to the Wilson's home and they made a recovery together.

"The doctors say I need surgery but insurance will not cover the costs and It'll be about 27 weeks before I can walk again," Big said. "The operation is said to be about $2.5 million, something to do with a Dr. Storey and his excessive retainer."

Grant Martin pictured here with Attorney General Lucas Wilson on their way to the gym.

With 12 albums in the pipeline this is not the most ideal time for Big to be out. He is confident though that William Smartt, of Smartt Investments, will be able to raise enough capital for his surgery.

"If not I can always hit up Jack Herr," Big said. "I owe him about $34,000 for all those times we went to Sweden House, but he's such a push over, you know?"

President Belmont was unavailable to comment, due to the recent purchase of an Xbox 360.

Zip Zero...Stingy With Dinero

Let's go
Hov!
Uh huh, Hov'
You, are, not, ready
Hov', unstoppable, Dynasty, young Hova

I'm a hustler baby [I'm a hustler]
I just want you to know [Wanna let you know]
It aint where I been [It aint where I been]
But where I'm bout to go [Top of the world!]
Now I just wanna love you [just wanna love you]
But be who I am [you know you love me]
And with all this cash [mo' money, mo' problems]
You'll forget your man
Now give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
C'mon, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff


*When the Remi's in the system
Aint no tellin will I fuck 'em will I diss 'em
That's what they be yellin
I'm a pimp by blood, not relation
Y'all be chasin, I replace them*
Huh, drunk of Crist', mommy on E
Can't keep her little model hands off me
Both in the club, high, singing off key
*And I wish I never met her at all...*
It gets better, ordered another round
It's, about, to go, down
Got six model chicks, six bottles of Crist'
Four Belvederes, got weed everywhere
What do you say, me, you and your Clovey glasses
Go somewhere private where we can discuss fashion
Like, Prada blouse, Gucci bra
Filth marked jeans, take that off

Give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
C'mon, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
I said give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
Motha, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff


Yeah, save the narrative you savin it for marriage
Let's keep it real ma you savin it for cabbage
You wanna see how far I'ma go
How, much I'ma spend but you already know
Zip, zero, stingy with dinero
Might buy you Crist', but that about it
Might light your wrist, but that about it
Fuck it, I might wife you and buy you nice whips
Ma, but you really gotta ride nice dick
Know how to work your hips and your head's priceless
Profess you love the Hov', and I'll never let you down
Get you bling like the Neptune sound
Okay, hot Hov', too hot to hold
Ladies love me long time like 2Pac sold
Only way to roll, Jigga and two ladies
I'm too cold, Motorola, two way page me, c'mon

Give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
C'mon, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
I said give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
Mama, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
I'm a hustler baby [uh, Hov']
I just want you to know [Hov']
It aint where I been
But where I'm bout to go [Hov', Hov']
Now I just wanna love you [young Hova]
But be who I am [know you love me]
And with all this cash [mo' money, mo' problems]
You'll forget your man


Yeah, yeah, yeah
Same song, I'm back, been around the world
Ro-mancing girls that dance with girls
From, Club Cheetah, to Club Amnesia
The Peanuts in L.A., bubblin and dubblins
Can't deny me, why would you want to
You need me, why don't you try me
Baby you want to, believe me, Hov'!

Give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
C'mon, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
I said give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff
But don't bullshit me
Mama, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushi stuff

You gotta...
Give it to me
Uh, uh huh

Welcome To Berkeley Community College

It is with great pleasure that we announce The Philistine's own Trevor Todd Storey as the next candidate for the Smartt Investment Little Urban Achiever Scholarship.

Storey, a former MD, has been living in the Berkeley area for the past eight months. His medical license was revoked in a freak situation where Storey attempted to perform his debut stand up comedy routine during brain surgery.

When Dr. Brian Jacobson was made aware of the situation the matter was kicked up to the medical board of Alta Bates Medical Center, where Storey worked.

"We lost that guy that Doc Storey was fuckin around with, but that's not the reason [Storey] was booted," Dr. Jacobson said. "Everyone was so appalled by his comedy routine that nobody on the board felt comfortable keeping him around."

When asked to comment President Belmont refused, but his staff issued this statement on Monday:

"We are happy that Trevor has taken an interest in softball. The president has not yet declared his opinion on the comedy bit but we will expect to hear back from him when he returns from his bike ride next month."

Storey will be featured in this month's issue of the NAACP magazine, as the first white person to receive the aforementioned scholarship.

Doctors Find Cure for Scrotum Sweat

A group of scientists led by Dr. Brian Jacobson, have just finished a proposal to the FDA for an anti-scrotum sweat medicine that comes in pill form, called Testicaid.

Scrotum sweat is a disease common in males of ages 16 on. If the male doesn't shower for a few days or has been exerting themselves, the scrotum can cause a putrid smell. This has been a problem for females who perform fellatio for their significant others on a regular basis.

"This deficiency among men was actually not hard to remove," Dr. Jacobson said, "We simply target the sweat glands in the scrotum with an acid that comes in pill form."

Venture capitalist William Smartt also participated in the research and proposal. Smartt has his Ph.D. in Micro phosphorus Genetics from College of Marin. Smartt's contribution to the research was strictly finding the side effects.

"The patients have a 6 week to 3 year treatment time, and the process is actually very painful," Smartt said, "The testicles are very likely to explode, and also are certain to cause an unbearable burning feeling."

Along with testicle explosion and third degree burns of the genitalia the other side effects of Testicaid, are a severe drop in hormone levels, loss of hair, the left foot can develop two feet of its own, eye shrinkage, ear infections, loss of appetite, vomiting, blood may seep through pores, rapid heart growth to abnormal size, rapid shrinkage of heart to an abnormal size, memory loss, can lead to Parkinson's disease, depression, may increase odor of testicle sweat, HIV, homosexuality in heterosexuals, heterosexuality in homosexuals, elephantiasis, brain damage, loss of affection for children, anger, hallucinations, drowsiness, and menopause.

"The drug is not very safe, and should not be ingested by any form of organism or microorganism," Smartt said.

Testicaid will be reviewed by the FDA in August.

Best Buy Employee Returns After Stint in Jail

SPRINGFIELD, OREGON-- Robert Belmont was jailed last February after stealing numerous cell phones and womens virginities from Springfield's Best Buy. Belmont has been rehired as of this coming Saturday.

Belmont was charged with rape, public nudity, armed robbery, and disturbing the peace, but only two charges were stuck to Belmont's sentence. The three women Belmont allegedly "raped" testified in Belmont's defense saying it was the best sex they'd ever had. The judge was puzzled since they all were virgins.

Amy Whittaker, 20, was one of the women Belmont assaulted. Whittaker said, "He was gentle, he held my hand, that is all I wanted for my first time."

Belmont was charged with a year sentence for public nudity and armed robbery. He was released this past Thursday with a job waiting for him at the Springfield Best Buy.

Charles Barkley, General Manager of Best Buy #666, was impressed with the increase in business since Belmont's heist.

"More and more young virgins have been asking for Robert, so we cut him a deal. He took the newly created position 'Customer Experience Manager,'" Barkley said.

Belmont will be returning to his position this Saturday at 10 a.m., until closing at 9 p.m. and signing autographs at the front door.


-RAHBB