BERKELEY, CA -- Residents of Berkeley and friends of Trevor Todd Storey were not surprised that on February 26th, 2009 Storey turned 21.
"It happened on the same date that his birthday went down on last year." Said Chris Cohan who was there for the unimpressive conclusion to Storey's 21st year.
Storey, a laid back guy, decided to wait until the afternoon of the 26th to purchase alcohol. After not being carded by the Seven Eleven clerk, Storey felt useless.
"It was bonkers." Storey said.
The apartment where Storey resides was littered with gifts that would at first appear to be for a seven year old.
Upon further investigation Storey determined that they were in fact meant for him. Baffled, he decided to go to bed.
The Philistine would like to officially announce that Storey's birthday ended last night at 11:59 p.m. and that he did not hire any outside help for sex at any point after that time.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Cloning Neanderthals
In my biology class yesterday we had a guest speaker, who was pretty much uninformative besides a question he brought up, "Should we clone a Neanderthal?" He showed us an article that had to do with a study where scientists have determined we have enough technology to clone a Neanderthal. This includes the recent completion of the human genome, stem cell research that President Obama has pushed for, and the breakthrough with Dolly the sheep.
The guest speaker asked the class whether or not we should go through with this, and I was really unimpressed with the answers most students responded with. One girl said that we shouldn't clone a Neanderthal because he would be overwhelmed with society and technology, etc. I almost screamed at her, "THIS IS NOT ENCINO MAN MORON". Cloning doesn't pop out a fully grown human like in the movie Multiplicity you idiot. This was funny to me because we spent two or three lectures studying how twins, and or clones are genetically the same, but societal influences can change their political views, their accent, their interests, etc. Another girl said it would be a complete waste of money, because previous human cloning has proven to be a money sink. Tax dollars to chase the dream of cloning a human might not seem right to most tax payers. Many failed experiments have failed after the 4 cell and 6 cell stages of the cloning process.
Now, I don't have to refute the first girl's opinion, because she, well, is basically just a retard. The second girls opinion was true in some cases, but most cloning experiments are privately funded by advocates in the science world. If Mr. Moneybank wants to contribute one billion dollars of his own money to cloning, I say go right ahead. The advances in therapeutic cloning of human body parts could cure heart disease, certain forms of cancer, be used to replace limbs of amputees, and so much more.
Cloning a Neanderthal could tell us so much about who we are today, and who we will be in the future. Neanderthals had larger brain capacities than humans today, but we have no idea why. Having a live Neanderthal to perform cat scans on would open up so many doors in the field of science. Neanderthals also had different voice boxes, raising one in a human family would finally solve the question of Nature vs. Nurture. Answering if being raised around modern language could conquer a less developed part of the body, supporting Darwin's theory. Also we could see how the current human race will do in the future. If this Neanderthal clone dies from his organs not able to adapt to our current climate, we will need to really concentrate on saving our planet from Global Warming.
-RAHB
/serious post
Pop Culture References
Multiplicity - Michael Keaton stars in a Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Comedy where he never has enough time for the things he wants to do is offered the opportunity to have himself cloned.
Encino Man: When they find a frozen caveman (Brendan Fraser) in their backyard, two high school outcasts thaw him out and introduce him to modern day life while he in turn, gets them to actually enjoy life
The guest speaker asked the class whether or not we should go through with this, and I was really unimpressed with the answers most students responded with. One girl said that we shouldn't clone a Neanderthal because he would be overwhelmed with society and technology, etc. I almost screamed at her, "THIS IS NOT ENCINO MAN MORON". Cloning doesn't pop out a fully grown human like in the movie Multiplicity you idiot. This was funny to me because we spent two or three lectures studying how twins, and or clones are genetically the same, but societal influences can change their political views, their accent, their interests, etc. Another girl said it would be a complete waste of money, because previous human cloning has proven to be a money sink. Tax dollars to chase the dream of cloning a human might not seem right to most tax payers. Many failed experiments have failed after the 4 cell and 6 cell stages of the cloning process.
