Local Man Hits Big Payday By Threatening Locals

SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Local man Mitchell Duran has become a millionaire, almost overnight, through a complex scheme of threats and shocking proposals.

Duran was spotted by a correspondent for The Philistine on Market street this morning standing outside the car he uses to drive for Lyft (a ride sharing company that attracts people with no other options), threatening to show people his asshole if they did not pay him a fee that ranged between $4 and $100,000. Duran quickly amassed an unprecedented sum of money, according to local panhandlers and gypsies.

"I was just trying to catch the 38 when this deranged man started screaming at me as he unbuckled his pants," Robert Belmont, the alcoholic former President of the United States, said as he finished up a phone conversation with his drug dealer. "So I paid him what he asked because I'm in a rush and have to meet someone."

Duran has had a slew of different odd jobs, including one where he apparently excelled at placing 'over the phone food orders.' "Yeah I called Mitchell one night asking if he could get a pizza delivered to my aparment," The music mogul Chris Cohan told a reporter for The Philistine during the Olympics last year. "My pizza never arrived, but I still have faith in Mitchell as a man who is very comfortable in large groups. So I'm inviting him to a party in the spring."

As The Philistine went to press Duran was unavailable for comment. We are reviewing his resumé and will have a full report in next month's issue.

New Movie: "Anal in Oregon"

Local All-Around 'Good Guy' Inspires Eugenics Revival

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Trevor Storey, formerly Dr. Storey, the all-around "good guy" best known for a recent series of San Francisco based post cards that include some of his most penetrating musings on life, has been pegged as the sole inspiration for President Robert Belmont's latest initiative to revive the long out of style eugenics movement.

"As I was reading some of the post cards in the Philistine recently I realized that Trevor is an all-around 'good guy'," President Belmont said during a State of the Union address. "But that won't stop me from breeding humans to make sure this never happens again."

The crux of the issue according to Carter "Barry Bonds" Grady, famed sports legend and still unconvinced friend of the questionably homosexual Sir Matthew Rutledge, is a "Lack of intelligence."

"Listen, I asked Trevor a few basic questions," Grady said to a group of 41,000 before he threw the opening day pitch for the Giants 2014 season. "1. Can you effectively learn to avoid errors? 2. Is Matt actually gay or is it only my dick that he likes to suck? Trevor mumbled something but I couldn't make it out over all the Cheetos and fruit snacks he had in his mouth."

According to subsequent reports following this conversation between Grady and Storey, Storey promptly fell asleep and shit his pants. He was unavailable for comment.

Former Heterosexual Finally Convinces Friends That He Likes Men

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a bold move last Wednesday strong man Matt Rutledge started blowing friend, and sports legend, Carter "Barry Bonds" Grady in an effort to further establish his sexuality amongst his peers.

"I love the feeling of hard wood on my ass!" Rutledge explained to guests at the BBQ

The party, at which Rutledge made the epic display, was hosted by former used car salesmen Derrick Schoening. Schoening, now SVP of coolsunglasses.com, has been ignoring Rutledge's texts.

Sad, and alone, Rutledge finds himself in between a former lover and the new flame

Schoening is now in a committed relationship with a woman, but had been playing the field with the other team. Rutledge, ignorant of this, has been ceaselessly texting and calling Schoening to find out "what changed".

Rutledge basks in the afterglow of a "job well done"

"After I busted on Matt's face I was feeling pretty good," Grady said in an interview outside Panda Express on Tuesday afternoon. "But I'm still not convinced."

Update Monday April 22nd, 2013: Someone anonymously submitted an audio sex tape to The Philistine this afternoon of Rutledge attempting to have gay sex with an unidentified friend. See audio below.

Fitness Entrepreneur's Coming Out Party Met With Doubt

GUERNEVILLE, CA– Fitness franchise tycoon Matt Rutledge attempted to come out over a weekend at the Russian River with his inner circle, but was widely written off.

Rutledge wasted no breath trying to announce his new found sexuality. When he arrived at the weekend home of technology veteran Matty Martin his shirt read “I am gay now.”

“It was no surprise to me,” Carter “Barry Bonds” Grady told reporters outside Panda Express on 5th and Market in San Francisco. “Matt has always been hitting on me.”

During a walk to the beach Rutledge began to show visible affection for Derrick Schoening, a former used car salesman. Onlookers, though, were still unsure.

Rutledge, in a desperate first move to make his desires clear.

