Trevor Storey loses interest in his job, decides not to post about it

BERKELEY, CA -- A local toy store employee found himself startled today by a realization that he no longer has any interest in working.

"I just couldn't take it." Trevor Todd Storey confirmed after spending three straight hours on the toilet this morning, attempting to make a bowel movement.

After a brief altercation with a co-worker, Storey offered his apology. The other employee opened fire on Storey hitting him in the neck, arm and leg.

The employee has vacated the city and is suspected to be on his way to another toy store in Sausalito to apply for a job.

Local merchants on the block were unperturbed by the gunshots.

"We don't give a fuck." Charlie Wong, a local baron and liquor store owner, said.

Storey declined that he had been constipated this morning. He is currently in critical condition in the bathroom.

You Are Not What I Thought You Were

There are too many like you

You’re not original

Your cunt feels the same

Why do I stick around

I get phone calls from others, and hang up;

It could be more exciting – but my cock doesn’t know better.

Just because your red hair tangles in curls, you shouldn’t feel better

Airfare covered, the other women come to me and they fuck

Younger than you,

Bigger tits than you,

They know how to make me come.

My four or five thrust almost treat them well

If I’m drunk I probably won’t come.

Who is this Obama guy?

Okay so he’s black. I get that. He may have gotten a job working with the Government in Washington.

But who the fuck does he think he is?

He’s trying to close up Guantanamo. Which is just a prison that spawned a great movie.

And now that he’s on the scene I have no idea where George Bush went.

That dude had a funny ass show on C-SPAN2.

I’m not sure what the deal is.

- Rob & Monty

Album Review

After reading Pitchfork's review of the new Animal Collective album Merriweather Post Pavilion, I decided to write my own review of the album without actually listening to it. To preface the review, I just want to note that the perpetual efficacy of Animal Collective's turbulent impressionistic stigma incites more hedonistic incredulity than


WOW GG HAX FRANCE!!!!

Steel Reserve

This is an ode to the most potent of malt beers. I drink you and you get me drunk! I forget about your counterpart and drink you at 3am. I know it's sad but you get me whenever I feel like I need you. Your potency gets me every time.

What I Did on Superbowl Sunday

As the plane spiraled down to the water, all I could feel was the cold metal of the handcuffs on my wrists, and all I could hear was the foreign toungue of my captives. I knew I was going insane when the plane felt like it was going in a reverse spiral. I heard a yelling; I abruptly turned my head around and saw an insurgent pressing a cold steel gun against his throat. He pulled the trigger and sagged in his seat. Blood was everywhere. I expected more gunfire to go off, it was all in their minds. I couldn't do anything, handcuffed, helpless, and lost.

The plane hit the water surprisingly soft, we capsized and I blacked out. I was awoken in a room with what seemed to be two American's. I had been in captivity so long I probably didn't look American. My first words of English, in two years, came out, "I'm American."

One of the agents, who seemed very angry yelled, "Who the fuck are you then?"

I tried my best to explain that I was an American secret service agent who had been compromised in Lebanon, and shipped to a terrorist torture compound. When I had cleared my thoughts, I told them the details; who I was, my boss, my mission, etc. They pulled my file, and told me I was pronounced dead a year and a half ago. God Bless America.

-Rob

Things that can make me hard (gay edition)

1. Chapstick


2. Brie cheese


3. Sesame water crackers


4. The gym


5. Mango salsa


6. Small dogs


7. Eau de toilette


8. Manicures


9. Fiji water


10. GAY PORN