Now, I don't have to refute the first girl's opinion, because she, well, is basically just a retard. The second girls opinion was true in some cases, but most cloning experiments are privately funded by advocates in the science world. If Mr. Moneybank wants to contribute one billion dollars of his own money to cloning, I say go right ahead. The advances in therapeutic cloning of human body parts could cure heart disease, certain forms of cancer, be used to replace limbs of amputees, and so much more.
Cloning a Neanderthal could tell us so much about who we are today, and who we will be in the future. Neanderthals had larger brain capacities than humans today, but we have no idea why. Having a live Neanderthal to perform cat scans on would open up so many doors in the field of science. Neanderthals also had different voice boxes, raising one in a human family would finally solve the question of Nature vs. Nurture. Answering if being raised around modern language could conquer a less developed part of the body, supporting Darwin's theory. Also we could see how the current human race will do in the future. If this Neanderthal clone dies from his organs not able to adapt to our current climate, we will need to really concentrate on saving our planet from Global Warming.
-RAHB
/serious post
Pop Culture References
Multiplicity - Michael Keaton stars in a Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Comedy where he never has enough time for the things he wants to do is offered the opportunity to have himself cloned.
Encino Man: When they find a frozen caveman (Brendan Fraser) in their backyard, two high school outcasts thaw him out and introduce him to modern day life while he in turn, gets them to actually enjoy life
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
10 things about France
Je deteste:
1. No real Mexican food
2. All stores are closed on Sunday
3. These assholes, coupled with shitty club music
4. Their stereotypes of Americans, which includes but is not limited our undying love of ketchup.
5. When you try and speak French and they respond in English to be superior, but their English is worse than your French.
J'aime:
1. Baguettes, especially with jambon et fromage
2. Everybody smokes
3. Nutella
4. DELERIUM TREMENS
5. Cafès
And titties
-Nicholas
1. No real Mexican food
2. All stores are closed on Sunday
3. These assholes, coupled with shitty club music
4. Their stereotypes of Americans, which includes but is not limited our undying love of ketchup.
5. When you try and speak French and they respond in English to be superior, but their English is worse than your French.
J'aime:
1. Baguettes, especially with jambon et fromage
2. Everybody smokes
3. Nutella
4. DELERIUM TREMENS
5. Cafès
And titties
-Nicholas
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday the 23rd
I'm eating a Chocolate Almond Fudge Clif Bar and a box of saltines and I don't know where this is going. Obama says the economy is screwed until 2013 so that means we have to re-elect the motha until he gets gets it right. I don't think we should occupy Afghanistan I think all of them should come over and kick it with us in good ol' America. That way we can actually observe each other's cultures to smooth out any childish misconceptions we may have; after the turmoil we can all live peacefully in North American and then use Afghanistan to test our nuclear weapons. But this thinking is far too radical for our time. My economic relief would be Zapp & Roger, riding my bicycle on rainy days, and the Bible. What's in your stimulus plan?
This is Sean Tai, asian reporter, signing out.
This is Sean Tai, asian reporter, signing out.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Employee Steals More than Just a Few Cell Phones
by Robert Belmont
SPRINGFIELD, OR - A Best Buy employee, Robert Charles Belmont, was arrested early Sunday morning for allegedly stealing four iPhones, eight Blackberry Storms, and four women's virginities.
Belmont was said to have entered the store naked with an erection and a Jansport duffelbag screaming "Activate this bitch!" He proceeded to chop open the cabinets with an axe where the cell phones were stored, and emptied them into his duffel bag.
The virginities were stolen in the geek squad area, where Belmont took four female customers behind willingly and had sex with them. The four women who had their virginities stolen enjoyed the experience and will call Belmont when he gets out of jail.
General Manager Charles Barkley said, "Belmont was always a good employee, this rampage through the store was very out of the blue."
