Former Heterosexual Finally Convinces Friends That He Likes Men

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a bold move last Wednesday strong man Matt Rutledge started blowing friend, and sports legend, Carter "Barry Bonds" Grady in an effort to further establish his sexuality amongst his peers.

"I love the feeling of hard wood on my ass!" Rutledge explained to guests at the BBQ

The party, at which Rutledge made the epic display, was hosted by former used car salesmen Derrick Schoening. Schoening, now SVP of coolsunglasses.com, has been ignoring Rutledge's texts.

Sad, and alone, Rutledge finds himself in between a former lover and the new flame

Schoening is now in a committed relationship with a woman, but had been playing the field with the other team. Rutledge, ignorant of this, has been ceaselessly texting and calling Schoening to find out "what changed".

Rutledge basks in the afterglow of a "job well done"

"After I busted on Matt's face I was feeling pretty good," Grady said in an interview outside Panda Express on Tuesday afternoon. "But I'm still not convinced."

Update Monday April 22nd, 2013: Someone anonymously submitted an audio sex tape to The Philistine this afternoon of Rutledge attempting to have gay sex with an unidentified friend. See audio below.

Fitness Entrepreneur's Coming Out Party Met With Doubt

GUERNEVILLE, CA– Fitness franchise tycoon Matt Rutledge attempted to come out over a weekend at the Russian River with his inner circle, but was widely written off.

Rutledge wasted no breath trying to announce his new found sexuality. When he arrived at the weekend home of technology veteran Matty Martin his shirt read “I am gay now.”

“It was no surprise to me,” Carter “Barry Bonds” Grady told reporters outside Panda Express on 5th and Market in San Francisco. “Matt has always been hitting on me.”

During a walk to the beach Rutledge began to show visible affection for Derrick Schoening, a former used car salesman. Onlookers, though, were still unsure.

Rutledge, in a desperate first move to make his desires clear.

“I just didn’t buy it,” SAT proctor Patrick Hamilton explained. “You see when I am watching for kids cheating on their SATs, I don’t look for the guys who are looking around, trying to make themselves known, I look for the guys who play it cool.”

Later in the evening Grady captured Rutledge and Schoening ‘in the act’.

"Got you fuckers!"

Experts were still unconvinced of Rutledge’s sudden change of heart. Until his heart was broken when Schoening was discovered in bed with teen crush Nicholas Hinman.

"I was crushed," Rutledge informed the Associated Press while riding MUNI to Blackthorn in the inner sunset to watch the 49ers game Sunday afternoon. "By dinner we had kissed and made up, though."

Just moments after getting out of bed with Hinman, Schoening still had a seat at the table next to Rutledge.

Regardless of Rutledge's sexuality we are told the weekend was still a hit amongst attendees. Which is, apparently, all that matters.

Local Baseball Fan Confused About Score In Home Game

San Francisco, CA – Baseball enthusiast, and political scientist by night, Kyle Sirell was a little more than dumbfounded when he looked up to discover that the Rockies had tied the Giants in the top of the 5th inning Monday night.

"I asked this guy what the score was on my way back from the bathroom, and he said '1-0 Giants'," Sirell recapped for reporters via smart phone on his morning walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. "Then when I got back to the suite we were tied up. I was flabbergasted."

As Sirell attempts to catch up with the game, technology extraordinaire Matthew Martin steals a sip of Sirell's beer.

In an effort to clear things up, Dr. Brian Jacobson, Ph.D began to explain the intricacies of the portion of the 5th inning which Sirell had missed.

"I started by recapping the 3rd base runner's trip to home plate," Dr. Jacobson pontificated over tea in his back yard. "I wasn't getting through to him at first."

Dr. Jacobson trying, tirelessly, to mull over the details of the 5th inning with Sirell.

By the 9th inning Sirell had some idea of what was going on with the score, though by that time the Giants had scored 5 more runs and won the game.

Sirell in the bottom of the 9th, excited to have 'figured it all out', after an exhaustive elucidation.

