Local Man Hits Big Payday By Threatening Locals

SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Local man Mitchell Duran has become a millionaire, almost overnight, through a complex scheme of threats and shocking proposals.

Duran was spotted by a correspondent for The Philistine on Market street this morning standing outside the car he uses to drive for Lyft (a ride sharing company that attracts people with no other options), threatening to show people his asshole if they did not pay him a fee that ranged between $4 and $100,000. Duran quickly amassed an unprecedented sum of money, according to local panhandlers and gypsies.

"I was just trying to catch the 38 when this deranged man started screaming at me as he unbuckled his pants," Robert Belmont, the alcoholic former President of the United States, said as he finished up a phone conversation with his drug dealer. "So I paid him what he asked because I'm in a rush and have to meet someone."

Duran has had a slew of different odd jobs, including one where he apparently excelled at placing 'over the phone food orders.' "Yeah I called Mitchell one night asking if he could get a pizza delivered to my aparment," The music mogul Chris Cohan told a reporter for The Philistine during the Olympics last year. "My pizza never arrived, but I still have faith in Mitchell as a man who is very comfortable in large groups. So I'm inviting him to a party in the spring."

As The Philistine went to press Duran was unavailable for comment. We are reviewing his resumé and will have a full report in next month's issue.

New Movie: "Anal in Oregon"

Local All-Around 'Good Guy' Inspires Eugenics Revival

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Trevor Storey, formerly Dr. Storey, the all-around "good guy" best known for a recent series of San Francisco based post cards that include some of his most penetrating musings on life, has been pegged as the sole inspiration for President Robert Belmont's latest initiative to revive the long out of style eugenics movement.

"As I was reading some of the post cards in the Philistine recently I realized that Trevor is an all-around 'good guy'," President Belmont said during a State of the Union address. "But that won't stop me from breeding humans to make sure this never happens again."

The crux of the issue according to Carter "Barry Bonds" Grady, famed sports legend and still unconvinced friend of the questionably homosexual Sir Matthew Rutledge, is a "Lack of intelligence."

"Listen, I asked Trevor a few basic questions," Grady said to a group of 41,000 before he threw the opening day pitch for the Giants 2014 season. "1. Can you effectively learn to avoid errors? 2. Is Matt actually gay or is it only my dick that he likes to suck? Trevor mumbled something but I couldn't make it out over all the Cheetos and fruit snacks he had in his mouth."

According to subsequent reports following this conversation between Grady and Storey, Storey promptly fell asleep and shit his pants. He was unavailable for comment.

Former Heterosexual Finally Convinces Friends That He Likes Men

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a bold move last Wednesday strong man Matt Rutledge started blowing friend, and sports legend, Carter "Barry Bonds" Grady in an effort to further establish his sexuality amongst his peers.

"I love the feeling of hard wood on my ass!" Rutledge explained to guests at the BBQ

The party, at which Rutledge made the epic display, was hosted by former used car salesmen Derrick Schoening. Schoening, now SVP of coolsunglasses.com, has been ignoring Rutledge's texts.

Sad, and alone, Rutledge finds himself in between a former lover and the new flame

Schoening is now in a committed relationship with a woman, but had been playing the field with the other team. Rutledge, ignorant of this, has been ceaselessly texting and calling Schoening to find out "what changed".

Rutledge basks in the afterglow of a "job well done"

"After I busted on Matt's face I was feeling pretty good," Grady said in an interview outside Panda Express on Tuesday afternoon. "But I'm still not convinced."

Update Monday April 22nd, 2013: Someone anonymously submitted an audio sex tape to The Philistine this afternoon of Rutledge attempting to have gay sex with an unidentified friend. See audio below.

Fitness Entrepreneur's Coming Out Party Met With Doubt

GUERNEVILLE, CA– Fitness franchise tycoon Matt Rutledge attempted to come out over a weekend at the Russian River with his inner circle, but was widely written off.

Rutledge wasted no breath trying to announce his new found sexuality. When he arrived at the weekend home of technology veteran Matty Martin his shirt read “I am gay now.”

“It was no surprise to me,” Carter “Barry Bonds” Grady told reporters outside Panda Express on 5th and Market in San Francisco. “Matt has always been hitting on me.”

During a walk to the beach Rutledge began to show visible affection for Derrick Schoening, a former used car salesman. Onlookers, though, were still unsure.

Rutledge, in a desperate first move to make his desires clear.

“I just didn’t buy it,” SAT proctor Patrick Hamilton explained. “You see when I am watching for kids cheating on their SATs, I don’t look for the guys who are looking around, trying to make themselves known, I look for the guys who play it cool.”

Later in the evening Grady captured Rutledge and Schoening ‘in the act’.

"Got you fuckers!"

Experts were still unconvinced of Rutledge’s sudden change of heart. Until his heart was broken when Schoening was discovered in bed with teen crush Nicholas Hinman.

"I was crushed," Rutledge informed the Associated Press while riding MUNI to Blackthorn in the inner sunset to watch the 49ers game Sunday afternoon. "By dinner we had kissed and made up, though."

Just moments after getting out of bed with Hinman, Schoening still had a seat at the table next to Rutledge.

Regardless of Rutledge's sexuality we are told the weekend was still a hit amongst attendees. Which is, apparently, all that matters.