“I just didn’t buy it,” SAT proctor Patrick Hamilton explained. “You see when I am watching for kids cheating on their SATs, I don’t look for the guys who are looking around, trying to make themselves known, I look for the guys who play it cool.”

Later in the evening Grady captured Rutledge and Schoening ‘in the act’.

"Got you fuckers!"

Experts were still unconvinced of Rutledge’s sudden change of heart. Until his heart was broken when Schoening was discovered in bed with teen crush Nicholas Hinman.

"I was crushed," Rutledge informed the Associated Press while riding MUNI to Blackthorn in the inner sunset to watch the 49ers game Sunday afternoon. "By dinner we had kissed and made up, though."

Just moments after getting out of bed with Hinman, Schoening still had a seat at the table next to Rutledge.

Regardless of Rutledge's sexuality we are told the weekend was still a hit amongst attendees. Which is, apparently, all that matters.

Local Baseball Fan Confused About Score In Home Game

San Francisco, CA – Baseball enthusiast, and political scientist by night, Kyle Sirell was a little more than dumbfounded when he looked up to discover that the Rockies had tied the Giants in the top of the 5th inning Monday night.

"I asked this guy what the score was on my way back from the bathroom, and he said '1-0 Giants'," Sirell recapped for reporters via smart phone on his morning walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. "Then when I got back to the suite we were tied up. I was flabbergasted."

As Sirell attempts to catch up with the game, technology extraordinaire Matthew Martin steals a sip of Sirell's beer.

In an effort to clear things up, Dr. Brian Jacobson, Ph.D began to explain the intricacies of the portion of the 5th inning which Sirell had missed.

"I started by recapping the 3rd base runner's trip to home plate," Dr. Jacobson pontificated over tea in his back yard. "I wasn't getting through to him at first."

Dr. Jacobson trying, tirelessly, to mull over the details of the 5th inning with Sirell.

By the 9th inning Sirell had some idea of what was going on with the score, though by that time the Giants had scored 5 more runs and won the game.

Sirell in the bottom of the 9th, excited to have 'figured it all out', after an exhaustive elucidation.

Sirell, also a gypsy trader, was down on pier 27 Monday morning trying to sell some flowers he had picked from Ring Mountain.

"I had no idea that Kyle had a side business," Martin said. "I was really bummed when they told me."

Sirell has been on hiatus from working in the Costa Rican jungle for oil giant Chevron. He is said to be working three jobs to support his family.

Carter "Barry Bonds" Grady refused to comment on this story.

Local Tech Guru Opts Out of Social Networking for Sun Glasses

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A local tech prodigy has quit his job at a local tech giant to revolutionize the optical industry.

On Monday Matthew Martin announced his departure from a lucrative career in technology. The move was made in order to pursue his dreams of creating the start-up coolsunglasses.com.

Martin moments before he decided to leave his job.

"Matty had this technology that he'd been developing with the sun glasses," political scientist Kyle Sirell explained to the AP during a press conference late Monday night. "Essentially it would allow you to tell the difference between typical people and the extra terrestrials that are apparently posing as humans."

Martin turned down a salary of $457,000 a year with quarterly bonuses and stock options, as well as a seat next to Jack Nicholson at every single home Laker's game.

On Tuesday morning Martin incorporated coolsunglasses.com and raised $38 billion by 12:45pm. On Wednesday afternoon, after the company officially went public, its stock opened at $694.14 rallying past Apple Computer. By market close the stock had fallen to just under $1, apparently due to heavy shorting by rogue investor Nicholas Kawamoto.

"I just told everyone to buy, you know?" Kawamoto explained during a seizure he was having on the floor of the NYSE. "Who would have thought it was going to work!?!?!?!?!?!"

Kawamoto speculating on the stock market with a pair of shades from coolsunglasses.com.

Thursday night Martin was discovered at Delirium in San Francisco telling everyone in the bar that he was born in the U.S.A.

"The guy was screaming," former doctor and toy store employee Trevor Storey said. “Plus there were like no bitches there, and the ones who were there were not down to hook up, so I flipped off Monty and left.”

Martin was seen at many locations around the Bay Area, raising money and working with his colleagues on the details of his new eye wear solution.

Martin holding a meeting with his first two employees at the donut shop on Van Ness and Market late Saturday night.