Sirell, also a gypsy trader, was down on pier 27 Monday morning trying to sell some flowers he had picked from Ring Mountain.

"I had no idea that Kyle had a side business," Martin said. "I was really bummed when they told me."

Sirell has been on hiatus from working in the Costa Rican jungle for oil giant Chevron. He is said to be working three jobs to support his family.

Carter "Barry Bonds" Grady refused to comment on this story.

Local Tech Guru Opts Out of Social Networking for Sun Glasses

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A local tech prodigy has quit his job at a local tech giant to revolutionize the optical industry.

On Monday Matthew Martin announced his departure from a lucrative career in technology. The move was made in order to pursue his dreams of creating the start-up coolsunglasses.com.

Martin moments before he decided to leave his job.

"Matty had this technology that he'd been developing with the sun glasses," political scientist Kyle Sirell explained to the AP during a press conference late Monday night. "Essentially it would allow you to tell the difference between typical people and the extra terrestrials that are apparently posing as humans."

Martin turned down a salary of $457,000 a year with quarterly bonuses and stock options, as well as a seat next to Jack Nicholson at every single home Laker's game.

On Tuesday morning Martin incorporated coolsunglasses.com and raised $38 billion by 12:45pm. On Wednesday afternoon, after the company officially went public, its stock opened at $694.14 rallying past Apple Computer. By market close the stock had fallen to just under $1, apparently due to heavy shorting by rogue investor Nicholas Kawamoto.

"I just told everyone to buy, you know?" Kawamoto explained during a seizure he was having on the floor of the NYSE. "Who would have thought it was going to work!?!?!?!?!?!"

Kawamoto speculating on the stock market with a pair of shades from coolsunglasses.com.

Thursday night Martin was discovered at Delirium in San Francisco telling everyone in the bar that he was born in the U.S.A.

"The guy was screaming," former doctor and toy store employee Trevor Storey said. “Plus there were like no bitches there, and the ones who were there were not down to hook up, so I flipped off Monty and left.”

Martin was seen at many locations around the Bay Area, raising money and working with his colleagues on the details of his new eye wear solution.

Martin holding a meeting with his first two employees at the donut shop on Van Ness and Market late Saturday night.

Derrick Schoening (pictured above left) was previously a used car salesman, but when Martin rescued him from a suicide attempt, he began working on coolsunglasses.com. Carter “Barry Bonds” Grady (right) was a professional baseball player from 1986 to 2007. His career ended when he was caught stealing Sunkist and Skittles from the stadium vending machines. He is vice president of community out reach for coolsunglasses.com.

Martin refused comment on this story and is said to be at the beach working on his tan for the upcoming keynote.

Sir Matthew Rutledge of Balboa Takes Over 24 Hour Fitness

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a freak incident, involving English parliament, Sir Matthew Rutledge of Balboa has acquired control of American fitness chain 24 Hour Fitness®.

Rutledge was recently knighted for his victory in the annual San Francisco Decathlon, which was made on the heels of an extraordinary 36 hour bender in Las Vegas (see article).

Rutledge moments before a $4,000 loss at Caesar's Palace

"After I got back from the U.K. I was just in a state of euphoria," the self professed number one "Corky Romano" fan told the associated press last Tuesday. "So, I bought 24 Hour Fitness. I mean why the fuck not? I'm a knight now."

Rutledge's own fitness skills were put to the ultimate test earlier this month during freak incident where he almost drowned in a pond at Golden Gate Park.

"We were playing frisbee golf that day and I noticed that Matt had been missing for quite some time," local entrepreneur and certified optimist Rock and Roll Rowley said. "That's when I saw bubbles forming in a nearby pond."

Rock and Roll Rowley leaps towards the deadly pond where Rutledge almost lost his life

"Thank god Rock and Roll Rowley was there," family friend of the Rutledge's, and recent literary success, Campbell Belden said. "I thought Matt was a goner for sure."