Best Buy Inc. is pressing charges of public nudity, theft, destruction of property, and disturbing the peace. Belmont is being held at Guantamo Bay until his trial that is said to be near the end of March.
SPRINGFIELD, OR - A Best Buy employee, Robert Charles Belmont, was arrested early Sunday morning for allegedly stealing four iPhones, eight Blackberry Storms, and four women's virginities.
Belmont was said to have entered the store naked with an erection and a Jansport duffelbag screaming "Activate this bitch!" He proceeded to chop open the cabinets with an axe where the cell phones were stored, and emptied them into his duffel bag.
The virginities were stolen in the geek squad area, where Belmont took four female customers behind willingly and had sex with them. The four women who had their virginities stolen enjoyed the experience and will call Belmont when he gets out of jail.
General Manager Charles Barkley said, "Belmont was always a good employee, this rampage through the store was very out of the blue."
Best Buy Inc. is pressing charges of public nudity, theft, destruction of property, and disturbing the peace. Belmont is being held at Guantamo Bay until his trial that is said to be near the end of March.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
An open e-mail from Billy Smartt Fwd: Today! African American Leadership Symposium
Below is an e-mail forwarded to me by Billy Smartt.
The subject as you can see is about African American leadership or some garbage.
The ridiculous thing about this shit, is how blatantly racist it is. Like imagine if that e-mail's subject was "Today! White American Leadership Symposium"
I saw a sign that advertised the "Black Student Union" at COM, and I immediately thought "is it cool if I just throw up a sign that says 'White Student Union'?"
I mean what the fuck.
I think I might do it.
The e-mail:
Thought you might be interested...
Sent from my iPhone
The subject as you can see is about African American leadership or some garbage.
The ridiculous thing about this shit, is how blatantly racist it is. Like imagine if that e-mail's subject was "Today! White American Leadership Symposium"
I saw a sign that advertised the "Black Student Union" at COM, and I immediately thought "is it cool if I just throw up a sign that says 'White Student Union'?"
I mean what the fuck.
I think I might do it.
The e-mail:
Thought you might be interested...
Sent from my iPhone
Begin forwarded message:
Today is the second day of the Magis Leadership Symposium: African American Perspectives. Please join University Life and Athletics for this vibrant discussion about leadership.From: "USFconnect Message" <pleasedonotreply@usfca.edu>
Date: February 18, 2009 11:51:39 AM PST
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: Today! African American Leadership Symposium
During Black History Month and Homecoming Week, this symposium uniquely combines education, leadership and athletics from an African American perspective. This event brings together members of the Bay area black community, USF African American alumni, and current students, faculty and staff to discuss pathways to education and tools for academic success.
- Monty
Unjustified Interactions With People I Do Not Know
I was at work the other day and I was about 60 feet away from this guy who was looking at me. I gave him the "Can I help you?" look. You know that one where you raise your eyebrows and slightly tilt your head up like you've been interested by something. Anyway, I was way too far away from him to have done said look, and it became weird. As I got closer I noticed he was completely bald, fake tanned, and he looked like he was melting. The ironic thing was, he was only like 5 or 6 years older than me. Back to the interaction, I had to hold the "Can I help you?" look for about 10 seconds, which if you've ever worked retail you'd know it's waaaay too long.
I finally made it up to him and asked if he needed any help. He looked very puzzled, and replied, "Oh, no, you just looked really familiar." I was caught so off guard, and I had no idea what to do. The woman he was with felt the awkwardness too, she looked as if someone had exploded in front of her.
Anyway I was sick of looking at me "twirling my shirt around my head like a hellacopta," so I thought I'd share.
-ROB
I finally made it up to him and asked if he needed any help. He looked very puzzled, and replied, "Oh, no, you just looked really familiar." I was caught so off guard, and I had no idea what to do. The woman he was with felt the awkwardness too, she looked as if someone had exploded in front of her.
Anyway I was sick of looking at me "twirling my shirt around my head like a hellacopta," so I thought I'd share.
-ROB
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