Bike Ride

As I stared at the sluggishness of the blog, and tried to conquer my recent writers block I thought I'd share some of my plans for the week...

For a few months now I've been planning to ride my bike to Corvallis, Oregon. The ride is about 41.2 miles, and I am planning on doing it this Thursday. Here is the route I will be taking.

Vetrenarian Office Vandalized

EUGENE, OR -- Wags and Purrs Clinic was vandalized this weekend by local protesters. The 0utside walls were painted with images depicting aborted baby dogs. The images were painted with human blood and everybody loved it. That's not all, the clinic was coated with cream cheese and put in between two bagels. One vet was trapped inside, and he had to eat his was out of the bagel sandwich.

Neighboring houses of the clinic were mortified and some ate the bagel to drown their sorrows away. Your mom is the lord of the rings.

Local Eugene Inmate Violently Brutalized

MADRAS, OR -- Pete, a local Eugene felon and overall good guy, has recently been checked into the intensive care unit at Deer Ridge Correctional.

Pete sustained several injuries during an altercation with her cellmate, Matisse Frazier. Prison staff discovered the two women moments after the conflict had ended.

Pete had been badly beaten due to an argument involving who got to sleep on the single cot that is currently available in their cell.

Prison guards explained that the cot situation at Deer Ridge is a mounting problem, overcrowding has forced certain prisoners to sleep on the ground of their cells.

"I don't give a fuck, you fucking bitch ass motherfuckers, you can all suck my dick, fucking bullshit" Frazier said. "I'm not sleeping on the ground, no way, fuck ass."

Pete could not comment because of severe damage to her jawbone. She was able to scribble this on a pad: "I didn't even give a fuck about the sleeping situation, Matisse took my shiv, I was trying to kill that bitch."

Dr. Storey did correctly diagnose at least one injury that Pete sustained as a bruise:

You can't disconnect unless you...

nevermind.
Get me.

Good Morning

I am so tired. I need my red bull and my cigarette. This whole term I've had class at 9 am everyday. I wake up at 7:45, take a shower, ride my bike to 711, buy a red bull (and some cigarettes if I don't have any), and sit outside the building and smoke a cigarette. So all in all i just need a cig and some energy drink.

A funny article I found in the eugene daily Emerald

Infamous Sex Offender Caught in Dollar Store
by Robert Belmont

EUGENE, OR -- This weekend Eugene police arrested Ricky Belmont, the infamous sex offender whose catch phrase involved women touching their pussy with their hands.

Police were informed when Eugene resident, Marsha Bobbett heard a man screaming "TOUCH YOUR PUSSY WITH YOUR HANDS," at three in the morning on a Sunday a few months back.

The perpetrator, Belmont, was caught three days later in a dollar store harassing a young lady named Barbara Stessen. Belmont was naked in the kitchen utensil isle trying to masturbate with barbecue tongs. He approached Stessen with the tongs yelling, "NOW YOU TOUCH YOUR PUSSY WITH YOUR HANDS."

Eugene police linked the cases together and charged Belmont with two counts of disturbing the peace, one count of public nudity, and two counts of sexual assault. The second count of sexual assault was given when Belmont tried to use his penis in the credit card machine.

The police are holding Belmont with a 150,000 dollar bail until he faces trial sometime next month. Eugene city police commissioner Dale Heartly commented, "We do not know if Belmont's actions were due to insanity or some substance abuse, but he is doing fine in prison except for his constant masturbation."

Apple Releases iPhone App for the iPhone 3G

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - Apple announced its latest addition to the App Store on Tuesday, the iPhone App. The iPhone App lets you make phone calls, send text messages, and store phone numbers. The application is said to be a revolutionary for iPhone users.

"The iPhone has been suffocated by endless amounts of useless applications such as a bird identifier," Steve Jobs commented. "iPhone users have become more and more lame."

The iPhone app uses alphabetical order to organize your contacts, 0-9 numeric keypad for dialing, and text messaging without predictive text.

The application is $39.99 at the app store, and all proceeds go to patients that suffer from iPhone withdrawals.