Derrick Schoening (pictured above left) was previously a used car salesman, but when Martin rescued him from a suicide attempt, he began working on coolsunglasses.com. Carter “Barry Bonds” Grady (right) was a professional baseball player from 1986 to 2007. His career ended when he was caught stealing Sunkist and Skittles from the stadium vending machines. He is vice president of community out reach for coolsunglasses.com.

Martin refused comment on this story and is said to be at the beach working on his tan for the upcoming keynote.

Sir Matthew Rutledge of Balboa Takes Over 24 Hour Fitness

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a freak incident, involving English parliament, Sir Matthew Rutledge of Balboa has acquired control of American fitness chain 24 Hour Fitness®.

Rutledge was recently knighted for his victory in the annual San Francisco Decathlon, which was made on the heels of an extraordinary 36 hour bender in Las Vegas (see article).

Rutledge moments before a $4,000 loss at Caesar's Palace

"After I got back from the U.K. I was just in a state of euphoria," the self professed number one "Corky Romano" fan told the associated press last Tuesday. "So, I bought 24 Hour Fitness. I mean why the fuck not? I'm a knight now."

Rutledge's own fitness skills were put to the ultimate test earlier this month during freak incident where he almost drowned in a pond at Golden Gate Park.

"We were playing frisbee golf that day and I noticed that Matt had been missing for quite some time," local entrepreneur and certified optimist Rock and Roll Rowley said. "That's when I saw bubbles forming in a nearby pond."

Rock and Roll Rowley leaps towards the deadly pond where Rutledge almost lost his life

"Thank god Rock and Roll Rowley was there," family friend of the Rutledge's, and recent literary success, Campbell Belden said. "I thought Matt was a goner for sure."

R-O-B Is Back

Tiga Cheetah by rcbelmont

The Philistine Finds Audience in Anonymous Internet User

CO? – As The Philistine, again, missed its long over-due printing deadline, an anonymous internet user posted a comment.

It was determined, from a painstaking 27 month study of The Philistine's google analytics page, that the culprit is this man:

"After President Belmont phoned me I went over to the university and apprehended Mr. Grady," a Colorado state trooper said.

The man that our friends at the Colorado State Patrol picked up was identified as Carter Grady, identification was further clarified by The Philistine staff once the above image was received.

"The man is actually sports phenomenon Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady," Philistine staffer, and sports enthusiast, Trevor Storey said. "I mean I didn't even bat an eye when I saw that photo."

During the interrogation the following slides were presented to Grady in order to prove to him that he was in fact the aforementioned "Anonymous" internet user.

The first piece of evidence shows the traffic coming to The Philistine from the state of Colorado, which was all stemming from the city of Boulder, where Grady resides.

As Grady was presented the second image, he involuntarily yelled out the expression "BOOM!"

"We had to make sure it was him," Attorney General Lucas Wilson said, as he exited the interrogation room.

Grady was beaten with a 2lb bag of skittles until the bag burst and hysteria ensued.

"Why did you guys arrest me if I'm you're only fan?" Grady eventually asked, after things had calmed down.

The Philistine promptly released him.

Local Best Buy Manager Breeds Award Winning Persian Cats

EUGENE, OR - Local assailant and cell phone salesman turned manager, Robert Belmont, has dropped his cell phones and picked up kittens. Belmont bred four Persian Cats this last year and has achieved 4 Blue ribbons at the Eugene Cat Fancier's Tournament.

"I just like pussy," Belmont says, "there isn't any amount of words that sums up the pride one gets by breeding pussy and then winning an award for it."

One of Belmont's Cats, Hermoine, won best in class for Persian's, and won a best in show ribbon as well.

"Hermoine is a good pussy, she knows she is too you can tell by the way she walks," says Belmont.

Belmont is a rookie in the cat breeding world and is the youngest breeder to win a best in show and best in class ribbon for his cats.

Introducing the Eugene Skate Kr3w

The Interview

Predictably, Christmas time came to an odd close. The wrapping up of 2010 was phenomenally unemotional. Which is, partially, why The Philistine felt compelled to cover this extraordinary exchange between political scientist, and cigarette activist, Kyle Sirell and actual scientist Dr. Brian Jacobson.

Local "Mountain Man" Discovered on Local Mountain

The "mountain man" making his initial approach

Mill Valley, CA – A group of hikers were terrorized Saturday afternoon by what witnesses described as a "mountain man".

The hikers were visiting the world famous Mount Tamalpais, which had recently acquired the right to have snow fall on it, at the time of the incident.

"I was made aware of the situation about 15 mins after we arrived," local guitarist and media mogul Chris Cohan said. "Motherfucker just nailed me with a snowball, shit was on after that."

Cohan not giving a fuck

Apparently the "mountain man" wasn't having it

Patrick intervened, attempting to save the day

But failed

Yet, the war raged on

Cohan surrenders

When the battle concluded 19 people were dead. As the survivors fled the scene, The Philistine had a chance to catch up with the "mountain man".

"I be here long time," the "mountain man" said.

That statement was the end of the interview. Nonetheless, park rangers informed us that the "mountain man" does respond to "OMG LOL BUTSEKZ", and has apparently been spotted on the mountain since the spring of 1988.

The park rangers service has contacted President Belmont's administration and a carpet bombing of Mount Tam is slated for April.

Local Group of Friends Discover That New Years is Arbitrary

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a moment that had occurred many times in the past, and one that would continue to take place for the rest of their lives, a local fellowship collectively realized the final day of the Gregorian year is, in fact, meaningless.

As the clock struck midnight on the west coast, the crowd outside Casanova on Valencia St. was still counting down.

What followed was a series of superfluous countdowns to the same moment, that had already passed.

Sports legend Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady attempting to make sense of the situation.

In the confusion of the post-midnight moments many were racing to understand what had transpired. Sports phenomenon Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady helped reporters catch up with the ball, so to speak.

"We were all expecting a big boom, or at least I was," 'Bonds' Grady told The Philistine during his 31 mile New Year's resolution jog.

Others were less perturbed by the uncertainty. Local music entrepreneur Chris Cohan decided to send out a mass text to everyone: "Fuck your mothers".

With little regard for New Year's' lack of significance famous artist Matthew Martin curiously lead a mob all the way to Hunter's Point where everyone stopped abruptly and turned around.

"What we all know is true, is that it's really just an opportunity to give all your close buddies a big wet one," Local political science major, and recent graduate (pending some overdue homework assignments), Kyle Sirell explained. "I'll wait a year for that."

Sirell and 'good ol'' Casey Stikker attempting an embrace.

Despite all the varying opinions on the evening, The Philistine determined that Martin had the last word. 

As the night came to a close, he simply kept muttering the word "meaning" over and over until every last New Year's Ever fell asleep, and welcomed January 1st 2011.

The following is a documentary brought to you by the people at The Philistine (The following video in no way reflects the views and opinions of The Philistine Group or its affiliates):

Thomas in Talks to Train with Thomas

Rock and Roll Rowley (left) and Mackenzie Thomas (right)

TIBURON, CA – In a move that has caused sports fans all across the bay area to question their hearing, Rock and Roll Rowley I has entered the running to train alongside famed Tiburon Peninsula Little League all-star Mackenzie Thomas.

After throwing out his arm during practice for the semi-finals, Rowley unequivocally called it quits.

"I was finished," Rowley said during an e-mail interview with local cretin Trevor Todd Storey. "I just couldn't throw another baseball."

The move came at a critical time for the team. Things had been looking bleak towards the end of the summer season as fellow player Kyle Sirell missed practice in order to finish his diorama.

Thomas is expected to deliver his landmark decision on Friday evening to a crowd of more than 15,000 at Blackie's pasture during the annual "Let's Dig Up Blackie's Carcass" festival.

A less surprising bit of news was the no-show of President Robert Belmont at the game on September 12. A spokesman for the Belmont administration declined to comment on the absence.

President Belmont's truancy is notable due to his recent negotiations with Attorney General (and team captain) Lucas Wilson in regards to the acquisition of MVP Matthew Yarborough.

"It came to our attention during a practice that Matt might be worth some money," Wilson said during an early morning conversation outside Noah's Bagels in Greenbrae. "But hey, the team is not gonna fall apart over this. We're gonna be #1."

That, sadly, may not be true. It is rumored that the Belmont administration has offered Yarborough a three month $38 million contract to play on the executive team. 

This would, ultimately, render Rowley's training with Thomas superfluous.

5 Movies in 5 Sentences

Avatar: Crippled guy plays out all his blue man group fantasies in the rain forest.

Terminator Salvation: John Conner tries REALLLY hard to get his dad laid.

Inglorious Basterds: Brad Pitt tries to speak Italian, and Eli Roth plays baseball with Germans.

Wall-E: Robot foreplay.

Up: Fat kid annoys an old man.